AIBU about guests and DP's expectations of them?

[Crazydaisyishere]

Ok, so my kids are 18 and 21. DP is not their dad but we have been together for 12 years lived together for 10. As my dc have got older and found their own ideas and voices, dp has become more and more picky about how they are with him.

The latest thing is how dc's friends, when they come over, don't even acknowledge him or say hello. The thing is he does nothing to make them welcome. He will walk into a room where they are, or sit there, and say nothing and then tell me how rude they are for not even saying hello.

The way I see it...these are young adults and the type of friends they have are all quite quiet, and him sitting there in angry silence waiting for them to speak to him first is actually quite intimidating. They wouldn't speak to me if I was the same!

I think that you should welcome guests into your home by greeting them first, saying "nice to meet you" or something. And then subsequent visits there will be a hello and some chat. He has created an atmosphere of unfriendliness, and they have responded to that by keeping quiet and out of his way.

But aibu in this? He started this by wanting them to come to him (the great I am waiting for everyone to run to him) and it is a stalemate that needs resolving before new year when both dc have a few friends staying over. I am planning on telling him he needs to be friendlier but an prepared to see the other side, if I am wrong in this.

Despite the OP not mentioning at all you’ve decided both children are boys and all their friends are boys?

maybe you can look at why you’ve made such a leap

Ok if they are not boys his sitting in there just staring at and making uncomfortable young women. That’s worse tbh.

😂 Nice

I’ve always thought we should reclaim it as the worst possible swear. I like wank-badger instead. (Might be unfair to badgers.)

OP, it all sounds weird and you should definitely tell him to stop being such a wank-badger about it.

And OP needs to know that, to make a decision on future actions, up to and possibly including deciding between kids and partner

Who is staring at anyone?

Again, posters making weird leaps.

Sitting in silence angrily in a room you don’t need to be in because you’re not engaging with the group would normally involve looking at the people in there. Op doesn’t say his going in turning the tv on hiding his anger behind a newspaper. Op also says how he just sits in silence is quite intimidating. Someone behind a newspaper or watching tv tends to again not be intimidating.

Wow thank you all for your replies....I'm sorry I hadn't had a chance to get back here before now, and I didn't expect this many!

Ok just to clear up a couple of things...dc are ds and dd. This issue is only recent but is indicative of how things have changed since my dc got voices of their own.

My relationship with my dc is amazing. There are a lot of pp's who believe they will leave and not come back, but this won't be the case, as my relationship with dp has crumbled I have been open and honest with the dc.

However I do know that this may be the hill this relationship dies on....long story (though many pp's have hit the nail on the head in their replies) that isn't the issue here but before I start the conversation I just wanted to check that I wasn't wrong. I mean, I didn't think I was! In my mind it is the hosts who welcome people into their house.

He does have an alpha superiority attitude and this has got worse. I am not prepared to stay with him but this is my house and so not as easy as me just leaving, but yeah, he is a cunt/ knob/ wank badger.

I have been manipulated and made to feel that he "saved" me (as per pp) but I can see this now, and have been spending the last few months putting everything in place to make it quick and easy to tell dp to leave.

How on earth does he think he saved you if it's your house?

Do you own it? Is his name on the mortgage/deeds?

I can see this now, and have been spending the last few months putting everything in place to make it quick and easy to tell dp to leave.

Yayyyyy!!!! I love it when you actually get a response like this. Bloody well done for getting things in place. You've already done the hard work.

Can you have a couple of friends on standby for when you tell him to go?

Well done! The sooner the better I guess, it seems you’ve got everything sorted on your side with a house and supportive kids.

Good for you OP.

He's trying to drive a wedge, but you have his number.

To echo other posters, he's a cunt. God knows why you've put up with him.

God really? Is there a back story that makes sense of the fact he doesn’t understand social norms and behaves so appallingly:

I’m sorry op for me this would happen once and I’d read him the riot act. It certainly wouldn’t happen a second time.

wtf are you thinking having your kids having to deal with that?

I'm so pleased that you've sussed this situation, and the root cause of it OP. I also think that the sooner you tell him to go, and put yourself in a position where the kids friends feel welcome again, the better. As another poster said, I might be inclined to ask some male friends, or family members, (if you have them), to be on hand when you tell him it's time to go, in case he cuts up nasty. Depending on what the actual background is to this, if he's likely to kick off, I might arrange for the locks to be changed, and his stuff put on the doorstep while he's out, but obviously you haven't told us that much about him and how he might react.

What I can tell you though, is having always made my kids friends welcome as teenagers, when I saw them years later, in the shops or out and about, they would all stop for a chat, and remind me of the things we talked about when they were in their teens, which was lovely.

Good luck for the future OP, you'll be well rid of this one I think.

well done for being strategic OP, I hope it goes smoothly for all concerned🙏

wtf are you thinking having your kids having to deal with that?
I hear you but at the same time I feel it's a bit harsh, people who are toxic/controlling manipulative can be very effective at making you doubt yourself, it's all part of the MO....ime & imo

Creepy and weird behaviour from a fully grown man

Comments on mumsnet like this make me chuckle. A flaw in someone's character isn't a reason to leave a 10 year relationship.

I'm actually on Dp side on this. Maybe it's in my culture , but I've always been raised to ALWAYS greet the adults of the house first when I'm going to someone's house , and it's the person entering who greets first not the person already there.

Just reading Op second follow up post. If your partner is abusive and manipulative then you should leave if changes aren't made.
But in my opinion , I do think the friends should greet first. But, it is over the top that he is sitting around them in angry silence though. He should be the bigger person

Yes, I think that is just your culture. It’s customary that the person who lives in the house/the host greets the people visiting first in all of the different countries I have lived in.

Urgh this reminds me of my ex, when DD was a teenager.
He was absolutely foul and unwelcoming to her friends and had this "my house" type attitude.
(We rented the house jointly and he wasn't her dad.)

I should have left him then.

He sound awful but I’m wondering any kind of manners you’ve brought your children up with they can’t introduce their friends to their stepdad?

I never brought friends home without them saying hello to my parents or siblings, if they were in.

From your kids perspective - My mum has been with my stepdad since I was 10. In some ways he is a nice man but I disagree with the way he has treated my mum over the years and now often feel uncomfortable around him. Now in my 30s I am ever so close to my mum but I prefer to meet her without him now so rarely go back to her house when he is there. It does happen OP, best to get out now.

have been spending the last few months putting everything in place to make it quick and easy to tell dp to leave.

So happy to read this. Don’t feel you need to be kind to him or have the perfect set-up. Just get him to leave asap. The longer you leave it, the more chance that he will snap at you or the dc,

They’re young adults now so he probably wants to force them out of the house. Glad to see that you have a way out.