Is this a common pet peeve?

[Hiimblahblah]

I’ve mentioned this to my partner and he doesn’t get it 😅 when someone refers to a woman as Mrs (Husband forename) & (Married Surname). Like Mrs Barrack Obama instead of her own forename.

I wouldn’t describe myself as a hardcore feminist, but this really is something that grinds my gears. Maybe it’s personal and not a common pet peeve, but I feel like women already lose a part of their identity when changing their name after marriage. By referring to them as their husband, it feels like the person is denying their identity all together.

No you have lost the argument on the revelation that you will take your husbands surname, in fact it is a bit amusing. If you have an issue with the principle of taking a man’s name then it is pretty much the same whether it is first name or surname.

I would presume it was done by people of a generation or so older than me

So it makes sense to them, of all the things in the world I could be annoyed about I just don't care

I rolled my eyes the first time it happened to me but I rarely get called Mrs these days so as older generations die out formal things like this will lessen so I don't really care

Not really, or not in all cases

In my case I took my husbands surname because my family were abusive and it was the easiest way to change my name and feel part of a new family (I married young) and because I was still trying to placate my family it didn't cause the massive rukus that just changing my name would have done

My first name is entirely different. Mostly because I go by a nickname that my parents didn't use, so it doesn't feel associated with them.

To me taking someone else's surname and taking someone else's forename are different

Although I do see your point for someone taking a man's surname simply because they are a man, but the OP has explained her much more complex reasons than that

I took my husbands surname too, but I have not started a thread feeling outraged at how something has been addressed. I mean in actual fact nobody has taken their husbands first name anyway, whereas OP is planning to take her future husbands surname.

And I think you and OP are both mixing up two issues that ought not to be mixed up. My father was abusive and I did not recover at the point of changing my name. And to OP wanting to share a name with a family, well why does it have to be somebody else’s name not her own if she feels it is so wrong for a woman to change her name.

Gives me 'Of fred', 'Of warren', 'Of lawrence' vibes.

Well thank you for educating me on how to recover from my childhood abuse

Obviously changing my surname did not fix the abuse, but to be clear it massively helped me mentally. I'm sorry that wasn't the case for you, but that doesn't change my life experience.

I hate that.

I've had post to me and my husband addressed like this.

Mr and Mrs John Smith

Why can't it be addressed to:

Mr and Mrs Smith, or

John and Janet Smith

And as I have said, this is a completely separate issue to taking your husbands name. You could have changed your name to any random name you liked if it so helped you. It didn’t have to be your husbands did it.

My point on this thread is that I feel it is incongruent for somebody to be outraged at an old fashioned form of address because it uses the husbands initial on an envelope, whilst then in the next sentence she says she is taking her husbands name.

Again, I have nothing against taking husbands name as I did myself, but I find the OP absurd.

Not almost, that's exactly what it is!

It would then be Mrs her name, his surname.

@Itloggedmeoutagain thank you ❤️

@Aprilx

If you read my update you would understand why I took his name.

Also, what argument did I lose? I was asking for opinions, not arguing with anyone 😅

On par with the Dad giving the daughter away like we're prize cattle at a farmers market

I’ve already explained my reasons, I don’t see the point in explaining them again tbh, you mustn’t have read them correctly. As stated, I chose to take my FH SURNAME, not his FORENAME. I honestly can’t be any clearer than that, I’m sorry.

Is this a common pet peeve?

Not really, but not putting a descriptive title, with some kind of clue to what the thread is about - yeah, thats a pet peeve

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain

I’m so sorry to hear this, sending my love ❤️. You done the right thing changing your name. These things might seem small to others, but they make people feel like they have some power over their life, when they didn’t previously during a very hard childhood.

I don't like it but I think it depends who does it. For example, my grandparents will send cards to "Mr and Mrs DH initial & surname". I know that to my grandma, she genuinely thinks that it's a nice way of referring to us and recognising that we're a couple.
I disagree, but her intention is nice and she's 97 and I wouldn't say it annoys me.

If I were to get a letter from say, the bank, addressed this way, that would be different.

I'd hate to receive something addressing me like that. I also took my husband's surname and I'm happy that we share that. I didn't take his full name, I am my own person.

Another pet peeve of mine is when someone has too much time on their hands and bitterly writes something on a thread that doesn’t really relate much to the purpose of the thread in an attempt to wind up the OP 😉

Yea this is a fair point. I wouldn’t it to someone who is from a generation where this is normal, there’s no point. But if I received a wedding invitation or a bank letter in such a manner, I would be irritated 🙈

Each to their own though, I respect that some people don’t mind it and that’s perfectly fine ☺️

Exactly. We didn’t merge together into one blob, I’m still me 😂😂

This is exactly hoe my mum addressed cards to relatives... I used to be amazed at this as a small child...!just why??!

It also struck me... Why did the men not have to reveal their widow /married status??

Sorry if I’ve missed a key point here. Do you mean they don’t have to reveal their marital status on official documentation etc.?

'If you have an issue with the principle of taking a man’s name then it is pretty much the same whether it is first name or surname.'

Agree. It's a daft thing to do, whether we're talking first or last names. The 'free choice' argument would only hold water if men took their wives last names in any kind of numbers at all

Another pet peeve is when the op assumes another poster is bitter because they point out something that is really annoying