Is this a common pet peeve?

[Hiimblahblah]

I’ve mentioned this to my partner and he doesn’t get it 😅 when someone refers to a woman as Mrs (Husband forename) & (Married Surname). Like Mrs Barrack Obama instead of her own forename.

I wouldn’t describe myself as a hardcore feminist, but this really is something that grinds my gears. Maybe it’s personal and not a common pet peeve, but I feel like women already lose a part of their identity when changing their name after marriage. By referring to them as their husband, it feels like the person is denying their identity all together.

I couldn't get so bothered about other people's personal choices.

Sorry, where is the choice here?

I don't like it either. Almost makes it out like the woman doesn't even have the right for her name to be mentioned , she's just Mrs (husbands name)

Agreed! It’s extremely old fashioned. My DPs sister sent out her wedding invitations, and the invitations she sent to the married couples were all addressed this way. I would be been so pissed 😂

I agree OP I absolutely HATE this! You've chosen to take your husband's last name, not his first name too! You are your own person with your own name and own identity.

I don't really care if someone chooses to refer to themselves that way as ultimately it doesn't affect my life but I'd be furious if someone referred to me that way.

@PeachyMama same.

It winds me right up. Imagine if the opposite happened; people called my husband Mr El 8888. We went double baralled and that blew a lot of people’s minds

One of the reasons I didn’t get married is shit like this.

Guess what, it still happens. His family still send things addressed this way and in a load of weird and wonderful combinations they deem appropriate. So I still get called Mrs HisName but now it comes with a side eye of judgment.

Yes it’s archaic! I can’t believe anyone would still do this in this day and age. Gross.

Many of the "Mr" in the case of couples I know are dead - wonder what the archaic form of address is for that eventuality.

I think that's an old fashioned form of address. I haven't seen this for years

The plaque at Murrayfield records the opening of the stadium by one Mrs Mark Phillips. Whoever she is, some housewife probably.

It's not my name - my name didn't change, I don't get wound up by it - I know the type they refuse to change - use tradition as an excuse for being disrespectful - because it's all about them and what they think rather than how it makes the person their addressing feel - they'll die out eventually.

I didn't take any of my husbands names and older relatives still send cards addressed to Mrs DH's full name. Even more annoyingly, I've received cheques made out to me with his surname. Cashiers will not accept these, but , top tip, the paying machine accepts them for the joint account, hurrah!

Thank goodness it’s not just me!!!

@WatchoRulo the form in this instance is Mrs Own name again I think. So Mrs John Black = married, husband alive, Mrs Charlotte Black = widowed or divorced.

It doesn't bother me but I don't do it on cards as I don't want to offend anyone. Much neater to address envelopes that way though, which I think is why it persists.

It’s archaic and when it happens I do think why people have done it. If it’s a wedding invitation it’s generally because people are playing at being proper / formal / posh without thinking it through.

I don’t like it.

However, I think it’s somewhat hypocritical for people to complain, if they have anyway chosen to take their husband’s name - as it comes from the same fundamental principle that men are more important.

You say you have a partner - are they male and would you take their name, @Hiimblahblah ?

Hmmmmm, I would certainly disagree with that. Yes, I’ll be taking his SURNAME, not his forename. Very very different

“Hmmmmm, I would certainly disagree with that. Yes, I’ll be taking his SURNAME, not his forename. Very very different”

Really? “Very very” different, not just different? How so?

Explain why you are taking his surname, and he’s not taking yours. Are you really very very sure it’s not rooted in the same origins of men being more important?

I don’t agree they’re different. Both rooted in ownership of women and misogyny. Why anyone would want to take a man’s surname in a hetero marriage these days is beyond me

That is a historical hangover. Like giving the wife the initials of her husband. Eg Mrs B Obama even though her name's Michelle. It's a bit of history. It'll be gone soon. Like the nuclear family.

I will explain, but not because you demanded it off me!

My DC is surrounded by DPs family, so I feel it makes sense that he shares their surname. I grew up in foster care, and always felt left out that I didn’t have anyone around me with the same surname as me, I always felt like a spare part and not really part of a family, so I projected this trigger onto my DC. The bottom line is that I want to share my sons name and fit in for once, rather than feel separate.

No one needs to explain anything
It's personal choice
Who are you to demand an explanation? Absolutely none of your business what someone else chooses to do.
When friends have got married I don't know anyone who has been asked to explain why they have it haven't changed their name.

I had to explain to my elderly mother why I didn't like being addressed by DH's first name instead of mine. No problem with the surname, I chose to take that 32 years ago when I got married, but I really didn't like the addition of the first name bit. To my mother's credit she stopped doing it, even though she's of the opinion that etiquette-wise it's correct.

But etiquette is about not offending people - not sticking to a party line regardless

"Many of the "Mr" in the case of couples I know are dead - wonder what the archaic form of address is for that eventuality."

As MrsToothyBitch describes. My widowed granny was a stickler for it and used to mutter a bit about the ignorance of people who addressed their Christmas cards to her as "Mrs late husband's initial/his full forename surname" rather than the correct "Mrs own initial (or her full forename) surname".