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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed in partner - deal breaker

61 replies

Winemygoodenemy · 26/12/2022 19:52

My partner and I were supposed to spend Christmas together at my parents. My mum died a week ago suddenly and my partner decided not to come for Christmas. He did drive me hours to get to my family and stayed with me and drove me back when my mum died as I was in total shock when it happened. No questions and stayed up with me when I couldn’t sleep. He was amazing and supportive. Helped my dad too

his reason for not coming was I needed to be with my dad and help sort things out. He couldn’t do this as only met my parents twice. My dad couldn’t also grieve in front of him - pretending to be strong. Partner only heard my dad cry when he was out the room.

Partner went abroad to his brother for a few days, I went to my dads. I was disappointed but understood. However my partner had been very silent and I think in a huff. He sent quite a few messages drunk over the days asking for flirty pictures. I am not happy to send them and told him. He knows I don’t think this. Partner telling me I would rather him look at naked internet pictures than him look at me. had a few sober phone calls too.

yesterday he suggested we go away over new year for a few days. I said to him it was a lovely thought, but I have hardly slept or been in my own house over last 2 weeks. I just want to chill and can’t really get a pet sitter that short notice. Happy to do an overnight, but not a few days. I haven’t really slept since my mum died and want my own bed. I did suggest a mini break in a luxury hotel I got given a gift for in January- no reply.

since I said no to a few days away, he hadn’t texted me. I have sent him a text, but no reply. He is active of Facebook. This is unusual as he is normally good at keeping in touch. He knows I wasn’t too chuffed about him not coming, but I understood. We had separate plans at new year and he had offered to cancel. I have said to him to go as I am not too sure if I want to celebrate.

now I fully appreciate I am sleep deprived, bored, unable to grieve as staying strong for my dad and not having the Christmas planned. But the not sending naughty pictures and saying I don’t want to go away for a few days, I feel he has gone silent and feels rejected. I do know he is with family and friends, so will be busy as he says it’s a party each night.

am I right to be annoyed? Feel I am getting punished for not sending naughty pictures or agreeing to his plan to go away. I really feel like ending it.

OP posts:
YoSofi · 26/12/2022 19:53

YANBU.

I’m very sorry for your loss x

AFineBalance · 26/12/2022 19:58

Sorry for your loss

he sounds very insensitive.

Mehmeh22 · 26/12/2022 19:58

The last fucking thing I'd want to do is send naughty pictures after my mum died. What planet is he on????

Do NOT feel guilty for feeling sad about your mum right now! She's just died!

Wowzers

JennyForeigner · 26/12/2022 19:58

YANBU, this is not nice behaviour. Putting pressure on you for pictures would be unacceptable at any time; in the context of your mum's loss, it's really distasteful. No matter how helpful he was in a crisis, can he not give you a bit of time just to grieve?

I'm sorry for your loss too, but honour your feelings and give yourself whatever time and space you need.

LikeTearsInRain · 26/12/2022 20:02

This was quite a read.

At the start I thought your complaint would be about him not staying for Christmas given the circumstances and the reasons you listed made sense so I thought YABU.

But then got to the demands for sexy photos and it is clear YANBU. He has been in a huff and demanding of you knowing you have lost your mother. And now he’s ignoring you.

You deserve better. Must be a trying time, seek support elsewhere for now. This is rightly a dealbreaker, if he reaches out again either ghost or tell him it’s done.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 26/12/2022 20:03

What a disgusting thing to ask you for when you've just lost your mum, as if you're going to be in any kind of mood to strip and pose "sexy" to take pics for him! Shock

I am so sorry, i was in an abusive relationship when i lost my mum and my abuser was emotionally and verbally sexually harassing me the day she died, wanting me to dirty talk with him (as i was forced to every day, and it was all one sided for his pleasure only), then sulking and refusing to talk to me when i was in no state to.

I wish i had left then. My sympathies on the loss of your mum Flowers

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/12/2022 20:03

Sorry about your mum.

Putting that aside though, asking for pictures and then saying 'would you rather I look at pictures of some internet random then' is horrible and manipulative and akin to 'men need sex so they don't rape' mentality, and ignores the fact he has a third option of not looking at anything and a forth option of looking at internet pictures and not saying anything.

He sounds like he is of the 'its been a week, why aren't you over it already' mentality

KangarooKenny · 26/12/2022 20:04

He’s not a keeper, Chuck him back.
Sorry for your loss 💐

userxx · 26/12/2022 20:05

Mehmeh22 · 26/12/2022 19:58

The last fucking thing I'd want to do is send naughty pictures after my mum died. What planet is he on????

Do NOT feel guilty for feeling sad about your mum right now! She's just died!

Wowzers

Absolutely this..... what kind of fucking idiot would even ask. Delete his number, you've much more important stuff going on in your life. Sorry for the loss of your mum.

RealBecca · 26/12/2022 20:07

"But the not sending naughty pictures and saying I don’t want to go away for a few days, I feel he has gone silent and feels rejected. In an effort to punish me so i do what he wants next time because I'm scared he will go quiet and look at other women "

Fixed it for you. ^^

Sorry for your loss. He is being a dickhead. 0/10 marriage material. Move on from him x

Madeyoulook · 26/12/2022 20:08

Definitely dump him for that. He is just thinking of himself. Horrible man.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 26/12/2022 20:09

That would be a deal breaker for me. Grief is hard and complicated and long and his behaviour is disgusting, it is not what you need right now (or ever, let’s be real). I actually think the Christmas thing is a bit shit too, I’d have been gutted if my DH did that. Sex will most likely be the furthest thing from your mind. Concentrate on your family and yourself, surround yourself with people who love you.

Pineappleskies · 26/12/2022 20:13

He doesn't sound a very evolved human being.

Rather than end it now, because you have so much going on, you might just take a step back and see how you feel in a week or so. I'm not saying that in this time his actions will seem less selfish and demanding and manipulative, but that you might be stronger in handling any anger, outbursts or nastiness from him.when he hears of your decision.

ImpartialMongoose · 26/12/2022 20:13

Without a single doubt a deal breaker. Bribing you to send sexy photos otherwise he'll go online and look at naked women and your mum died a week ago? That is utterly repulsive and he is an out and out c*nt.

FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2022 20:14

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Get rid of this horrible man. Asking you for nudes and sulking one week after your mother died is insensitive beyond belief.

BatshitBanshee · 26/12/2022 20:15

Good god almighty put him back where you found him. This is a horrendous, stressful, heartbreaking time for you and this is where he places himself?? Jetting off for a jolly and then hassling for intimate pics. Even if he didn't want to intrude on your dad, he could have absolutely stayed in the relative vicinity or even country to be supportive at a distance but to be that selfish and then on top of that to be a creep is just so beyond a deal-breaker. Dump him keep your hotel break for yourself and put you first. I'm so sorry OP. this is one of the most awful things a person can go through - and he's showed you who he is. Believe him.

Always4Brenner · 26/12/2022 20:17

Words fail me your mum has died and he wants this🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮Get rid and quick. Hugs handhold.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/12/2022 20:19

Am so sorry about your mum - how utterly shocking for you and your family.

This sounds like your boyfriend is doing the performative empathy... Look at me... I've been supportive for x days.... Right... You should be sorted now... Back to normal...

Vile behaviour.

I'd give yourself as much time as you need.... it will likely be months til you feel anywhere like normal..

Then find a decent bloke.

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/12/2022 20:33

I am sorry for your loss 💐

So you lose your mum, then refuse sexy pics to be hit with manipulaton. Now he is ghosting you...

You know what you have to do 💐. You'd be well rid of this insensitive a*hole.

FabFitFifties · 26/12/2022 20:40

YANBU - go no further with this one, he won't get better. He might for a while, then he'll revert to true colours, at another time when it really matters.

JeanMarie · 26/12/2022 20:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐
I remember how I felt when my mum died. If my then partner had behaved as yours has I wouldn't simply be annoyed. I'd be apoplectic with rage and he'd have been kicked so hard into touch he'd be on another planet! I'm at a loss to understand how anyone could be so insensitive. I feel so sorry that you have this absolute boor of a man treating you like this at such a heartbreaking time. Please, please look after yourself (and your dad).

UnpackThisMess · 26/12/2022 21:03

He is not your partner! Casual boyfriend at best. Dump him.

SoWhat21 · 26/12/2022 21:05

I’m sorry for your loss OP. My Dad died very suddenly shortly before Christmas. I remember well what a horrific time it was. I found it took me about 6 months to get over the shock of it before I could even begin processing the grief. I was not in the head space for sex for months and would have had exactly zero tolerance for the type of head fuckery you are describing from your partner. He is completely in the wrong. Being supportive for the initial days is the easy part. It’s the weeks, months and years after while getting through the mess of grief where support is most important. He’s not there for you in this now and he won’t be in the future. You deserve better. I’m sorry

SpentDandelion · 26/12/2022 21:05

I am very sorry for your loss.
I cannot believe what I'm reading.
Is he for real?
So much for empathy and compassion which is what your needing right now.
Get rid of this degrading lowlife, you deserve so much better.

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 21:06

Winemygoodenemy · 26/12/2022 19:52

My partner and I were supposed to spend Christmas together at my parents. My mum died a week ago suddenly and my partner decided not to come for Christmas. He did drive me hours to get to my family and stayed with me and drove me back when my mum died as I was in total shock when it happened. No questions and stayed up with me when I couldn’t sleep. He was amazing and supportive. Helped my dad too

his reason for not coming was I needed to be with my dad and help sort things out. He couldn’t do this as only met my parents twice. My dad couldn’t also grieve in front of him - pretending to be strong. Partner only heard my dad cry when he was out the room.

Partner went abroad to his brother for a few days, I went to my dads. I was disappointed but understood. However my partner had been very silent and I think in a huff. He sent quite a few messages drunk over the days asking for flirty pictures. I am not happy to send them and told him. He knows I don’t think this. Partner telling me I would rather him look at naked internet pictures than him look at me. had a few sober phone calls too.

yesterday he suggested we go away over new year for a few days. I said to him it was a lovely thought, but I have hardly slept or been in my own house over last 2 weeks. I just want to chill and can’t really get a pet sitter that short notice. Happy to do an overnight, but not a few days. I haven’t really slept since my mum died and want my own bed. I did suggest a mini break in a luxury hotel I got given a gift for in January- no reply.

since I said no to a few days away, he hadn’t texted me. I have sent him a text, but no reply. He is active of Facebook. This is unusual as he is normally good at keeping in touch. He knows I wasn’t too chuffed about him not coming, but I understood. We had separate plans at new year and he had offered to cancel. I have said to him to go as I am not too sure if I want to celebrate.

now I fully appreciate I am sleep deprived, bored, unable to grieve as staying strong for my dad and not having the Christmas planned. But the not sending naughty pictures and saying I don’t want to go away for a few days, I feel he has gone silent and feels rejected. I do know he is with family and friends, so will be busy as he says it’s a party each night.

am I right to be annoyed? Feel I am getting punished for not sending naughty pictures or agreeing to his plan to go away. I really feel like ending it.

Sounds like he's being an absolute child.

So sorry for your loss...