Do all mums feel like this at Christmas?

[bigbells]

After weeks/months of planning (present shopping, food shopping, wrapping, planning) I feel like I've hit a bit of an emotional brick wall today.

It's Boxing Day and older dc are at their dads so we've just got the baby at home. Had hoped dh might arrange a takeaway, maybe some drinks or something but no. I've spent all day with the baby while he had a 2 hour nap because he was so exhausted from Christmas Day. He cooked lunch to be fair to him and accepted all the rapturous praise from my family but other than that he hasn't shopped, wrapped or planned anything. Older dc seemed disappointed with their gifts even though I spent a fortune. I'm running round like a headless chicken looking after the baby and doing all the behind the scenes stuff and just feel totally unappreciated.

I'm bitterly disappointed tonight which is probably magnified by my tiredness and overall feeling of being done with Christmas. I've told dh it might have been nice for him to arrange one meal for tonight since I've planned all the others. His childish reply 'oh well I'm just useless as always aren't I?'

I don't want to row I just feel like I'm the one who does everything for everyone everyday and very rarely get any recognition or thought. I really would have liked to have gone somewhere today, a nice drive out for a walk or something but as nobody could be bothered I just took the baby round the block while dh slept.

I know these are first world problems I guess I just feel sad. And like I might as well not bother stressing myself out next year because nobody gives a shit anyway.

If I were you I'd order my own takeaway as a pat on the back and a job well done if nothing else.

After years of feeling how you’ve described I now only do what I want to do, I don’t make myself miserable for anyone. I think me being relaxed is the best thing I can give my family, I’m a nightmare when I’m stressed. My mum and grandma both did Christmas martyrdom though so I do have to fight against it!

I know at times I've been really snappy because I've been so stressed. Older dc have picked up on it and that made me feel shit too. I really do think that next year I just need to chill and not expect much from everyone else either.

Why don't you just order the takeaway? Why aren't you discussing your feelings with your husband? The only way things will change is if you change.

It does sound a bit shit but why didn't you say something? Along the lines of 'it'd be nice to go out for a meal on boxing day, will you arrange it please?'

I know it's not great to always have to ask for what you want but it's way better than never getting what you want.

Also worth having a chat after it's all over, ensuring DH understands how much you've done and discussing wanting to split it more equally in future.

Why don’t you plan with your DH what jobs you would like him to take care of?

Have you had the conversation?

Instead of expecting him to know your inner thoughts why not just tell him?

I’m a mum and don’t feel like that. For one, I wouldn’t spend weeks or months “planning”. DH does all the shopping and cooking for Christmas. Just dial it right back. You don’t have to do all this “stuff”. Our Christmas is very low key.

If you want a takeaway, order a take away. If you want some drinks, go and get yourself some drinks. Surely getting stressed about the fact DH isnt doing it, and "doesn't give a shit" is more stressful.

Nowt wrong with him having a nap, its boxing day. A post christmas day nap is a given (I just woke up from mine 😊)

I did discuss it. And his petty reply was 'oh well I'm just useless as usual.' What can I do with that?

I have also spoken to him about my general stress and disillusionment with everyday life too as this feeling of doing everything and being totally overwhelmed isn't just a Christmas thing. He doesn't get it. He thinks because he cooks and works hard in a full time job he is doing his bit. I guess he is. But it doesn't take away the stress and pressure that I feel. And I just wish he could have thought of something nice to do today/tonight after all I've done.

What’s the behind the scenes stuff that you are doing? Is it necessary?

You didn't discuss it though. You passive aggressively told him that it would have been nice if he'd arranged something.

I get that you feel unappreciated and it sucks. Has DH always been like this? Hopefully not otherwise you wouldn't have married him. Hopefully you'll find a way to get this across to DH and he will change.

'oh well I'm just useless as always aren't I?'

Manipulation at it's finest

After years of feeling how you’ve described I now only do what I want to do, I don’t make myself miserable for anyone

^

This. I'm the same. If it doesn't make me happy, I don't do it. DH is never happy with anything so I'm past doing stuff to try and please him.

I’m a mum and don’t feel like that. For one, I wouldn’t spend weeks or months “planning”. DH does all the shopping and cooking for Christmas. Just dial it right back. You don’t have to do all this “stuff”. Our Christmas is very low key.

Same here. Stop running around doing things you don't want to do then getting resentful. If you want a takeaway, order one. If you want a nap, have one. You can't get your OH to change, you can only change your own actions - and whether you put up with him or not.

Most of the pressure is what we put on ourselves. I realised far too late that as a family we didn’t need a perfect Christmas, just a Christmas that worked for us.

You didn't discuss it, you made a dig at him about how you organised everything and he's just cooked one meal so sarcastically said it would have been nice for him to make a meal.

That's not discussing it like grown ups.

I think you're doing too much "behind the scenes" stuff, why? It really doesnt need that much doing, it's a roast dinner and some gifts but if you want him to chip in as well ask him! If you're both off working full time and both pressed for time it should be a given that he helps anyway.

Honestly I don’t get how getting a takeaway is ‘arranging a meal’, and martyrdom is one of the most unattractive traits.

if he cooks just say to him - since you do the cooking, you can start doing the food shopping (or whatever if that’s a fair division of labour), but don’t do it and then feel put upon. Nobody will thank you for that.

This.

I'm sorry OP, he's being childish and thoughtless. Just do what makes you happy next year, or refuse to do anything at all unless he pulls his weight.

Why didn't you tell him what you wanted to happen? He's not psychic.
DH I'm burnt out after all the Christmas prep, can we get some drinks in and order a takeaway tonight?

I had a strop years ago at DH after being super stressed doing everything at Christmas: told him that because I have a vagina doesn’t mean I want to do all the planning of Christmas. Since then it’s been a lot better.

Hand him the baby and say "I'm off for a nap now. Can you do xxx?"

Then go to your room and chill out, with music so you tune out of any noises from downstairs.

Next time, ask him to sort dinner. Yes, it'd be lovely if he thought of it, but it's almost as lovely if he sorts dinner when you ask him!

Christmas is as much or little bother as you choose. I think better to be direct about what you want to happen, instead of hoping he will read your mind

Have you actually voiced any of these suggestions to your husband ?

its all very well expecting him to take the initiative to arrange a walk and dinner. Why not discuss your thoughts, alog of people like to just chill out on boxing day especially if he spent a chunk of yesterday cooking for many people.

Why are you kids unhappy with their gifts? You did your level best. Just take control as order a take away.

First off, don't host next year. No planning needed before the stuff arrives in shop mid-December. Ask for wish lists during Black Friday.

Re: Boxing Day I think I'd have felt petty and waited for him to ask what we were doing for dinner and then shrug. But that's not advisable...