Do all mums feel like this at Christmas?

[bigbells]

After weeks/months of planning (present shopping, food shopping, wrapping, planning) I feel like I've hit a bit of an emotional brick wall today.

It's Boxing Day and older dc are at their dads so we've just got the baby at home. Had hoped dh might arrange a takeaway, maybe some drinks or something but no. I've spent all day with the baby while he had a 2 hour nap because he was so exhausted from Christmas Day. He cooked lunch to be fair to him and accepted all the rapturous praise from my family but other than that he hasn't shopped, wrapped or planned anything. Older dc seemed disappointed with their gifts even though I spent a fortune. I'm running round like a headless chicken looking after the baby and doing all the behind the scenes stuff and just feel totally unappreciated.

I'm bitterly disappointed tonight which is probably magnified by my tiredness and overall feeling of being done with Christmas. I've told dh it might have been nice for him to arrange one meal for tonight since I've planned all the others. His childish reply 'oh well I'm just useless as always aren't I?'

I don't want to row I just feel like I'm the one who does everything for everyone everyday and very rarely get any recognition or thought. I really would have liked to have gone somewhere today, a nice drive out for a walk or something but as nobody could be bothered I just took the baby round the block while dh slept.

I know these are first world problems I guess I just feel sad. And like I might as well not bother stressing myself out next year because nobody gives a shit anyway.

Honestly OP this is why l go to work - l get so much appreciation and acknowledgement there that l just don't get at home.

Not saying all mums feel like this but a majority of the ones l know definitely do.

I'm with you op! Sorry you are feeling worn out too. I mean I wouldn't spend months or weeks preparing but those people who "just want to chill out and relax" generally can do that because someone else in the household has done the cleaning, the present buying and the food shopping. And I certainly don't think your expectations are excessive about your DH, having had a rest, arranging a takeaway or making a turkey sandwich for you or something.

As it happens, my DH cooks the Christmas dinner and he gets all the praise too! No one seems to notice that, by the end of the holiday, I will have managed to sort breakfast, lunch (except for Christmas lunch itself) cake and sandwiches and various dinners for eight people for almost a week. We might have take away one night but apart from that it's all down to me. It's a bit like men being praised for "baby-sitting" their own DC or doing the school run. It attracts more positive comment somehow than if a mere woman does it.

Ok just to clarify it hasn't been months of planning but what I'm saying is its been months of thinking 'oh I'll get that and put it aside for Christmas' and 'oh I'll need to make a trip to that shop this week to get the extra plates and glasses that we need.' Essential things but things that nobody notices. The same as cleaning the house for visitors etc and trying to look after a clingy baby too.

You are right though, I've created way too much of this pressure and it's been my downfall. Next year I'll scale it back. It hasn't actually been a very extravagant Christmas anyway but I just put way too much responsibility on myself to make everyone else happy.

I put too much pressure on myself but I kind of like it. I dont put loads of pressure on my husband as I know he would be fine with a takeaway and no decorations.

Either way though we have had guests and although I've cooked, he has sorted all the wrapping, bedding and sleeping arrangements, tables and chairs, breakfasts, all cleaning and clearing and dishwashing etc etc. But if there was a big disparity on jobs I would totally sit down and say 'how are we going to get everything done?' rather than secretly hope he was going to do stuff and then get mad when he didn't.

These posts are rife at the moment on MN. As if it’s some great moral failing that a woman has married a man who (20 years later) turns out to be less than perfect.

It’s shaming. As if women aren’t punished enough for everything that goes wrong in life, marrying the wrong man is now also our fault.

It’s misogynistic and horrible.

You have built Christmas up into this massive big thing that you have been planning for for months (probably you also watch TV and have social media where you are bombarded by competitive consumption).
-If you are a Christian, that's not what Christmas is about at all.
-If you are not a Christian - its Yule - a big meal with your family, maybe some drinks with friends, some gifts and hopefully a precious day away from the grind of working to live. That's all it is. You have set yourself up for massive disappointment. Make up with your husband and try and have a nice few days ahead, if you are lucky enough to have some more time off work. Life is too short for this and is hasn't made you happy, has it?

I don’t know if all mums feel like you but I certainly do. My husband has done nothing no cooking or cleaning or gifts, I even ordered my own present. I’d just like a little looking after and to feel a bit special but like you I end up with sod all.

It’s not misogynistic. It’s nothing to do with the DH, really. It’s virtually all on the OP, who’s decided to do a lot of generally unnecessary things. There’s no need to do extra cleaning, extra shopping, extra planning, extra cooking -unless you actually want to. The food is just a roast dinner, I only buy three presents - one for DH, my parents, my sister. DH buys a present each for the DC -they only get one present. He buys for no one else. We put up a tree and decorated it a week ago. That’s it. Then it’s all leisure time and no work. What else is there to do?

Krakenwakes not everyone has the same demands on their time though do they? Surely that’s not so hard to comprehend? People have large extended families, elderly relatives, guests staying, a job which which is busier at Christmas or whatever. It’s not one size fits all!

If you feel like that all the time then the best way is to speak to a councillor or therapist as they will change the way of your thought process. To be honest I don’t think your DH is too bad especially he does cooking most of the time. Men are all like that they don’t have the brain or thoughts to plan surprises/a nice night out/romantic night in etc, but it doesn’t mean they’re not a good husband or not in love with you. Just plan something yourself and I’m sure he’d be happy to join you and pay the bills.

I get that this is what the thread is about.

I was calling out the implication in the second part of your post and you know it.

My DP cooked yesterday so I told him to relax today and I did a nice little buffet.

Im confused why you’re the one sulking?

I don’t know what I am more saddened by - your OP or the unsupportive replies you have had on here from other ‘mums’ . I have only joined Mumsnet to send a reply to you !
Please ignore those who have intimated you have been trying to act as some kind of a martyr. You have been trying to make Christmas a special time for a lot of people of different needs and ages . I actually feel exactly the same as you do this Christmas. Maybe two years of lockdown Christmases meant that this Christmas was just stacked up to be an anti climax . Plus the stress of postal strikes / affording presents in a background of rising bills . So yes - we all had to plan a little in advance this year. It seems to mean some people on here seek to wait for posts like yours to try to make you feel even worse than you did at the start . I am so sorry that you received so many condescending replies. It sounds like you are a wonderful mum and wife . I dearly love my DH but this Christmas I did seem to shoulder the entire thing . I am a martyr . I just got on and did it. But I exploded when my DH commented ‘ is there anything else I need to do ?’ after putting two gifts in a stocking to return to watch tv, Mrs Claus did all the work this year . Santa seemingly not so! We have four children btw. It’s still a sore point but I am choosing to talk about it another time when everyone is back at work and school. Trying to be the one to bring ALL the festive sparkle to a house and source all the presents while working at same time is an exhausting and thankless task. Won’t be doing it again … I have learnt my lesson 😂 DH will be shopping next year . ( which includes the numerous trips back to shops to swap clothing bought in the wrong sizes). I do hope you feel better very soon and that those of us who feel the same as you do ( there are ALOT out there I am sure but likely not looking at mumsnet) will learn from this Christmas not to let this occur again 🥰 Much love xx

Sorry that should read I am NOT a martyr 😇

I feel exactly the same . DSC didn’t get the gift he wanted cause it costs more than our mortgage and has no interest or even a care for what things cost he just expects to get what he wants. DS 6year old emotionally exhausted and has cried and fallen out with me everyday cause I’m such a bad mum (I am not) I have , like you, planned, cooked, bought and wrapped everything Christmas related . Yet I’m the one who gets no thanks or appreciation from anyone , but DH is dad of the year for been the fun one playing etc - only cause he’s done fuck all . I am also 9 months preg and overdue .

mums seem to get the short straw at Christmas but I won’t be next year

No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What implication?
I work full time, I have teen DC, I have elderly parents. Everyone gets one present only, including the teens. The food is a roast dinner, nothing unusual, and a dessert. What else is there to do? Nothing. Except fun stuff.

Oh all those bloody ‘it’s not hard’ mums. Well. If you find it easy, you ain’t doing it right!

That’s my view anyway.

I find it hard, but I want my house to look nice and I spend weeks cleaning it before putting the decs up.

no one in my family would ever agree to present limiting. So that’s not possible.

Christmas dinner is NOT just a roast! Christmas Day is not just another day.

it’s hard when you have small kids.

entertaining is mega stressful.

These things all culminate to it being hard work.

the only other thing to do is put on some sort of ‘Christmas lite’ version, which is a cop out.

someone ends up having to put the effort in, and sadly it’s usually the woman.

and if you’re not the one doing it, who is?

OP hope you're feeling better. I prefer the days after Christmas when you can kick back, Christmas day itself can be stressful for all there's so much pressure. Hope you got your curry!

What a lovely post Chinup! And welcome to Mumsnet!

I totally agree with you and Mezmer!

'Christmas lite' is a cop-out? 🙄

I'd rather have healthy boundaries and a break that actually feels like one. I'm not a human doormat. Happy Christmas!

I feel a bit like you too OP. But i know that if i didnt do all the preparations, they just wouldnt happen, so i am happy to do them. Perhaps you need to speak up a bit more, speak to your DH and explain calmly. In the lead-up to Christmas i got everyone to write down their wishes for the holidays - not material things, rather things they wanted to do - mine included a walk on Christmas day, everyone agreed to it. Tell your DH you'd like a walk and a takeaway!

We have had a much more chilled Christmas this year but I do know where you're coming from. I feel like this a lot of the time but definitely Christmas day feels like it's seen as women's work. If we specifically ask for stuff to be done they will do but never ask or offer. DH does jobs to help me prepare but it's always me who does all the thinking behind everything, I doubt he could have named one present 'we' got for our DCs. He only has to buy for me and even moaned about all the wrapping he had to do!

I definitely need to get DH and DSs to do more next year, it's ridiculous that we passively get on with it and get annoyed rather than saying anything.