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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he he's lied about working/asking to see his call log from last night?

58 replies

thenewduchessoflapland · 26/12/2022 15:55

My husband has always said he hates Christmas,every year is the same,I do everything,all the planning,food prep,the cooking,cleaning up after everyone over the festive period,present buying and wrapping for everything including his family.I suspect his "I hate Christmas" thing is so he can get out of doing anything to contribute.

He's worked every Christmas for years and spends very little time with us,he says he's had no choice but to work but after the past 24 hours I now don't know if that's actually true.

He's off this Christmas,he couldn't work even if he wanted to as he's not in that role as he's now a manager,he only works if cover is needed.

He's done nothing but mope around on Christmas Eve/day.He's barely interacting with myself/kids,won't speak unless he's spoken to,he's been fidgety and jittery and has just sat on his phone.

After dinner I asked for help clearing up from the teens/husband and suddenly my husband says he needs a s&*t and disappears upstairs;he reappears 45 minutes later in his work clothes saying he needs to cover someone as they've not turned up and almost runs out the door.

It occurs to me after he's gone that I didn't hear his work phone go off;the thing is like a foghorn when it rings;it's really loud so I'd have heard it especially as the bathroom is directly above the kitchen.

He's come back after this Night Shift,slept for about 3 hours and has gotten up and doesn't seem tired after only a few hours sleep after a nightshift;normally he's exhausted after a nightshift especially as doesn't do many these days and would normally be like a bear with a sore head after only a few hours sleep.

Something isn't right so I've confronted him about it;I've told him I don't believe he was working last night and that he was looking for an excuse to get out of the house.I told him I didn't hear his phone and he instantly comes back with the excuse there's something wrong with his phone and that he's told me and I've forgotten;he hasn't;I know he hasn't said anything of the sort to me as does he and that he's attempting to gaslight me.

I've told him fine,if that's true he won't mind showing me his call log from the call last night that came through saying he was needed in work and he exploded at me,he screamed at me,swore at me,told me that "I've lost the plot" and "I'm crazy" and then stormed upstairs and slammed the door.That behaviour is out of character for him and sadly tells me that he's very likely lying.

I don't think he was with anyone last night but likely sleeping on the sofa in his office at work.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/12/2022 15:57

Why would he have gone to his work office to sleep on the sofa? He doesn’t sound great anyway, are you really losing much if he has cheated and you divorce him?

NoDairyNoProblem · 26/12/2022 15:58

His behaviour is far from acceptable or indeed normal!
Is he this much of a dickhead out with the festive season?

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 15:58

He’s got an addiction or a woman. Or both

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 15:58

Maybe gambling. Using. Or a man either??

UnpackThisMess · 26/12/2022 16:00

Why does he hate Christmas so much?

tectonicplates · 26/12/2022 16:00

Either he went down the pub with some friends, or he’s seeing someone else. Or, as someone else mentioned, they could be an auction of some kind going on. But something is certainly not right.

tectonicplates · 26/12/2022 16:00

*addiction.

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 16:02

Lol at auction typo. Maybe buying something on eBay

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 26/12/2022 16:02

He's cheating

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 16:02

UnpackThisMess · 26/12/2022 16:00

Why does he hate Christmas so much?

Because he can’t do the other thing

Pineappleskies · 26/12/2022 16:03

I don't disagree with what others have said, but it is possible to find Christmas unbearably upsetting.

It's also possible to tell a lie and not know how to untell it.

Before the divorce someone leaps to in the comments above, I'd look to diffuse tension not exacerbate it.

DrPhilYourGuts · 26/12/2022 16:03

TBH I wouldn't care that much about the work/not working issue.

Being a complete shit and then hiding in the toilet?! Whether he faked work or not the issue seems to be he cannot stand to spend time with the family. Running off to work is a symptom of the real problem, why can't he be at home, a dislike of Christmas seems irrelevant.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 26/12/2022 16:03

To me it sounds like there is definitely something strange going on here. He was acting fidgety and rushed out of the door? How much are you prepared to fight to get to the truth though? Are you suspicions enough to act on them without the proof?

FavouriteDogMug · 26/12/2022 16:06

I wouldn't assume it's an affair in this case it does sound like he sneaked off to avoid Christmas. But it's a bit weird to hate Christmas that much, what is he like at other times?

RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 16:07

Apart from behaving like a selfish arsehole, it's the gaslighting that really isn't on.

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 16:09

Op. Why do you buy presents from him? I’d tell him to do his own

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 16:09

Def an affair. She/ he was texting him in the bog. Ultimatum. He went to see them

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 26/12/2022 16:11

Your mistake was confronting him right away, I would have got my hands on that phone while he was unaware (I'm sure alot on here will disagree with me but i dont care)

The whole thing sounds shady AF and I would trust your gut

LikeTearsInRain · 26/12/2022 16:14

Could he be having an affair OP?

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2022 16:18

I don’t know what he was up to, but he was defo lying. He needs to ‘fess up. If he refuses to discuss things, I do think you need to consider whether this relationship is worth hanging on to. Sorry op, he sounds nasty and a liar to boot.

LimeTwists · 26/12/2022 16:23

Most definitely sounds like lies given his ridiculous overreaction. Would be really simple to prove you wrong, so why doesn’t he?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 26/12/2022 16:23

Whatever he is or is no t doing his behaviour is odd and he needs to accept you will continue to question this until he comes clean... whatever that means for both of you.

He behaviour so far already means the nature of your relationship is irrevocably changed.

His behaviour, his reaction. Not you and yours

TheUndoing · 26/12/2022 16:26

It certainly sounds very suspicious. Does he have a reason to hate Christmas so much (bereavement etc) or is it just the enforced family time?

LimeTwists · 26/12/2022 16:27

If he’s taking the phone into the bathroom and is attached to it all day, could he be messaging another woman? Is that where he’s disappeared to? It would explain why he isn’t tired (slept at hers) and why he was grumpy with you and the children before being called into ‘work’. He didn’t even discuss it with you - just got dressed and told you he was going and leaving you all to it. That’s not ok behaviour on Christmas Day. Normally, he should be happy to be at home with you all and grumpy to be called into work, not the other way round.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 26/12/2022 16:31

Pineappleskies · 26/12/2022 16:03

I don't disagree with what others have said, but it is possible to find Christmas unbearably upsetting.

It's also possible to tell a lie and not know how to untell it.

Before the divorce someone leaps to in the comments above, I'd look to diffuse tension not exacerbate it.

In this situation, better to defuse rather than diffuse...

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