Disappointed in partner - deal breaker

[Winemygoodenemy]

My partner and I were supposed to spend Christmas together at my parents. My mum died a week ago suddenly and my partner decided not to come for Christmas. He did drive me hours to get to my family and stayed with me and drove me back when my mum died as I was in total shock when it happened. No questions and stayed up with me when I couldn’t sleep. He was amazing and supportive. Helped my dad too

his reason for not coming was I needed to be with my dad and help sort things out. He couldn’t do this as only met my parents twice. My dad couldn’t also grieve in front of him - pretending to be strong. Partner only heard my dad cry when he was out the room.

Partner went abroad to his brother for a few days, I went to my dads. I was disappointed but understood. However my partner had been very silent and I think in a huff. He sent quite a few messages drunk over the days asking for flirty pictures. I am not happy to send them and told him. He knows I don’t think this. Partner telling me I would rather him look at naked internet pictures than him look at me. had a few sober phone calls too.

yesterday he suggested we go away over new year for a few days. I said to him it was a lovely thought, but I have hardly slept or been in my own house over last 2 weeks. I just want to chill and can’t really get a pet sitter that short notice. Happy to do an overnight, but not a few days. I haven’t really slept since my mum died and want my own bed. I did suggest a mini break in a luxury hotel I got given a gift for in January- no reply.

since I said no to a few days away, he hadn’t texted me. I have sent him a text, but no reply. He is active of Facebook. This is unusual as he is normally good at keeping in touch. He knows I wasn’t too chuffed about him not coming, but I understood. We had separate plans at new year and he had offered to cancel. I have said to him to go as I am not too sure if I want to celebrate.

now I fully appreciate I am sleep deprived, bored, unable to grieve as staying strong for my dad and not having the Christmas planned. But the not sending naughty pictures and saying I don’t want to go away for a few days, I feel he has gone silent and feels rejected. I do know he is with family and friends, so will be busy as he says it’s a party each night.

am I right to be annoyed? Feel I am getting punished for not sending naughty pictures or agreeing to his plan to go away. I really feel like ending it.

I hear what people are saying. It’s just so disappointing as he was so good when she died. He dropped everything and made sure I got to my family safely and stayed with me. When he left me phoned me everyday, made sure I ate (we live a bit away from each other).

just disappointed he got drunk and started asking for nudes when he knows I won’t do that

yes but when he chose to sulk and pretend he was ‘too busy’ to respond in the days after he wasn’t drunk the entire time. That wasn’t just a drunken case of bad judgement.

He may have been supportive for a hot second but grief takes a long time to process! You're in it for the long haul. Take care OP. You deserve better

First of all so sorry for the loss of your mum, is such a horrible thing to go through and you are probably just going through the motions and it has not hit you yet. He is so insensitive asking you for photos and just being selfish and awful. Also asking you to go away so soon is just him thinking of himself and his needs. Please yourself and take time for yourself and have time to think is this what you really want in a life partner. I would have told him to feck right off when he asked for photos. Does he always try to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Look after yourself first and foremost and only do what you want to do but please revaluate this relationship as he is sulking yes and because he did not get his own way is now giving you the silent treatment which is not the way a grown man should behave especially during your difficult time.

He went from supportive to arsehole. I'd leave him and still be thankful for the support.

You've seen the real him now. Follow the advice from @Aquamarine1029 as that's exactly all he deserves.
So sorry for the loss of your Mum, she would definitely want better for you OP.

How long have you been together? I’d find this hard to get past to be honest, especially in a newer relationship.

We have been together for 1 year. He is normally caring and compassionate, never really does this. A few days boozing with family and he is constantly telling me he is horny or gone in a huff.

Granted I am sleep deprived and upset - probably not thinking straight. But this is the person I thought I loved and who loved me. Totally out of character.

I did say on one call to stop asking for pictures I was not impressed. He did say sorry quietly and made a joke to deflect.

He's disgusting for asking you for those photos.

I'm not sure that what I'm about to say sounds appropriate, but I mean well.

Dump him NOW. You are at your lowest and probably can't feel any worse after the death of your mother, so it won't add too much to the pain you're currently going through.

If you leave it any length of time, you may not be feeling quite so raw (but obviously will still be devastated) over the death of your mother and then your going to have to deal with the upset of a break up too!

Ugh what an absolute cunt he is OP.

He is not your partner. A true partner (or anyone decent and loving) wouldn’t have behaved like this after two weeks of casual dating let alone a year of being in a relationship.

It’s when things are at their worst that people show you who they really are. I wonder if you and he haven’t had to tackle painful challenging stuff before as a couple? He has shown himself
to be unreliable, inconsistent, deeply offensive (asking for nudes when you’ve just lost your mum?! That is beyond shocking), childish (sulking, drinking). Just horrible. Selfish.

So sorry for your loss OP. This man is not your life partner.

Oh love, he's showing you his true colours. It's very easy to be the initial super hero, but shit is real and you're going through an awful milestone in life. He's let you down by not respecting you and your choices. Blaming you for his use of porn, going silent on you, not checking in and providing real love and support, all whilst your grieving your Mum?

You deserve better. Do you believe you deserve better?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.