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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about guests and DP's expectations of them?

76 replies

Crazydaisyishere · 27/12/2022 15:30

Ok, so my kids are 18 and 21. DP is not their dad but we have been together for 12 years lived together for 10. As my dc have got older and found their own ideas and voices, dp has become more and more picky about how they are with him.

The latest thing is how dc's friends, when they come over, don't even acknowledge him or say hello. The thing is he does nothing to make them welcome. He will walk into a room where they are, or sit there, and say nothing and then tell me how rude they are for not even saying hello.

The way I see it...these are young adults and the type of friends they have are all quite quiet, and him sitting there in angry silence waiting for them to speak to him first is actually quite intimidating. They wouldn't speak to me if I was the same!

I think that you should welcome guests into your home by greeting them first, saying "nice to meet you" or something. And then subsequent visits there will be a hello and some chat. He has created an atmosphere of unfriendliness, and they have responded to that by keeping quiet and out of his way.

But aibu in this? He started this by wanting them to come to him (the great I am waiting for everyone to run to him) and it is a stalemate that needs resolving before new year when both dc have a few friends staying over. I am planning on telling him he needs to be friendlier but an prepared to see the other side, if I am wrong in this.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 27/12/2022 15:31

He’s a cunt.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/12/2022 15:32

He sounds like a pain in the arse. I expect your kids and their friends feel intensely uncomfortable around him which is probably making them behave less naturally. They will know he's setting them weird tests that they can never pass.

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2022 15:33

His being all king of my castle the idiot. Lead by example, he needs to be welcoming to expect a friendly response.

Dacadactyl · 27/12/2022 15:33

He should say hello and make some effort to get to know them IMO.

After that if the friends ignore him, then they are rude, but I would say the onus is on Jim initially.

ElfHasBeenSilly · 27/12/2022 15:33

MiddleParking · 27/12/2022 15:31

He’s a cunt.

Yeah, that

KangarooKenny · 27/12/2022 15:34

Time to get rid of him and let your kids friends feel welcome.

Onnabugeisha · 27/12/2022 15:35

He’s got it backwards. It’s the host/hostess that is supposed to say hello first, not the guest(s). He’s the rude one by walking in and sitting there in silence.
Thats the etiquette for British culture anyway. I actually don’t know of any culture that doesn’t have similar etiquette? I know others may be more warm and others more reserved, but ime it’s the host/hostess that is supposed to do initial greeting.

Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2022 15:36

Tedious arsehole.
I go and say hello to my DCs friends, I don’t sit there like lord fucking muck waiting for them to pay homage

Sceptre86 · 27/12/2022 15:36

The onus is on him initially as they are house guests. However he should get a say in whether its OK for them to have people staying over and it seems as though he doesn't?

Lkydfju · 27/12/2022 15:37

Hes being quite unfair and as the older adult should be making the first move to welcome people into his home

Onnabugeisha · 27/12/2022 15:39

Thinking more, does he expect your DC to formally introduce him to the friends first? As in your DC says ‘Bob, this is my friend Glen’ and ‘Glen, this is my mums partner, Bob’.

That might be easier to implement than have an argument with your partner?

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 27/12/2022 15:42

YANBU. He's being a pain the arse. I'd have a problem with my adult children's guests if they were actively rude, or treated my house badly (made loads of noise late at night, helped themselves to the fillet steaks in the fridge or my best bottle of wine etc) not because they don't come play homage to me when they're there to see my child not me.

It sounds like he's on a power trip rather than genuinely concerned abou social etiquette.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 27/12/2022 15:43

You are being unreasonable to have stayed with this abusive wanker all this time.

DuplicateUserName · 27/12/2022 15:46

He should make some effort and so should they, even with just a nod of acknowledgement.

But this is pure exaggeration...

The way I see it...these are young adults and the type of friends they have are all quite quiet, and him sitting there in angry silence waiting for them to speak to him first is actually quite intimidating.

How do they know he's sitting in 'angry silence'?

lunar1 · 27/12/2022 15:54

I will never understand why people make their children grow up in homes with unrelated adults who barely tolerate them. I doubt they will be back much once they properly fly the best.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 27/12/2022 15:57

Jesus you lead by example!!

Get u and introduce yourself, shake hands and enquire after them ! Dear god he sounds like a teenager himself

Snoken · 27/12/2022 16:04

lunar1 · 27/12/2022 15:54

I will never understand why people make their children grow up in homes with unrelated adults who barely tolerate them. I doubt they will be back much once they properly fly the best.

I agree with this. He has no right making your kids life so tense and miserable. He’s a cunt on a weird power trip, the worse kind of cunt there is.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/12/2022 16:09

lunar1 · 27/12/2022 15:54

I will never understand why people make their children grow up in homes with unrelated adults who barely tolerate them. I doubt they will be back much once they properly fly the best.

Exactly this.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2022 16:12

Why are you with this tedious prick ?

Murdoch1949 · 27/12/2022 16:21

Your kids & their friends sound lovely, almost too good to be true, they should be cherished. You're lucky they come to your house, remain downstairs (!) some of the time, most teenagers friends go through front door, straight up the stairs to friend's bedroom. You are right, it is your responsibility to welcome them, offer refreshments, polite chit chat etc. That would give a message to both your children and them, showing them they're welcome, encouraging your children to use your home as ..... their home! You need to have words with your partner, explain your expectations of him when guests are there. If he doesn't like it feel free to dump him, he doesn't sound very nice and it could lead to your children feeling uncomfortable bringing friends round, which would be a loss.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2022 16:23

Your poor kids must be miserable there. How awful you've chosen this insufferable fuckwit over them.

Tiltedandwilted · 27/12/2022 16:29

I’d not expect your kids to be round much soon, let alone with friends if you let this happen in your own home.

Its weird when people expect to be greeted, especially when they’re hosting in the first place!

Tangelablue · 27/12/2022 16:34

How is he towards your guests op?

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2022 16:36

Sounds like he wants to be king of the castle and pandered to by any guests.

Crunchymum · 27/12/2022 16:37

First reply nailed it.