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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he he's lied about working/asking to see his call log from last night?

58 replies

thenewduchessoflapland · 26/12/2022 15:55

My husband has always said he hates Christmas,every year is the same,I do everything,all the planning,food prep,the cooking,cleaning up after everyone over the festive period,present buying and wrapping for everything including his family.I suspect his "I hate Christmas" thing is so he can get out of doing anything to contribute.

He's worked every Christmas for years and spends very little time with us,he says he's had no choice but to work but after the past 24 hours I now don't know if that's actually true.

He's off this Christmas,he couldn't work even if he wanted to as he's not in that role as he's now a manager,he only works if cover is needed.

He's done nothing but mope around on Christmas Eve/day.He's barely interacting with myself/kids,won't speak unless he's spoken to,he's been fidgety and jittery and has just sat on his phone.

After dinner I asked for help clearing up from the teens/husband and suddenly my husband says he needs a s&*t and disappears upstairs;he reappears 45 minutes later in his work clothes saying he needs to cover someone as they've not turned up and almost runs out the door.

It occurs to me after he's gone that I didn't hear his work phone go off;the thing is like a foghorn when it rings;it's really loud so I'd have heard it especially as the bathroom is directly above the kitchen.

He's come back after this Night Shift,slept for about 3 hours and has gotten up and doesn't seem tired after only a few hours sleep after a nightshift;normally he's exhausted after a nightshift especially as doesn't do many these days and would normally be like a bear with a sore head after only a few hours sleep.

Something isn't right so I've confronted him about it;I've told him I don't believe he was working last night and that he was looking for an excuse to get out of the house.I told him I didn't hear his phone and he instantly comes back with the excuse there's something wrong with his phone and that he's told me and I've forgotten;he hasn't;I know he hasn't said anything of the sort to me as does he and that he's attempting to gaslight me.

I've told him fine,if that's true he won't mind showing me his call log from the call last night that came through saying he was needed in work and he exploded at me,he screamed at me,swore at me,told me that "I've lost the plot" and "I'm crazy" and then stormed upstairs and slammed the door.That behaviour is out of character for him and sadly tells me that he's very likely lying.

I don't think he was with anyone last night but likely sleeping on the sofa in his office at work.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2022 16:38

Not an affair but doesn't want to do family life so much he went and slept in the office/played on his phone/watched tv there

All to get out of 'doing Christmas' - also known as 'pitching in and making it enjoyable for the children'

Either way, fucking leave Flowers

girlmom21 · 26/12/2022 16:38

It's the rushing out that makes it weird.

DannydeVitooo · 26/12/2022 16:44

Lol

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/12/2022 16:59

So many bloody useless fuckers around. What is the point of them?

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 17:02

Whatva loser.

Awful husband, awful father.

Your poor children with a father who clearly has no interest innthem or being around them.

You all deserve better.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 26/12/2022 17:04

Even if you hate Christmas you fake it for the dc surely? Or does he hate it because he can't be with ow?

Dixiechickonhols · 26/12/2022 17:07

My instinct is another woman/family on the go.
But even if not and it’s just he hates spending time with you and his children then surely that’s the end anyway. It’s no way to live.

Aquasulis · 26/12/2022 17:10

Dixiechickonhols · 26/12/2022 17:07

My instinct is another woman/family on the go.
But even if not and it’s just he hates spending time with you and his children then surely that’s the end anyway. It’s no way to live.

This. Another partner who wanted to see him Christmas Day / he turns up in work clothes to her

Id be done either way

NewMoonPhase · 26/12/2022 17:14

An you get his phone & look at it op?

Ivecomeoutoflurking · 26/12/2022 17:17

Am I right in thinking he works every Xmas? I hate saying this as it seems so cliche but just seems like he has this whole other family he needs to be with at Xmas. Even if that is so far from the truth he's def hiding something the way he reacted when you confronted him. Sorry OP

Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 17:24

Why does he hate Christmas? Such extreme behaviour warrants a good reason for it.

Lenald · 26/12/2022 17:27

JESUS CHRIST 🚩🚩🚩

Why is he still in your home? Fuck that.

IClaudine · 26/12/2022 17:38

Ivecomeoutoflurking · 26/12/2022 17:17

Am I right in thinking he works every Xmas? I hate saying this as it seems so cliche but just seems like he has this whole other family he needs to be with at Xmas. Even if that is so far from the truth he's def hiding something the way he reacted when you confronted him. Sorry OP

I had that thought too...

denpark · 26/12/2022 17:45

Has he got another partner/family who wanted him to spend Christmas with them? I had a family member who did something similar and his behaviour around Christmas was bad as it got stressful as he couldn't hide his two lives easily.

Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 17:53

To be honest, I’m not thinking of double lives but thinking of trauma linked to Christmas. A death, or injury..something that brings back bad memories.

OP says he has ‘always’ hated Christmas and so that would mean he hated it before there was the OP and DC around to make Christmas more of an occasion. So I’m not sure the OPs suspicions are correct.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2022 18:06

Honestly, I don't think it matters whether he has a secret second life or trauma or just sloped off to sleep on a sofa in his office.

What matters is that he is a shit husband who has "done nothing but mope around on Christmas Eve/day.He's barely interacting with myself/kids,won't speak unless he's spoken to,he's been fidgety and jittery and has just sat on his phone" and goes off at the deep end when he's caught out in his lies.

He avoids family life and expects OP to bear the whole load. He is a shit husband and father, and that is the matter to be addressed.

00100001 · 26/12/2022 18:09

Hope you don't get present for him, as he hates Christmas,he'll obviously hate the gifts too..

Hawkins001 · 26/12/2022 18:13

Is drugs involved ? @thenewduchessoflapland

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/12/2022 18:19

None of his story or excuse given is relevant, OP. What you know is that he 'hates Christmas'. You are putting in the full workload for it. That isn't going to change, is it?

The only thing to do is decide whether you want somebody who will not ever make the effort to help you with family stuff, even if he's not 'feeling it'. Most of us knuckle down and do it, because it's for family.

Not good for children to see this behaviour - his awful rudeness - and your capitulation to get things done regardless (that's martyrdom).

Servalan · 26/12/2022 18:22

What is he like the rest of the year in terms of interacting with you all? Does he help round the place at other times of the year?

CoffeeBoy · 26/12/2022 18:29

I agree with him constantly being on his phone it sounds like another woman.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2022 18:31

Onnabugeisha · 26/12/2022 17:53

To be honest, I’m not thinking of double lives but thinking of trauma linked to Christmas. A death, or injury..something that brings back bad memories.

OP says he has ‘always’ hated Christmas and so that would mean he hated it before there was the OP and DC around to make Christmas more of an occasion. So I’m not sure the OPs suspicions are correct.

God people are so gullible. He’s blatantly cheating.

Madeyoulook · 26/12/2022 18:33

Could be completely disengaged from family life rather than anything dodgy. Exh was the same and he always managed to hide over Christmas.

Singleandproud · 26/12/2022 18:37

I think you really to get to the bottom of why he hates Christmas.

It could be an affair, addiction etc.

But it could also be linked to negative experiences before you came along that you don't know about. An abusive childhood or childhood experiences around Christmas time which is very common, a death of a loved one they don't talk about and many other things that people keep hidden for lots of reasons

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2022 18:48

Absolutely another woman. On his phone all day, distracted and miserable, disappears for the night, and comes home not tired, which suggests he has been sleeping. Somewhere.

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