My family ignore my step-children’s existence- even at Christmas - and it’s p*saving me off

[Stones007]

I was going to post this a couple of days ago, but thought I’d wait in case I was wrong / to see if anything had changed. Unfortunately it hasn’t and so I’m asking for advice/ support/ if I’m overreacting.

Apologies that this may be long- I think for advice i get, you’ll need to get some insight into why things perhaps aren’t so straightforward.

My partner & I have been together for almost 4 years now, and she has two boys from previous- and I am their step-parent. They’re very polite, easy going, and play really well with all other children. My partner & I got married last year, but aside from my mum, not a single member of my family/ extended family acknowledge them.

I have a large extended family and between us all, there are 9 children between the ages of 5-13 (including our boys). My partner and I always make a big effort to choose lovely and thoughtful gifts for each child every birthday and every Christmas; we’ve never missed a single one. We sign them off from me, my partner, and our boys.

To this date, the boys have not received so much as a birthday card from any of them, and even this year when we went over and travelled for hours to drop off Christmas presents to to my family, not a single one had got our boys anything. Not even a card.

For some of my family, it’s that they ‘just’ don’t really care/ haven’t really thought about it, but for others i can’t help but feel that it’s out of spite.

For example, my sister has a very strange relationship with me. I love her and always looked up to her. I idolised her as a kid, and I’m always cheering her on and am there for her when she needs. But it feels like she’s always trying to be in competition with me. She ignores every single one of my achievements, makes digs at me whenever she can ‘as a joke’ but yet often copies me. The thing is, I’m not like that, and I love her and would gladly help her with anything. She’s older than me, but on paper, I’ve ‘achieved’ more than her - career, House, salary, relationship etc. (not that I think that is the be-all and end-all of life achievements, not even close, but her passive aggression towards me has gotten so much worse the more successful I’ve become). She has two daughters who I adore. They often come for sleepovers, join us on family days out etc. I know she’s got Christmas presents for her nieces & nephews on her partners side as she always makes an effort for them, but not even a card for our boys. She’ll know I’ve noticed, but when you confront her, even gently, she gets extremely defensive and will cut me out. She’s done this before (she made a ‘joke’ about my weight - I told her it upset me) and I didn’t get to see my nieces for 6 months - she did apologise but I think she’d do it again.

i love and care about all of my nieces, nephews, and little cousins immensely, and I would never stop making an effort with them just because their parents don’t make an effort with ours, but it does hurt. Especially because I think our boys deserve to be cared about. They really are great kids, but even if they weren’t, that’s still not a reason to ignore/ outcast a child is it?

I’m just so confused and going over & over everything in my head. I’ve never argued with my extended family, fallen out with them, etc. so I can’t understand why they seem to be so uncomfortable about my stepchildren? Maybe I’m overthinking.

I know that I’m definitely p*ssed off. Tho as I’ve been writing this, I'm just getting more upset.

So my questions I guess, are;

-Am I right to feel angry & upset about this?
-Should I talk to my family about this? Should I just talk to certain members?
-If I am to talk/ confront, when should I do it? Should I wait until after Christmas period?
-Has anyone else been through similar?

While it would be nice for your step children if your family bought them presents, they aren’t obliged to.

Do they have any sort of a relationship with each other and spend time together, or do you live far apart and just want the presents?

Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair you to expect them to buy two extra present for two boys they hardly know and have only been around 3/4 years.

I would be tempted to call them out on it directly.

Assuming your step-DC receive nothing from them for Christmas, get in touch with them all in the New Year and message, "Hi all, I just want to check what the family position is ahead of next Christmas/birthdays coming up. Are we buying for children or not? Just asking because as you know we send Christmas and birthday presents to your children but my boys don't receive them from any of you. If the presents aren't welcome and you'd prefer only to do presents for immediate family, just let me know and I'll focus on my boys going forward".

My brother has a step son, now 14 whose life he has been in since he was 5. I have bought him a birthday and Christmas present from the very first year that he was dating his now-wife because I’m not an arse and children deserve to have their existence recognised and their birthdays celebrated.

DB and his wife obviously went onto get married and they had one child together now 4). Both children are treated equally in terms of number and cost of gifts and I really think it is completely mean and unnecessary to do anything else

Whether you consider it a silly comparison or not, this person was hurt when an in law excluded their child, so they mentioned it.
Grrrr

I was a step child and I never got, nor expected, anything from any of my step parents' families.

I already got stuff from both my parents' families, if I had got stuff from my step parents' families too I would have got stuff from four families! Where does it stop?

I think you are overreacting, tbh.

Why do you keep putting yourself and your family through this?
You're flogging a dead horse and you're making your stepchildren watch.

I don't care if the kids also recieve gifts from their father's side (and not all step kids do). The issue isn't whether the quantity of gifts they recieve is sufficient. The issue is that these children are now a part of your life and hence a part of your family. It is absolutely awful behaviour to make them feel unwelcome and not as important as other children because they're not yours biologically.

YADNBU OP and I'd make an issue of it. I'm not sure I'd bother with regards to your sister as quite frankly she sounds awful and would probably just make a drama out of the whole thing but to other family members who you wish to maintain good relations with I'd definitely bring it up.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds unkind on the part of your family. And your sister sounds toxic.

If they were to do no gifts for anyone thats fine, but to exclude people is unfair.

In our family, one couple don't do presents for anyone at Christmas. That's fine, we all know that. However, we still give presents at Christmas to the children. We also give presents to step children, who have been in the family for over a decade.

I just couldn't exclude someone for not being the right degree of blood relationships, particularly when they're relatively young children.

Stepmum here.

I think it depends on if they see the DSC often enough really. Some of my family see my DSC more frequently than others so they've had a chance to build a bit of a relationship. If you had known them from a young age its different to a 10 year old etc. Step families are all about nuances I think.

My DSC would be uncomfortable if my whole family "treated them like their own". It would feel forced. As my DH has limited time with them then that time is often spent prioritising a relationship with his parents rather than mine.

My children get small gifts from my partner’s mum and one of his brother’s and my partner’s children get larger gifts if we see them over Christmas, and I think they’re being kind and generous. My children have their own grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. who buy them larger presents. Your family clearly see the kids as your partner’s and her ex’s children, and that is an accurate reflection of who they are. It would be nice if they could be friendly towards them - that’s good manners apart from anything else. I wouldn’t be expecting my mum or sister to post gifts to my partner’s kids. They don’t really know them.

And they have every right to be upset about it but unless OP comes back and says they have adopted their stepchildren it's not relevant here.

Adopted children and stepchildren are not the same.

I have son, daughter and stepdaughter, all in the same age bracket. I'd be horrified if my family left DSD out in this way

To be fair, this is different, though - the OP and his wife don’t have kids of their own. So his family aren’t buying for one set of kids and not another, they’re just not buying gifts.

I agree that it would be nice if they sent a token gift at Christmas when the OP dropped off gifts for nieces/nephews etc, but it’s not “leaving them out” in that sense.

Some of your family just won’t see these children as their family. That’s because in the majority of cases, if you divorced, you wouldn’t see these boys again. I know there’s even an example on here of an ex stepchild after divorce living with the poster - but it’s not the norm. The norm is for contact to end or drift away. You don’t say your gender, but I’d say especially if you are a man. And divorce is far from unusual. So although I would personally gift to your children the same way I would if you had a biological child, I understand the family members who don’t view these boys as family.

They may also have the view that your stepchildren are receiving gifts from elsewhere.

I think that’s fine - as long as it’s not a blatant present opening circle where her boys have to sit watching other children opening things. But it doesn’t sound like that.

Your sister is just a whole other post, and I think it doesn’t help to mix the topics.

My DS has been dating a lovely lady who has 2 sons. The relationship is not advanced enough for me to meet them but I very much hope that they will become part of our family and look forward to being able to buy them gifts etc. If for no other reason than my love for my DS. To reject the people he care for is, in my opinion, to reject him.

My view has been coloured by my DM who never totally accepts anyone who is not genetically related to her. Including my DH of 30 plus years. Since I was old enough to be aware of this have found it horrible and embarassing.

I’d also consider this - would your PIL buy for your sister’s child?

I wonder if you’d say - of course not, they’re not really related. They quite possibly haven’t even met.

I think the same thing is going on there. In that, we don’t have firm definitions around what is family, with all the blending. So we have to make up our own, and with that comes misalignment.

First year my ex husband has re-married, I deliberated over whether I should buy a Xmas present for his stepdaughter! Not really in the context of “my ex’s stepdaughter” but “my daughter’s stepsister”. (I did) There are no rules for it.

If a family member sees a stepchild as your child, then that makes them an aunt, grandparent, whatever… but if they don’t see them as your child, then the relationship becomes more like the one I deserve between your PIL and your sister’s child. That is to say - tenuous!

Some of your family just won’t see these children as their family. That’s because in the majority of cases, if you divorced, you wouldn’t see these boys again.

This. I'd find it very hard to treat step children the same as our biological family.

OP, how many dc do you have? You said there’s 7 dc in your wider family and I’m guessing that includes nieces and nephews. That’s already a lot of dc so maybe your family cannot afford presents for additional dc that they’re not related to. It would be very different if these step dc were also your bio dc’s half siblings.

Your step dc will receive presents from their mum and dad’s family so they aren’t missing out. Are your dc receiving presents from their step mum’s family?

Ok, similar boat to yourself although i’m about 12 years into having a couple of step kids.

They aren’t really step kids now, they are my daughters, end of story. I just wasn’t the sperm doner.

It sounds like you are conflating two issues..

The relationship with your sister, sounds toxic and personally i’d just accept she is who she is and forget about sharing whatever achievements you make in life, she is in competition with you and it will only go downhill.

As far as gift giving is concerned…. it’s a bit late now. But…..

I was a step kid myself, the greatest thing and memory from my childhood, was my “step” grandfather, making a huge fuss over me, and standing up and saying i was one of the family. I think it did cause a few issues with aunts and uncles, but he made it clear i was part of his family. So, possibly, maybe have a quiet word with him or you mum at some point, and ask them them make it clear to the family and to be included. You can share quietly with them how awkward it was last year and that they were very clearly left out. It doesn’t have to be an argument or a speech, just that they come out with something to them, like “love having you in our family now” and set the standard for them to be included. Hell, as it’s such short notice, might be worth you getting a couple extra presents on behalf of thr GP’s and giving them to them, to give to the kids.

Best of luck!

You sound like a great dad.

You children are your children, I couldn't imagine ignoring a step child of a family member. We've had one or two step children come in and out of our family over the years, and have always involved them.

I thinks it mean and nasty. I'm a stepmum and my Mum buys DSS presents.

She collects him from school, takes him swimming, the zoo etc. He's part of our family

Are you both female? Is this a homophibia thing?

*homophobia

You can’t force other people to take on family that isn’t theirs. And I’m saying that as someone with a step grandchild who is very very much a part of and fantastic addition to our family. I couldn’t do it even if we weren’t close, but some people just don’t feel this.

I lived primarily with my DM and DS-F (and only visited/had visits from my father during school holidays and for my birthday). He remarried, I don't recall even seeing my step=mother's family let alone receive gifts from them. I was however totally absorbed into the family of DS-F and not treated any differently to their non-step relatives. I still get Christmas Cards from step-uncles to this day.

We always buy Christmas and birthday presents for my brothers stepchildren, they’re part of the family. I’d feel terrible not getting them anything. My parents buy for them too.