To ask the court to dismiss the whole case?

[NameChangeForThis93]

I stopped all contact and made a court application over a year ago because my child was coming home with injuries after weekends with dad and after years of abusive behaviour towards me, I wasn’t taking the risk, especially because my child has a disability and is more vulnerable.

The court agreed to stop all contact whilst the case was ongoing so child hasn’t had any contact with dad since. The court asked for a specific letter from dad nearly a year ago at the first hearing and at the last hearing a few months ago ordered dad to go through regular testing and monitoring (because of previous tendencies and allegations that I have made against him) and despite my solicitor chasing him ever since, he has not engaged or responded and these actions still haven’t been completed.

Dad also hasn’t been engaging or responding to any of the other agencies involved.

Based on this information would I be unreasonable to request that the court dismisses the case and basically just let him get on with it? I think it shows a huge lack of respect for everyone else involved when we have completed all of our actions, and also is just a way for him to carry on the control and abuse through the court system by making things difficult and refusing to comply - if someone had genuine reasons surely they would be keeping everyone in the loop and asking for help to get these things completed etc? It also doesn’t show huge promise of him actually sticking to any visitation that he gets given if he can’t even be bothered at this stage.

I just feel like I’ve already wasted a year of my life on this court case and if he can’t be bothered then neither can I, why am I putting myself through all of this for his relationship with his child when he appears to not care and doesn’t make any effort basically?

I agree with CaptainMorgansMistress' comments above but see what your new solicitor says. May be there is some kind of final order the court can be asked to make given the father's failure to comply with the court's instructions in determining what contact may be allowed eg that unless this is provided within 7 days then contact is once a year and supervised or something along those lines?

@Xenia yes that’s a good idea and I was thinking something along the lines of that - that unless he responds within x amount of time - then these are the consequences and that’s final sort of thing. I’ll see what they say when I speak to them - thank you!

@CaptainMorgansMistress most schools and childcare providers are good and will not hand over a child unless they know the person is allowed to collect them.

This includes cases where the child isn't subject to a Court Order but there are other issues.

In the case of the other parent they can also use delaying tactics to contact the parent they know.

I agree with previous posters on here. Just let it play out. You requested things for very serious reasons. Asking to have the case dismissed (if that's even a possibility) would seem like you no longer take this seriously.

@Reugny that’s another issue that needs to be dealt with - I think with a prohibited steps order my solicitor mentioned - because he currently doesn’t know what school the DC attend - we had to move location because of his abuse before I put the application in - but obviously with PR he has that right - so that’s something we need an order against keeping it either secret from him or not allowing him near the school etc - the new school are kept in the loop anyway and very understanding but obviously there are legal issues that they can’t avoid etc

@GirlOfTudor yeah to be honest the judge may not even agree to dismiss the case based on the allegations etc. I think I’ll speak to my solicitor, see what happens at the next hearing and if he even gets all the information in - it can’t go ahead without it - and then take it from there!

I don't understand. If he can't have contact while this is in court, then why would it matter how long it draws out as for as long as this goes on, he definitely can't have contact. Yes it keeps you in limbo but even with that, it's a win as he can't have contact and your child is safe. If you drop the charges, can he then have contact? I wouldn't risk that ever.

For context, I do not allow my XH around my DS unsupervised as he's an addict with a history of violence. He was never physically violent to DS but only because I never allow them to be alone together. Even at that, he managed to endanger him on a number of occasions when he was little. He has also done a few things in recent years that would be 100% emotional abuse but I've always been able to step in and negate it. I've never gone to court, just allow access in my home or take him to XH, so we can see his family, and stay there with him. I hate it, as it does involve me living in limbo but it's the only way I can guarantee DS is safe.

I don't trust the legal system to protect DS. I know too many people who are forced to leave their child with an unsafe parent or had to wait until the actual abuse happened to be able to limit access. Even sometimes the abuse had to be ongoing before that access could be limited. So I just accept the limbo and get on with my own life as best I can. And the best that I can, is actually pretty fantastic. So while I do look forward to being able to cut ties significantly when DS is old enough to safely manage his own relationship, I still live a really good life knowing that my DS is physically and emotionally safe.

@Wanderingowl I do appreciate that because that’s what I did for a long time - in my house or always present to protect the DC’s - word of warning though - if it ever does go to court it will make the situation worse as I was heavily criticised for doing that because it put the DC’s in danger and exposed them to hostile situation between me and their dad according to the professionals - and as a result I had social services involvement with me as a mother until I could prove that I could protect the DC’s and understood the situation I had put them in with that arrangement - so just be careful and I hope everything works out for you!

Thanks for the advice. I do dread things ever going to court but I'm reasonably hopeful at this point that we will manage to plod on like this.

Caveat: I'm in the US, UK courts may be different.

A friend had a similar situation. Her ex did the same; boohooing in court about not seeing DC, agreeing to things in court but never carrying through, etc. She was advised by her lawyer to 'play it out to the end'.

When he didn't follow through with court instructions she ended up with orders for NO visits without going back to court to amend the original order and legal orders she could show the school, Dr's offices, hospitals, daycare etc that they were NOT to release DC to him without her verbal and written consent. She'd asked for his parental rights to be terminated, but the court wouldn't go that far.

The court can draw adverse inferences if he fails to comply with directions. The judge can still make a final order anyway and so you may be best sitting tight and give him enough rope to hang himself at the next hearing. Your solicitor has sensibly been chasing him so there is evidence he knows what he is supposed to do and has had the chance to let you know now if there are any genuine barriers to compliance. The judge should not allow the proceedings to go on indefinitely and one of the things the court and all parties are legally required to consider is the need to avoid delaying the final outcome for the children . Sit tight, knowing it has to end sooner or later and that he is not doing himself any favours.

UK and US have thankfully Very different justice systems and family law

I think that you need the court case to ride itself out for the wellbeing of your child. That's why you started it really and it doesn't sound that going back to a place where he can have unsupervised contact. I would recommend some type of coaching to deal with your anxiety, a good therapist can really help make your life better in that respect.

How frustrating it is to read OP’s narky replies to some helpful, measured responses. Some of you PPs have admirable patience.

Yes but op to be fair you have one across on this thread as far far from… having a full grasp of the situation and legalities

I don’t think there is any harm in asking and explaining your reasons for the request, the worst that can happen is they say no. My ex took me to court for access and then failed to attend the first two hearing or to respond to why he failed to attend, we had the case thrown out with no grounds to reapply after wasting the courts time to which they agreed.

I know but I think that the OP is having a bad day with the anxiety about this case. She did ask for advice and is reading this thread so maybe she'll decide differently on a calmer dat.

I think it’s the OP that’s taking her ex to court. So she’s wanting to dismiss her own case.