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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my child babysat just yet?

54 replies

Lavender14 · 25/12/2022 02:22

So I have an almost 4 week old and I'm currently breastfeeding and recovering from a section. I'm really enjoying being a parent so far and have put a lot of effort into building attachment etc and establishing feeding.

I have absolutely lovely in laws, we get on really well and we see them regularly and they've been really supportive since baby came along. They're very much the doting grandparents which is lovely and I do really appreciate it. My only issue is they are busting to get babysitting/ take baby out for walks etc and want to visit/ have us over multiple times a week. I'm sure there will come a point where I would really appreciate a break, but right now I just don't want to be away from baby at all. The only person I really want to take him out is my husband (mainly because I want him to enjoy that time with baby too) but I really, really miss him when he's not with me. My fil keeps talking about taking him out for an hours walk a few times a week to give me a break and so far I've deflected or invited him round instead so I can still be there but I'm a bit worried they're going to start getting offended and I'm not sure how to keep saying no.

I know dh is really keen to go along with whatever they suggest, they're a very close family so he's used to that level of contact with his folks (I'm not from that type of family and can find it a bit intense if I'm honest but i am more inteoverted). Aibu to continue saying no to them babysitting without me present and ask dh to back me up more on it even if it offends his parents? Or is there a better way to manage it?

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 25/12/2022 02:39

I said no repeatedly until my son was at least 1. It has not affected their bond. Noone takes my breastfed baby from me for any reason until I am comfortable, not a single bit sorry.

Summer2424 · 25/12/2022 02:41

@Lavender14 i'm totally like you!!! I am so attached to my bubba, even now at 12 weeks old. I can't handle my bubba being away from me or being taken out without me. I totally get you!! Not sure how understanding your partner is but maybe just say this is the 4th trimester and need bubba with me x

lifeinthehills · 25/12/2022 02:45

You're not wrong. If you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable, and your baby is only four weeks old. I'd never have left my babies at that age.

DoubleShotEspresso · 25/12/2022 02:47

Our DC is 8 years old and has never been babysat by my in-laws OP.
It's entirely your call.

BicycleLoaf · 25/12/2022 02:50

I couldn't imagine being away from my little girl now and she's 7 months! Partially because she still nurses every hour but mostly because I'd miss her far too much!
But no, YANBU at all. There will be plenty of time in coming months or years for them to spend time with your little one.

Nosleepforthismum · 25/12/2022 03:09

I think you need to ask to DH to have a kind word with them and just explain that although he understands they are excited it’s very early days and you are feeling increasingly under pressure from them. Hopefully this will get them to back off a little. Having said that, it feels strange letting them go off with another adult for the first time at any age so just be prepared for those feelings when it finally does happen BUT it really is a lovely thing to have GP’s who are interested and involved and I think taking them out for an hour in the pram is quite a gentle way to start.

Pumkinpatch2 · 25/12/2022 03:36

I struggled with this after having my first. And because they were twins mil felt it was ok to disappear off with ‘just one’ before I was ready after pushing to ‘have a go’ holding him in the sling.

Don’t do it until you’re ready and don’t let anyone push you on it - it’s really not their place so don’t feel guilty about it either. My partner didn’t back me up as much as I needed and it consequently caused a lot of arguments and resentment - I am still a miffed about it 2 years on and I lost some respect for my partner because of it. I hope your DP backs you up as he should be doing what’s best for you and your baby now, not his parents.

Pumkinpatch2 · 25/12/2022 03:39

Good luck OP you sound like a wonderful mum.

DozyFox · 25/12/2022 03:44

4 weeks! Bloody hell. I opened this expecting you to say your baby was much older than this - and even then I'd still be on your side, as mine is 1 year now and still only is without me or DH unless it's necessary!

Your baby is tiny. Your DH needs to kindly have a word with them, and just explain that it's nothing remotely personal but you just want to be near the baby right now. They're more than welcome to come over and spend time with your baby with you there - it certainly hasn't affected the bond my parents and in laws have with my child!

PuttingDownRoots · 25/12/2022 03:46

I had a different situation to most... DH wasn't around much (army) and DD1 was troublesome with naps and taking her for walks in the pram was one way to ensure she had her afternoon one. I felt a bit of relief when there was someone else to do it (my parents, PILS or every third weekend DH) as I got a shower and cuppa and basically 90mins of being Me.

But if don't need or want that, its fine. They are only this age once. Our instinct is to protect them.

darkbluelight · 25/12/2022 05:30

Mine is 5 months and I still haven't had anyone look after her without me there.
Friends keep offering and my DP is keen for us to let them so we can go out and do something together but I don't feel ready yet.

If you really wanted the break and you wanted them to, then fine.
But don't do it just to please then if you don't want or don't feel ready to.

Just tell them no and that you don't feel ready yet. If they keep asking, maybe say
"I have told you I don't feel ready. As soon as I do, I'll let you know" or something.

Ivyonafence · 25/12/2022 05:35

If they are good people just be clear with them.

There's nothing wrong with how you feel, I felt exactly the same. It's a lot of unnecessary pressure when you sense people frothing to take your baby off your hands before you're ready.

Tell them you'll let them know when you need a break but it could be a while as youre enjoying the baby and focusing on your own bond with him for now.

There's plenty of time for grandparents to bond later.

Sceptre86 · 25/12/2022 08:30

You be honest and speak to them yourself instead of hiding behind your dh. Something along the lines of how you appreciate their thoughtfulness and desire to spend time with their grandchild but they are too little to be away from you yet and with breastfeeding it isn't really practical. You'd be more than happy to have them over once a week (or whatever you are comfortable with) to spend time with the baby. You don't want to upset them but equally you shouldn't be railroaded into something you aren't happy with.

KangarooKenny · 25/12/2022 08:34

Do you have your own parents who will baby sit for you ?
I never left mine with the in-laws, I left my first at 6 weeks while we went to watch a film, but that was with my parents, and he slept the whole time I was gone.

talkingmorenonsense · 25/12/2022 08:42

When my babies were four weeks and for even longer than that, they never left me. Breastfeeding and bonding is happening and is so important. Explain to DH that it’s an absolute priority for you to have your baby with you and you will decide when the time is right for anyone else to take him. Tell him to gently explain this to his parents. From now on, DH needs to completely support what’s best for you and your baby and his parent’s wishes have to come second. Getting this right now is essential, otherwise you could face years of living by their rules.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 25/12/2022 08:44

No, I felt the same. Loads of people offered to have him for a bit but I didn’t want them to. In the end it felt like massive pressure, so I nicely told everyone that I wasn’t ready to leave him but would let them know when I was. That did stop a lot of the offers, which was nice, and anyone who kept offering - well, it was clear they just wanted the baby rather than to help us! But I wish I’d done that earlier, it was well received and provided a lot of relief.

My baby is now one and I’ve still not left him anywhere but with my husband. I probably could, now, but for various reasons we haven’t. He’ll start nursery next month. I’m happy with how we’ve done things.

helpfulperson · 25/12/2022 08:50

But don't forget, if you do want a break it is OK for others to look after your baby. Your bond isn't going to be damaged just because they spent an hour or even half an hour with someone else occasionally. There is a lot of misunderstanding about attachement and bonding.

poefaced · 25/12/2022 09:07

They don’t sound lovely, trying to take a 4week old from its mother. They seem a bit selfish or clueless.

The fact that your Dh wants to go along with what ever they say is worrying. You are vulnerable right now and he needs to advocate for you. Tell him clearly that the constant asks to take baby have to stop.

And don’t feel you have to have DGPs round several times a week to compensate, that’s way too much.

Mummyboy1 · 25/12/2022 11:04

Absolutely not. If you don't want it then just firmly say no. I moved into my own place when my little one was 4 weeks old, and whilst I was moving my things in my family looked after him for a few hours everyday. I can say this had a huge negative effect on me. Whilst it was helpful I missed him so much and it got to the point where Ifelt he didn't need me.

Original poster

Lavender14 · 25/12/2022 12:05

Thanks everyone for the advice! I'm conscious I'm still hormonal and recovering so it's easy to question if you're being a bit paranoid so its really reassuring to know so many of you felt the same way and that its normal!

They are just excited and enthusiastic and I know they do mean well. Other grandkids have been bottle fed and minded from very young so I think that's just what they are used to (nothing wrong with that, just didn't feel right for me). I think I'm just a bit worried about being perceived as awkward since other dils haven't had issue with this.

Dh will back me if I really need him to, he just (like me) doesn't want to upset anyone as his parents are very good to us and we do want baby to have a great relationship with them. He just wouldn't think to say no off the bat because in his head it's a nice thing they are offering, but it makes it harder to go back on that later.

For those who asked, my family live further away so they've been coming to visit baby while I'm there too but they still wouldn't be babysitting other than to let me get a quick shower while I'm still at home. I know logically I could leave him and he'll be fine but I just don't want to and since I'm ebf I worry he might get hungry and then noone else could settle him.

OP posts:

Flowerfairy101 · 25/12/2022 12:34

My inlaws wanted this from 8 weeks and my DD was 6 weeks prem so she was technically only 2 weeks old. I hated being away from her and had nightmares about her being taken back into hospital away from me again for ages. When they first asked I just said thank you but I think she's a bit young, I'll bear it in mind when she's older. A month later at Christmas MIL asked again but kind of more forcefully. So I gave her a look of pure shit and said that I had already said no and nothing had changed since. Awkward silence. They don't ask anymore but MIL will make some sort of comment like 'maybe ONE DAY you'll get to go in grandad's car ' wistful sigh every time we see them. It really put me off them because they clearly weren't thinking of me or DD, just their desire to play mummy and daddy again. I'm glad now I didnt ever leave her with them because they've shown some pretty punitive attitudes to parenting and really high expectations for a toddler in terms of behaviour. Say no, mean it, and if they keep on, be prepared to get a bit shitty and tell them you will tell them when you're ready.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 25/12/2022 12:46

Tell your DH to have words. They are causing you some anxiety and they need to leave you in peace with YOUR baby.

They can wait. Like every other grandparent does. You child, your choice.

And if he can't then you need to tell him that he now needs to make a grown up choice. To be primarily the child of his parents or primarily the parent to his child.

elevenplusdilemma · 25/12/2022 12:48

It's absolutely fine to say no at this stage. My reasoning - which worked as a good excuse - was that I didn't want the baby to be exposed to any germs that I wasn't exposed to, because I would only make antibodies in my milk for pathogens that I was exposed to. I'd go out to places without the baby (such as the supermarket while she stayed home with DH), but she never went anywhere without me, nor did we receive visitors if I wasn't home. DD was born in a swine flu winter - I'd feel the same if I had a baby in Covid times. Tiny babies are vulnerable, especially in the winter months.
Once DD was 6 months ish, I felt differently and was happy for GP to take her out for a walk in the buggy for an hour here and there.

superdupernova · 25/12/2022 12:49

I was just honest with my mum. I told her I was tired but didn't want a break and was still too attached to DD. She laughed when I said I missed her just going to another room in the first few days then remembered feeling the same with my brother who was her first.

Laserbird16 · 25/12/2022 12:50

They have whole lifetime to love your DC. Move at the pace you are comfortable with. Tell DH and them you are not ready yet but appreciate the offer. You'll let them know when you are ready

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