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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about guests and DP's expectations of them?

76 replies

Crazydaisyishere · 27/12/2022 15:30

Ok, so my kids are 18 and 21. DP is not their dad but we have been together for 12 years lived together for 10. As my dc have got older and found their own ideas and voices, dp has become more and more picky about how they are with him.

The latest thing is how dc's friends, when they come over, don't even acknowledge him or say hello. The thing is he does nothing to make them welcome. He will walk into a room where they are, or sit there, and say nothing and then tell me how rude they are for not even saying hello.

The way I see it...these are young adults and the type of friends they have are all quite quiet, and him sitting there in angry silence waiting for them to speak to him first is actually quite intimidating. They wouldn't speak to me if I was the same!

I think that you should welcome guests into your home by greeting them first, saying "nice to meet you" or something. And then subsequent visits there will be a hello and some chat. He has created an atmosphere of unfriendliness, and they have responded to that by keeping quiet and out of his way.

But aibu in this? He started this by wanting them to come to him (the great I am waiting for everyone to run to him) and it is a stalemate that needs resolving before new year when both dc have a few friends staying over. I am planning on telling him he needs to be friendlier but an prepared to see the other side, if I am wrong in this.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 27/12/2022 16:39

You sound almost scared of him, OP - certainly nervous.

That's not right in your own home.

How long has it been like this?

Lulu2171 · 27/12/2022 16:44

MiddleParking · 27/12/2022 15:31

He’s a cunt.

Yup

writingsonthewall · 27/12/2022 16:44

MiddleParking · 27/12/2022 15:31

He’s a cunt.

Said what everyone is thinking

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 27/12/2022 16:46

He sounds insufferable.

As a pp said, once your kids leave home, they will probably only visit when he's out. I know I certainly would if my mum's partner was a cunt.

HollyBerri · 27/12/2022 16:50

The onus is definitely on him to day Hello and make them feel welcome They probably feel a bit intimidated so no wonder they don’t speak to him.

Toomanysleepycats · 27/12/2022 16:52

I went to my DB and SILs for a BBQ with my Dd a few years ago. For various reasons my DD hadn’t seen my mother for a long time. I remember watching my Dd and her cousins meeting up again after such a long time and thinking how lovely it all was.

A few days later speaking to my mother she sniffily said that my DD hadn’t gone over to talk to her, so they hadn’t spoken at all.

FFS, my mum was 70 and my DD was 12! Some people expect to be treated as royalty no matter their age!

Its up to the ‘adults’ to show youngsters how to behave. My mother was always going on about how the younger generation (us) should respect her, but did nothing to make us want to respect her. If she couldn’t have respect, I think she would have settled for fear.

It seems like your Dh is going down this road too.

cigarettesNalcohol · 27/12/2022 16:54

Yanbu. He sounds unfriendly, cold and petty. No wonder they don't say hi, they don't feel welcome. He is older than them and should lead by example, treat others how he'd like to be treated. How immature...

catandcoffee · 27/12/2022 16:56

I wish there was a LIKE button on here.
He sounds a pompous prat.

Fairislefandango · 27/12/2022 16:59

He sounds like a passive-aggressuve arse tbh.

converseandjeans · 27/12/2022 17:00

I will never understand why people make their children grow up in homes with unrelated adults who barely tolerate them. I doubt they will be back much once they properly fly the best.

Agree with this. He obviously perceives it as his house & they need to tiptoe round him. Do they see their Dad? It doesn't sound like your current partner wants them around

EasterIsland · 27/12/2022 17:01

Your partner sounds horrible. If my parent’s partner treated me like that, I’d avoid visiting altogether.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/12/2022 17:01

lunar1 · 27/12/2022 15:54

I will never understand why people make their children grow up in homes with unrelated adults who barely tolerate them. I doubt they will be back much once they properly fly the best.

This is what I think

VioletLemon · 27/12/2022 17:05

Wow, what a rude wanker.
Tell him to piss off out kids space so they can continue to enjoy normal, well balanced relationships. He can't model this or support them so should bugger off or get on board. You know this already, OP so why allow him to bully your children. See it for what it is, you don't need to enable him, your DC are more important.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 17:07

So he doesn't need to greet them (visitors to his house), say hello or start a chat. But they are rude if they don't?

They are probably scared stiff of him. He needs to chill out a bit. Well, a lot.

Yep, agree with first reply.

VickerishAllsort · 27/12/2022 17:10

I disagree that he's a cunt. They are always warm and often welcoming.
He's a knob.

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 17:13

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2022 15:33

His being all king of my castle the idiot. Lead by example, he needs to be welcoming to expect a friendly response.

it does sounds territorial & alpha male....these lesser males have to suck up to him or he'll make them feel threatened & uncomfortable

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 17:15

converseandjeans · 27/12/2022 17:00

I will never understand why people make their children grow up in homes with unrelated adults who barely tolerate them. I doubt they will be back much once they properly fly the best.

Agree with this. He obviously perceives it as his house & they need to tiptoe round him. Do they see their Dad? It doesn't sound like your current partner wants them around

this, men are attracted to single mothers because the fact she has them makes her vulnerable & easy to manipulate....he doesnt actually WANT the inconvenience and annoyance of another mans offspring in his cave though

Bpdqueen · 27/12/2022 17:36

He sounds really creepy just hanging around no wonder they don't speak to him I would imagine they feel very uncomfortable

Tiltedandwilted · 27/12/2022 17:38

Bpdqueen · 27/12/2022 17:36

He sounds really creepy just hanging around no wonder they don't speak to him I would imagine they feel very uncomfortable

Creepy? For sitting in his own house?

Some of these replies are absolutely insane

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 27/12/2022 17:39

Would I be right in guessing your D.C. are boys? And your obnoxious DP is playing the role of stepfather who can’t stand growing make cubs in the house?

That’s why he has become more difficult as they have approached adulthood and he is territorial about having their friends in his kingdom.

Whatever their sex, do not allow your DP to drive your children from your home OP. It will affect your relationship for years to come, potential grandparent status, everything.

It’s a family home. They are family who still live in the home.

Get it sorted.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 27/12/2022 17:50

Another me thinking he’s a part but could your kids help break the ice by introducing them all to each other?

Purplechicken207 · 27/12/2022 17:57

I expect they won't come round much once they move out. Or at least not when he's home. What horrid atmosphere for teens

saraclara · 27/12/2022 17:59

The concept of hospitality seems to have eluded him. What an obnoxious man.

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 18:00

Purplechicken207 · 27/12/2022 17:57

I expect they won't come round much once they move out. Or at least not when he's home. What horrid atmosphere for teens

that's what the partner wants, that's why he's doing it, he doesn't want other men in his territory, enjoying his home comforts etc

Nixnjj1 · 27/12/2022 18:29

He's a dick. My lad is 18 and socialising in others home is always dependant on how the homeowner is towards them. One of his mates has a similar home set up and despite his being the biggest house with all singing tech set up and full fridge and a gym, no one ever wants to go there. I'm in a tiny 2up 2 down thats seen far better days and a fridge that is often empty and his mates will often pop in to check I'm ok and run errands for me or just chat about there problems. The lad from the posh house is busy trying to figure out how to afford to leave home, my lad is threatening to stay till he's 30.