Do all mums feel like this at Christmas?

[bigbells]

After weeks/months of planning (present shopping, food shopping, wrapping, planning) I feel like I've hit a bit of an emotional brick wall today.

It's Boxing Day and older dc are at their dads so we've just got the baby at home. Had hoped dh might arrange a takeaway, maybe some drinks or something but no. I've spent all day with the baby while he had a 2 hour nap because he was so exhausted from Christmas Day. He cooked lunch to be fair to him and accepted all the rapturous praise from my family but other than that he hasn't shopped, wrapped or planned anything. Older dc seemed disappointed with their gifts even though I spent a fortune. I'm running round like a headless chicken looking after the baby and doing all the behind the scenes stuff and just feel totally unappreciated.

I'm bitterly disappointed tonight which is probably magnified by my tiredness and overall feeling of being done with Christmas. I've told dh it might have been nice for him to arrange one meal for tonight since I've planned all the others. His childish reply 'oh well I'm just useless as always aren't I?'

I don't want to row I just feel like I'm the one who does everything for everyone everyday and very rarely get any recognition or thought. I really would have liked to have gone somewhere today, a nice drive out for a walk or something but as nobody could be bothered I just took the baby round the block while dh slept.

I know these are first world problems I guess I just feel sad. And like I might as well not bother stressing myself out next year because nobody gives a shit anyway.

@bigbells

"It's Boxing Day and older dc are at their dads so we've just got the baby at home. Had hoped dh might arrange a takeaway, maybe some drinks or something but no. I've spent all day with the baby while he had a 2 hour nap because he was so exhausted from Christmas Day. He cooked lunch to be fair to him and accepted all the rapturous praise from my family but other than that he hasn't shopped, wrapped or planned anything. Older dc seemed disappointed with their gifts even though I spent a fortune. I'm running round like a headless chicken looking after the baby and doing all the behind the scenes stuff and just feel totally unappreciated.
I'm bitterly disappointed tonight which is probably magnified by my tiredness and overall feeling of being done with Christmas. I've told dh it might have been nice for him to arrange one meal for tonight since I've planned all the others. His childish reply 'oh well I'm just useless as always aren't I?'
I don't want to row I just feel like I'm the one who does everything for everyone everyday and very rarely get any recognition or thought. I really would have liked to have gone somewhere today, a nice drive out for a walk or something but as nobody could be bothered I just took the baby round the block while dh slept.
I know these are first world problems I guess I just feel sad. And like I might as well not bother stressing myself out next year because nobody gives a shit anyway."

"It doesn't take away from the stress and pressure I feel"

A few points from me...

• Have you asked people to do anything? Directly? Not hinting, assuming they will do stuff etc.
• Did your children say "I am disappointed with X, Y or Z"? If not that is just an assumption. What did they actually DO?
• If you feel underappreciated have you expressed this clearly? Or are you wanting him/them to just notice?
• Why would you continue to "do" this stuff if you don't feel appreciated? It is giving them the message that you will do stuff regardless.
• "I'm just useless as always aren't I?" has a function. Does he often feel like you belittle him or tell him he isn't any good? The term "childish" indicates that you judge him, he will hear that in everything you say. Someone doesn't say that phrase unless there is at least some truth in it.
• It sounds like - and I want to say this in the nicest way possible - that you are a martyr and I wonder if deep down there is some joy in being the put-upon partner?
• Why couldn't you just do something nice? Relying on other people to want to do something won't get what you want.
• It is really on you to manage that stress OR find a way to communicate it better with him.

At the same time, yes it can be infuriating when people don't appreciate us. That said, unless you figure out a way to show that you aren't happy, they will just take it as you moaning. Maybe try the following technique:

Describe the problem - be very specific. NO blaming or judging words - it will always end in the other person feeling criticised and the defences will raise immediately. What exactly have you noticed (seeing and hearing, no assumptions)

Express how you feel - no "you make me feel unappreciated" because again that is putting it on him. Say something like "I am sure you don't mean to but when you do X I tend to feel Y"

Assert what you want! - again be specific, don't assume people know - most people are thoughtless and don't see things as needed. "I would like you to do X, Y and Z in the future"

Reinforce the reason for wanting him to do things - not for YOU but for HIM. What does HE get from doing it? Because you feel underappreciated isn't good enough, we need it to land emotionally for him. "If you could do X it would really improve our relationship because I would feel more connected with you. Also if we can do it together we may feel more like a team, at the moment it feels lonely doing things separately and I want to feel closer to you...blah blah blah".

If he diverts the conversation DON'T back down and don't get into the fight. If he says "well I am useless aren't I?" you can say "I hear you feel attacked or being told you aren't helpful and we can certainly talk about that. And at the same time..." and then reiterate the first 4 points. The goal of "childish" comments is to get you flustered so you stop getting on his case about things - it is human nature to do this. Pin him down, be gentle and compassionate and bring the topic back.

I hope this makes sense and helps. I can hear how frustrating this all is and of course it is painful. Though you still need to do something different or you will resent him in the long-term. PS. Order that takeaway and share in it with him, make it a treat. Something for BOTH of you. Put aside that "he is shit" judgement and just be. Life is WAY too short.

This is a recurring complaint on mumsnet:

'I've done X, why didn't he do Y?'

1, you haven't told him you want Y, so how would he know?

2, the X's are usually self inflicted stresses, who plans christmas for months?

3, maybe he doesn't appreciate X and your martyrdom, and is sick of the 'i'm so stressed, let me take it out of others' attitude.

If you're unhappy, stop making others unhappy. If you want a takeaway, order one!

There's some really good advice here thank you all so much. I know I'm the creator of my own stress and misery sometimes. I feel better for venting here rather than at dh. Having a glass of wine and considering ordering a curry now!

I don't think anyone needs to order a takeaway on Boxing Day when there are so many left overs Next year don't let it be stressful just do what makes you happy if they don't appreciate it then stop. Christmas is supposed to be enjoyable after all !

In November I pass a list to DP of whose gifts I expect him to buy - nephew, his brothers, and their partners, and his parents. I make it clear I won't be doing it. Or wrapping their gifts. I delegate other jobs to him too.

I totally get the feeling but order your own takeaway.

It's ridiculous you need to write it down but actually a genius idea as it makes it crystal clear

I scaled back Christmas a few years ago as it was too hard. The meal is low key and I don't get myself het up for weeks.
Good job, as I've been laid up ill for a week and missed it, but DH just did a small meal for three, picked up on Xmas Eve.
Lower your expectations.

Me too. I did it for years, now I mostly please myself. The irony is that everyone’s happier.

It helps that I left DH 😄

Oh - and I don’t start even thinking about it until the beginning of December. It really doesn’t take a month to plan for one day!

OP I totally empathise although I don't have too much of an issue with DH, it's family members. The last few months have been hugely stressful at work then buying presents and usual DC admin on top, then DH was made redundant on the 22nd (after a very stressful few months trying to avoid it). We have his elderly dad staying who is a nightmare. Books his flights without speaking to us, staying for a week sitting on his arse (he is very immobile) then yesterday all my family were late, one brother didn't bother turning up. Today 2 brothers didn't bother (I have 3) - we have 2 sets of divorced parents and it's hard work managing those logistics at Xmas. I'm bloody exhausted and just want to curl up and sleep.

Nope, never felt like that. I don’t spend months planning, I do an online shop, and my husband pulls his weight. I would not have married him and had children with him if he didn’t.

I don’t feel like this either.

I can’t understand anyone who takes months to prepare Christmas, unless you’re running the ritz or feeding 500!

and what’s the behind the scenes work?

we had a great Christmas. The only mild stress was we realised when we went to serve it that when we were tipsy on the 23rd we ate more of the special Christmas ice cream than we realised.

How old are your kids OP? I kind of know what you mean about Christmas, mine are 1 and 4 and it’s such hard work. I’m not a fan of Christmas Day, actually started a thread of how Boxing Day is better! I do the following to help - get DH to cook and do all food prep and shopping for food, it’s tempting to butt in if not everything is to my liking but I let him get on with it (sad as it sounds as a child I was very used to all the women in the kitchen and there is something in the back of my mind saying a ‘should’ be in the kitchen but i ignore it!) I don’t travel anywhere or host people I don’t want to - it also took a lot of self control not to offer, I spent years pre kids bending to others and breaking my back buying pressies for all DH family etc. I kind of wanted to be like my MIL who loves hosting and breaks her back cooking everything and putting on a big spread - I’ve now realised she completely martyrs herself and doesn’t particularly enjoy it, and stresses me out with her stress on the day of that makes sense. don’t put too much expectation on Christmas Day itself. It’s one day and actually I don’t like being out of routine and accept that. I concentrate on the important things - making sure my DC feel loved and have a great time, and capturing little magical moments(I know that sounds cheesy!) like singing carols in church. This year I’m shattered even without doing any cooking, as I’ve been ill. Just order yourself a takeaway and a bottle of wine and relax…

There's always one

OP I've hit a wall today physically as much as emotionally, I feel drained after a busy few weeks shopping, wrapping, planning and kids festive event stuff (school based but still carrying that mental load) get a good nights sleep tonight, tomorrows another day

OP - I'm sorry you are getting such an unsupportive time on here. The cognitive burden/wife work responsibility is real but on mumsnet this is your fault for not clearly stating your needs to your new man partner. I'm guessing you posted because you wanted to feel seen, rather than be told what you were doing wrong. It sounds like your DH doesn't see you and doesn't understand the burden you are shouldering. Whether this burden is your own construction or the result of millennia of structural sexism probably doesn't matter that much to you at this moment. In answer to your question, no, not all mums feel like this but I bet there are loads that do.

Forget perfection and just try and simplify everything. I don't have any guests, l give my sons 17, and 21 money, a few treats etc, l do a nice roast dinner and that's me done because l am also entitled to a break at xmas.

I also make time to get out in fresh air for a nice walk, somewhere peaceful because it does me the world of good. Self care is important.

Why on earth do you need to write your husband a list of who his own family members are? I have never once in 14 years done any present/card shopping or sending for my husband’s family, just like he hasn’t done mine. Why on earth women take this on for their husbands, unless they’re a SAHP, is beyond me. He also manages to accomplish the task without me holding his hand through it and listing out his family members…!

I am with you op. I hadn't planned on being the lead on the mental load but for the first time in many years, I haven't enjoyed Christmas at all.
I don't think I minded in the past as everyone has a good time and my nature is to make people happy. However this year, I felt the demands on me where too much. I am not doing that again.

I have already canx plans to host again this week and currently trying to work out how I get out of hosting NY day.

Look after yourself op. Good advise on here. My husband is great but the split is definitely not even.

Honestly this sounds like another case where a woman wants a big picture perfect Christmas with all these details and things that she has thought about and imagined, and she also wants the husband to automatically know and care about all the same stuff. He doesn’t. She gets pissed off at him, he’s annoyed and fed up of her resentment.

Why on earth do you expect him to ‘plan drinks’ at home on Boxing Day? That’s not a thing - go to the fridge and pour something into a glass!

This really all sounds like a massive unnecessary drama to be honest. No man (and few women) see fit to plan Christmas for months. Anyone who chooses all the faff has to accept that other people might just want to chill out and relax.

Why didn’t you pass the baby to him after his nap and go for one yourself?

As someone said upthread, martyrdom really is incredibly irritating and offputting in a person. Have you ever actually chatted to your husband about what each of you wants out of Christmas, in all your months of planning?

Next year: buy presents for your friends and family, leave him to do his. Get some nice food in and agree in advance who will do what in terms of prep and cooking. If you want to go somewhere nice on Boxing Day, agree that and plan it together in advance. Then just relax and spend quality time with your family.

OP I can def emphasise with you and ignore the players who pretend they do t know what you mean. You want your DH to give you some recognition and say ‘put your feet up after all your hard work, let’s get a takeaway.’ I think you need to talk to him when Christmas is over and say what you want for 2023. Eg if you’re shopping for all the gifts, he wraps etc.

And his petty reply was 'oh well I'm just useless as usual.' What can I do with that?

You tell him he won’t be after he sorts dinner.

Everything thing else though is on you. Honestly why would you spend months planning and organizing 2 days? That’s insane. This is one of countless threads where someone has spent crazy amounts of time, money, effort (or combination of all 3) and is pissed off and hurt because of the lack of reciprocation?

Either do it it for yourself or get realistic about what you put into it. But for the love of all that jingles stop moaning about it.

What your husband has said is along the lines of "I just can't get anything right can I?" And "why do I bother?"

It's strategic incompetence, it's manipulative, and it's selfish.

So I'll tell you what you can do with that, you can line your ducks up in a row, and tell that self centred bastard to get to fuck.

Hope you have a nap soon, and a takeaway, and I hope it's delicious. Meanwhile I hope he stands on a Lego.

Next year, be specific.

My OH gets a list. Things he needs to do and when by.

He prefers it that way and it helps me to not have to carry everything around in my head.

I love the Christmas build up and Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is ok… then Boxing Day we do it all again.
I’m really tired this year, glad it’s done. G&T and “Glass Onion- knives out” in about 30 mins!