To not want my child babysat just yet?

[Lavender14]

So I have an almost 4 week old and I'm currently breastfeeding and recovering from a section. I'm really enjoying being a parent so far and have put a lot of effort into building attachment etc and establishing feeding.

I have absolutely lovely in laws, we get on really well and we see them regularly and they've been really supportive since baby came along. They're very much the doting grandparents which is lovely and I do really appreciate it. My only issue is they are busting to get babysitting/ take baby out for walks etc and want to visit/ have us over multiple times a week. I'm sure there will come a point where I would really appreciate a break, but right now I just don't want to be away from baby at all. The only person I really want to take him out is my husband (mainly because I want him to enjoy that time with baby too) but I really, really miss him when he's not with me. My fil keeps talking about taking him out for an hours walk a few times a week to give me a break and so far I've deflected or invited him round instead so I can still be there but I'm a bit worried they're going to start getting offended and I'm not sure how to keep saying no.

I know dh is really keen to go along with whatever they suggest, they're a very close family so he's used to that level of contact with his folks (I'm not from that type of family and can find it a bit intense if I'm honest but i am more inteoverted). Aibu to continue saying no to them babysitting without me present and ask dh to back me up more on it even if it offends his parents? Or is there a better way to manage it?

I wonder who the 16% are who said YABU?
Women who have never breastfed?
Grandparents?

Completely normal. Ask DH to have a kind word with them. I had the same issue with MIL and my own parents who would ask a lot and wanting to come round all the time. DS was 4 months before we reluctantly had to leave him to go to a close friends wedding (parents looked after him at our house). I definitely wouldn't of left him this soon if it wasn't for this. Other than this they rarely looked after him unless I had an appointment or something (DP works away). He's 1 now and I'm back to work so have no choice but to leave him and feel a lot more comfortable now, but it definitely took a while.

On the other hand, PP said their child is 8 and have never left their child to be looked after by in laws, unless there's a back story/they're incompetent that seems very extreme and sad to deny a grown child from a relationship with their grandparents.

I had 2 sections (one very traumatic emergency, 1 planned) and breastfed both babies. My husband occasionally took 1st out in pram for a walk, but otherwise I only left a baby with him for a medical appointment I couldn't take them to. I left no1 at 2.5yrs with my parents when I went in to have no2. Left no2 with them for 90 minutes at 10months old to take oldest to am appt. I realise I'm in the minority, but you can see how I feel about it. I did have very severe postpartum anxiety and depression with no1 (and if you worry excessively you may want to look into that soon), which was part of it. Much more relaxed with now, partly because I didn't have the PPA/D, partly because just generally more relaxed having done it once.
But babies need their mums. And mums need their babies. In my opinion that closeness is even more important in a breastfed baby, as with so many that's the best way to sooth them and they are used to so much closeness with mum, as they arent fed by other caregivers. No judgement to those happy to let others take baby for a break, but YOU are mum here, you have the right to say it. "I'm not comfortable with him being away from me right now. We're settling in to family life and I'm still recovering physically". And if they keep pushing you may need to ask partner to be more blunt, or be blunt yourself. "I will not be leaving baby with anyone until I'm comfortable with it, please stop asking".

It sounds like they’ve just forgotten about different ages and stages

I think you should just be direct and tell them, they sound excited and trying to be helpful:
”Thank you so much, that’s very kind. I’m not quite ready to be parted from DC yet but would love to have your help when he’s a bit bigger”

I didn't breastfeed and I didn't leave my baby. If you don't want to right now that is completely your decision and I'm sure they will understand. My little one is now one, I've left in maybe once or twice with nans/grandads and that's only because I couldn't take him with me . You will do it when your ready, every person is different. My little boy still loves his nanny and grandad regardless and they obviously still adore him.

You’re not ready. That’s enough of a reason, from you or from your husband. It’s perfectly normal and acceptable to just say that, for as long as you like.

Not a chance in hell anyone would have taken my 4 week old away from me. At that age they really just need their mum all the time, bonding with anyone else just doesn’t come into it. I didn’t leave my baby with anyone other than DH until 9 months and that was with my best friend for a KIT day morning. Follow your instincts entirely here and don’t worry about anyone else.

YANBU, but neither are they.

The idea of someone taking my baby out for a walk in the pram for an hour while I had a sleep would have been wonderful for me.

It is lovely that they are offering. A walk round the block or round the local park is hardly 'babysitting' though. I don't think that many of us wanted babysitters at just a month, but an hour to ourselves would have been welcomed by many. So it is nice to have that option.

My in laws didn't babysit until DD was 2 and even then its generally always at our house where she has everything she needs. The only exception has been when she was taken out for the day once.

4 weeks is incredibly young, tell them to stop. All that pushing for babysitting only makes less likely to take them up on it imo.

Is there a reason for this? Do your parents babysit?

4 weeks is way too young OP! YANBU

You are not unreasonable.

4 weeks is very young. Your baby should only go to a babysitter when you decide you need someone to help. You should feel 100% comfortable and ready, you should never feel pressured by anyone else.

This is a really good, sensible post.

You not wanting to be separated from your 4 week old baby is completely natural, instinctive behaviour. Just need to look at the animal kingdom and how fierce mums get over their young. It really is your choice whether to allow it or not, don’t be coerced by anyone. It’s nice you have the option but you have the choice to use it or not. Don’t feel forced to just because they’ve offered. They will understand that you are naturally protective over your baby. It doesn’t last forever 😂 especially when they’re toddlers then you’ll definitely want the break and they should be understanding and respectful.

YANBU! Don’t let people try to seperate you from your baby before you’re ready, people have some weird desire to do that it seems. The baby is way too young and would miss you. Your baby isn’t there to entertain grandparents.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here. You (or dh) just need to be clearer with communication. It's worked for the other dgc (and for bottle feeding or other reasons that's absolutely fine and it shouldn't be shouldn't be suggested that bottle feeding means mums don't feel the same about leaving babies either, it's OK or not depending on mum). But I don't think they're in the wrong to keep offering and thinking they're trying to help - you (dh) need to spell it out for them, especially if that hasn't been their lived experience to date. Noone is wrong here.

You’re not wrong. Or unreasonable. My son is 6 months old and I’ve never left him with anyone to be babysat for an hour.

His dad (my husband) has took him for a nap at home whilst I got a coffee at the corner of the street which is the first time I left him at 3 months old, I sat for half an hour and returned whilst he was still sleeping.

The second time I left him, he was napping and I left him at home with my sister whilst I got a drive thru coffee (I was 17 mins, yes I timed it😂) and also returned whilst he was still sleeping. 4 months old.

Both of our families are doting grandparents/aunties/uncles and love him very much. In the beginning I think they struggled with the idea that they were not taking him out but they got used to it and nobody is offended. Do what’s right for you and your little one, your family will enjoy the time they spend with him regardless of whether it’s at your house or on a walk outside.

@TakeYourFinalPosition - for a year your child hasn’t been alone with other people and now moving to long periods at nursery - is that right?

No access to primary caregivers for long periods of time, with no experience being alone with secondary caregivers? Has the nursery suggested any support with that transition?

This thread is a year old.

This. Is there a little compromise. They just want to be involved and sound lovely. You are very lucky.

4 weeks is very young. I have a 3 week old and wouldn't dream of leaving him with anyone but my husband for months yet. I think my first child was 5 months the first time he stayed at my mum's house for a couple hours so my husband and I could go out for dinner.

Honestly, I think it's lovely that they're such enthusiastic grandparents but just keep explaining that he's too young for you to leave just yet. It's whenever you feel ready but when you do then you'll probably find their help invaluable, even if it's years from now.

As the baby will now be over a year old, I'd imagine it's sorted 😜

I find threads like these a bit bonkers.

Of course you are not unreasonable to not be away from your brand new baby! And i can't even imagine feeling guilty or shitty for telling people no - it old people no constantly when i had my daughter.

'No thank you, i dont want to be away from baby yet.'

Simple as that - i dont know anyone who doesnt understand that a mother wants to be with her neborn baby. Just stand your ground - you dont need to give any other explanationt hen no, i dont want to be away from them yet.

Your child is going to look to you to advocate for them for many years when they don't know how they can stand up for themselves - so start now! Get some thick skin and stand up for yourself!

Babies are not toys to be shared around.

At 4 weeks old (and for a long time yet) the best place for a baby is with its loving parents.

Stick to your guns OP. Maybe in a few months you’ll be keen for a break and say yes please, maybe not. Either is fine.