My family ignore my step-children’s existence- even at Christmas - and it’s p*saving me off

[Stones007]

I was going to post this a couple of days ago, but thought I’d wait in case I was wrong / to see if anything had changed. Unfortunately it hasn’t and so I’m asking for advice/ support/ if I’m overreacting.

Apologies that this may be long- I think for advice i get, you’ll need to get some insight into why things perhaps aren’t so straightforward.

My partner & I have been together for almost 4 years now, and she has two boys from previous- and I am their step-parent. They’re very polite, easy going, and play really well with all other children. My partner & I got married last year, but aside from my mum, not a single member of my family/ extended family acknowledge them.

I have a large extended family and between us all, there are 9 children between the ages of 5-13 (including our boys). My partner and I always make a big effort to choose lovely and thoughtful gifts for each child every birthday and every Christmas; we’ve never missed a single one. We sign them off from me, my partner, and our boys.

To this date, the boys have not received so much as a birthday card from any of them, and even this year when we went over and travelled for hours to drop off Christmas presents to to my family, not a single one had got our boys anything. Not even a card.

For some of my family, it’s that they ‘just’ don’t really care/ haven’t really thought about it, but for others i can’t help but feel that it’s out of spite.

For example, my sister has a very strange relationship with me. I love her and always looked up to her. I idolised her as a kid, and I’m always cheering her on and am there for her when she needs. But it feels like she’s always trying to be in competition with me. She ignores every single one of my achievements, makes digs at me whenever she can ‘as a joke’ but yet often copies me. The thing is, I’m not like that, and I love her and would gladly help her with anything. She’s older than me, but on paper, I’ve ‘achieved’ more than her - career, House, salary, relationship etc. (not that I think that is the be-all and end-all of life achievements, not even close, but her passive aggression towards me has gotten so much worse the more successful I’ve become). She has two daughters who I adore. They often come for sleepovers, join us on family days out etc. I know she’s got Christmas presents for her nieces & nephews on her partners side as she always makes an effort for them, but not even a card for our boys. She’ll know I’ve noticed, but when you confront her, even gently, she gets extremely defensive and will cut me out. She’s done this before (she made a ‘joke’ about my weight - I told her it upset me) and I didn’t get to see my nieces for 6 months - she did apologise but I think she’d do it again.

i love and care about all of my nieces, nephews, and little cousins immensely, and I would never stop making an effort with them just because their parents don’t make an effort with ours, but it does hurt. Especially because I think our boys deserve to be cared about. They really are great kids, but even if they weren’t, that’s still not a reason to ignore/ outcast a child is it?

I’m just so confused and going over & over everything in my head. I’ve never argued with my extended family, fallen out with them, etc. so I can’t understand why they seem to be so uncomfortable about my stepchildren? Maybe I’m overthinking.

I know that I’m definitely p*ssed off. Tho as I’ve been writing this, I'm just getting more upset.

So my questions I guess, are;

-Am I right to feel angry & upset about this?
-Should I talk to my family about this? Should I just talk to certain members?
-If I am to talk/ confront, when should I do it? Should I wait until after Christmas period?
-Has anyone else been through similar?

They have clearly decided your step-sons aren't their family. You can't force other family members to accept children or even your own partner/spouse into their family.

And in the case of your sister you clearly have bigger issues. Your best bet with her is to reduce contact as she sounds like a cow. You can choose whether to have it out with her or not, but even if you do don't expect her behaviour to change just because you want it.

I absolutely agree OP. Disgraceful behaviour from your family. My SIL has a step son, she was in a relationship with his dad until he was 5, even when they broke up she continued to take him every weekend and now he's that he's 15 he's actually living with her. I've always seen him as our nephew, and he's always been looked upon as a grandchild/nephew by my inlaws.

I couldn't let this go past me, I'd have to raise it with my family. These are innocent kids and no doubt will pick up that they are over looked by your family. My step sons would come first, absolutely, and that would be the hill I would die on if it came down to it.

There is a situation in our family where siblings have their own children (different mother than current girlfriend) but their girlfriends also have children from previous relationships.

We initially bought for the children but it was never acknowledged, and my siblings failed to bother with my own son - presumably because they think he's spoilt anyway - comments have been made before.

Slowly, slowly, I've grown tired of the lack of effort or appreciation from them and the kids who are old enough to understand (10,12). These are kids that never say thank you for a drink, a meal or anything, and can barely grunt hello. I've just announced that I won't be buying for others, and nobody needs to bother buying for mine - not that they did anyway. It was always 'ooops, we have left the present at home', or 'oh there's money in a card...at home' which never gets received. My DC is currently too young to understand the excuses thankfully but I don't want him being disappointed as he grows up - knowing the fuss we make of others, and nobody bothers with him. In reality, it's not to do with the money necessarily as none of the families particularly struggle. The one year I spent around £50 on each child, dropped presents off on Christmas Eve - including their girlfriends children - and my son received a totally age inappropriate figurine about 4 months after Christmas - unwrapped.

Their partners families don't bother with my niece and nephews, and exclude them from all family gatherings - yet we had made a conscious effort to include.

I don't know what the answer is in your situation - perhaps a similar announcement, and focus on your own little ones and making a fuss of them, and making them happy.

I know you do do give a gift to receive but I find it quite offensive when I've consistently gone to effort for others, when they make zero for us.

This year Christmas prep has been much less stressful, I'm not worrying about thoughtful gifts for kids I barely know, my own DC will not miss something he has never had, and certainly doesn't go without.

Truly disgusting and childish behaviour by your family. I’d have to call them out and depending on their response go low contact. Your DC’s might not notice the lack of acknowledgment or presents yet but they will notice in time so you need to stand up and protect your kids.

Sounds like you have multiple issues with your sister anyway but that doesn’t excuse excluding children

I never got presents from my step mums family. Can't say I expected to. I had my own grandparents/aunties who bought for me.

Are you a woman, OP? I wonder if they haven't thought through the reality of non-biological (step-) motherhood? Or just step parenting generally. I agree it's crap. I'd state your expectations firmly if you haven't (I see x and y as my kids and hope you will include them) . Do they include your kids in other family stuff?

Neither did I.

However the adults knew not to single kids out. So if they brought sweets for my half-sister and I was around they made it clear she had to share them and vice versa.

I’m a step mum and my mum and brother have bought presents for DSC’s , they are part of the family

I was a ‘step-child’ OP, with us it was slightly different as there was also a biological child (my sibling). Whilst I received a small present for Christmas from my ‘step family’ it would be very obvious my sibling would receive double of that. I know it initially pissed my mother off and she called it out several times with my step parent, but I didn’t mind very much as I knew my parents loved us equally. I guess what I’m trying to say is yes the gesture is great but ultimately you being in your step childrens corner is much more important! It sounds like you’re doing a great job

It depends on whether you think raising it will achieve anything- doesn’t sound like it would with your sister but maybe some other family members might listen. They’re all rude though, they should be getting your stepsons a little gift - even just a chocolate selection box or something small for Christmas. I would consider how much effort you want to make for them all next year given they don’t bother to reciprocate

You sound very invested in your children, which is lovely for you and them. Im just wondering where their dad is in all of this and if he's still very involved? Your family cleary don't view them as your children and therefore not their grandchildren. Could they have been hoping for biological grandchildren, and they view these kids and your relationship (I'm presuming you're both female?) as a barrier to this. Either way their behaviour is crap and I would minimise contact.

Honestly, I would wait until the new year then send a letter to everyone saying that you won't be giving birthday/Christmas gifts this year and will instead focus on your own children. I'd make a point of them being yours.
You could say that the children in your extended family could expect a card.

I know that you don't give to receive - I certainly don't, but there will come a time when your children will notice the disparity. My mum even buys for my nephew on my wife's side whom she has met a handful of times in his 6 years!

Do your family make the assumption that they also receive gifts from their Father’s side?

In my family the step children get a token gift from (step) aunts/uncles, simply because they get gifts from their Mother & Father’s extended families.

You seem like a very good man. Bless you! You are so correct in your thinking!

I think you need to send her an email to say that it’s bad enough that she punished you for no reason, but her hostility towards your kids disguised as apathy is cruel and she should be deeply ashamed of herself. You have realised that no matter how much you love her and her kids, she is always going to treat you with ambivalence at best, so you have decided to stop seeking approval or affection from her that you have never had. Because you know it’s never ever going to come.

Myself and my siblings used to receive presents from my step-dads family and we were all older children 10+.
I think it’s awful what your family are doing, maybe I could understand if they thought you’d not been together long and you wouldn’t last. But it’s been almost 4 years and you’re now married - her boys are now your family so are also a part of theirs!!
How old are your boys? You say all the children are between 5 and 13, are they on the younger side so hopefully a bit young to notice how differently they are treated.

I never got presents from either of my step parents families, and I didn’t expect them.

Well firstly your relationship with your sister just sounds generally toxic even outside of this situation so with her I wouldn't even think too much about it and would probably be going LC with her in any event. Really do you even want her around your partners children?

How old are the children and do they have an involved other parent? Also, do they see your family much, do you take them with you when you visit, do you make the effort to ensure they are around your family much? (And yes I do think with step children it should initially be YOU making the effort to ensure your family spend time with them if you want them to be viewed as family personally).

But anyway.. regarding the main question I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your family isn't obligated to view these children as their nieces or nephews/grandchildren or whatever else. It would be nice sure but I don't think it can be demanded. You cannot MAKE someone care about someone else.

I have step children and I've been with and married to their Dad for longer than you've been with your partner. The only people in my extended family who make much effort with them are my parents, mainly my mum I think my dad just does so to be polite really. They may get a decent present off my mum but then they'll likely just get a selection box from a few other members of my family and none of them treat my step children the same as mine and DHs DC together. I don't have any problem with this and neither does DH. My DSC have a very active mother though so perhaps it would be different if they didn't and I'd taken on that role. In addition my DH rarely ensures that he brings DSC along to family stuff on my side so I don't believe he could then be pissed that they didn't really care that much for his kids or viewed them as family.

There are many variables with this and I don't think it's as clear cut as extended family MUST love and care for and treat exactly the same as family.

And yes like PPs I never receive presents off my step dads Mum (the only member of his family I've actually met). Couldn't care less personally.

There are a lot of different models of blended families, and not all of them would have the extended family of the step parent seeing the step children as an equal part of their family. I wonder whether for some of your family, they haven’t really understood that you see these children as “yours”? Whether they have another involved parent/extended family may be part of the equation too. Maybe something of an announcement is needed.

Having said that, your relationship with your sister sounds difficult. But you have to figure out your priority - do you want to confront her and risk her reaction? Or do you walk on eggshells forever?

It's shit OP, my MIL didn't get my son anything for Christmas as he is adopted all the other grandchildren did lu kill he was too young to notice buy I'll always remember.
Just because they are not biologically related they certainly are no less.

Adopted children are not the same as stepchildren. This is always such a silly comparison imo.

I can understand their position during the early "days" of your relationship, or if their mother was the NRP, but the fact it has been 4 years and you are now married and they live with you, I find their behaviour towards your SDC awful. My family embraced my DSD with open arms and my parents included her when talking about how many GDC's they had. Like you she lived with me and her dad (just me after we divorced), and I would have seriously considered whether to have any relationship at all with my family had they shut DSD out.

YANBU. I have son, daughter and stepdaughter, all in the same age bracket. I'd be horrified if my family left DSD out in this way, but they are not so cruel as to do so.

Exactly. By definition, adopted children are not in contact (well, other than letterbox etc) with biological parents, and are legally and emotionally the children of their adoptive parents. In terms of presents, they won’t be receiving presents from their biological parents. There are lots of models of blended families — some stepparents I know do not, as you clearly do, OP, consider their stepchildren theirs, and their families certainly don’t give presents the way they would if they were biological or adopted children, simply because the children in question have a lot of family already gift-giving. I should add that these are blended families that work well on this model, with these boundaries.