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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a quick bit of helo re Christmas dilemma!!!

69 replies

Inthebleakmidwinters · 23/12/2022 09:47

So we have guests coming for Christmas most due tomorrow , apart from dd 1 who we have not seen for months . Plan was quiet time with her , take for lunch etc .

Last night we got a call when at a party from dd2 who is bringing bf , to say she is coming this eve At dinnertime not tomorrow lunch.

I was taken aback as felt awful as I knew it would affect plans a little and the fact she just annonced a change ( has been busy)

aibu . To say sorry it wont work for us . We want time with dd1 as not seen for ages . This is unlikely to go down well as she regards this her home thou has own place .
risk of upset.
or just say ok .
dd1 says she was look forward quiet time with us , but dd2 isnt aware of that it was just a plan informally made that. Worked out well.

Christmas does intensity things .

OP posts:
Zonder · 23/12/2022 09:49

They're sisters. Can't they both be there together? Can't dd2 stay with bf while you take dd1 out? Do you have quiet time with dd2 planned? Seems a bit odd to me - you're all family but I guess everyone has different dynamics.

WaddleAway · 23/12/2022 09:49

I do think it’s a bit off to tell one daughter that you don’t want her to come early because you want to spend that time alone with the other daughter… surely that will be upsetting for her?

KrisAkabusi · 23/12/2022 09:50

Maybe she wants to spend time with her sister as well. You're being ridiculous.

BeBesideTheSea · 23/12/2022 09:51

“How lovely! We are taking DD1 out to lunch for a catch up as we haven’t seen her for so long, so you and BF will have to entertain yourselves for a few hours”

ElegantlyTouched · 23/12/2022 09:52

I dunno. Is dd2 overbearing so that her being there means dd1 being pushed aside? In that case I can definitely see why you'd want time alone with her.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 23/12/2022 09:52

It does sound a bit off to tell one daughter she can't come because you want to be alone with the other daughter? Couldn't DD2 just stay home with her boyfriend while you take DD1 for lunch rather than telling her she can't come early at all?

Original poster
Inthebleakmidwinters · 23/12/2022 09:53

They will see each other until new year eve tho .

OP posts:
Original poster
Inthebleakmidwinters · 23/12/2022 09:55

We see dd2 most weeks and we have not seen dd1 for 6 months and wanted pamper her a bit . Thats all.
dd1 does not know sisters bf and it does change things .

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 23/12/2022 09:55

Inthebleakmidwinters · 23/12/2022 09:53

They will see each other until new year eve tho .

Then so you will you too surely?

Seems very strange, I feel sorry for your other dd

MichelleScarn · 23/12/2022 09:56

When did you last see either of them, and why haven't you seen dd1 for so long. If u was dd2 I would be incredibly hurt and offended I was not welcome for this reason. Is dd1 your favourite?

TidyDancer · 23/12/2022 09:56

Is there a backstory here that you haven't mentioned? I don't think anything you've said so far would justify you saying no imo.

wast542 · 23/12/2022 09:57

Wtf. You can't say that. She will be so upset and probably really excited to get home for Xmas

WouldJudasLeaveIt · 23/12/2022 09:59

I kind of see where you're coming from maybe not wanting the boyfriend there too, but you can't tell your other daughter you want to just spend time with your first! Surely 😬

MichelleScarn · 23/12/2022 09:59

Cross Post with my last. So dd1 hasn't been home in 6 months. Does she live abroad? Has this 'pamper time' and issues re not knowing the bf come from her?
MN seems full this year with threads of siblings wanting to dictate their db/ds attendance and guests at parents home if so!

givethistokevin · 23/12/2022 10:00

No that's totally weird. You don't need to outbound DD out of the way bc you haven't seen the other for a while. You are supposed to be a family, just enjoy all being together!

poefaced · 23/12/2022 10:01

DD2 has her own place so she shouldn’t spring herself on you with such short notice.

I’m confused on timings though. When are guests coming, when is DD1 coming and when is DD2 coming?

If DD2 is coming this evening can you take DD1 to lunch this afternoon?

Y7drama · 23/12/2022 10:04

BeBesideTheSea · 23/12/2022 09:51

“How lovely! We are taking DD1 out to lunch for a catch up as we haven’t seen her for so long, so you and BF will have to entertain yourselves for a few hours”

I think you need to do this. You can’t let your other dd feel she’s unwanted. A breezy, lovely will look forward to seeing you after lunch would be fine.

MichelleScarn · 23/12/2022 10:04

I got confused and ended up on your other thread re same issue. So you dd1 and dh have already discussed and nobody wants dd2 there early?
That's harsh. Poor girl. If she does come are you all likely to make it clear she's unwanted 'early'?

pizzaHeart · 23/12/2022 10:05

I think you can’t say to DD2 that she can’t come - it’s very hurtful but you can leave her at home with BF and go somewhere with DD1 if it’s planned already.
I would say that you want to catch a bit with DD1 and obviously it won’t be possible with BF present.

Awrite · 23/12/2022 10:06

Agree with consensus - you can't stop dd2 from coming because you want to pamper dd1.

It reads a bit like you encourage a divide between them. Not great parenting.

Bywayofanupdate · 23/12/2022 10:07

There's no way I'd be telling one of my children they can't come home, any time of year, but especially at Christmas. You can still take dd1 out for lunch

dylanthedragon · 23/12/2022 10:07

I think you are setting everyone up for a terrible Christmas if you tell DD2 not to come so you can spend time with DD1. I imagine DD2 would be very hurt and perhaps decide not to come at all.

DD2 is planning on arriving what, 14 hours or so early. Like others have said, if you have things booked with DD1, tell her she will need to entertain herself and BF for a few hours. It doesn't need to be a big deal as long as you don't make it one.

Could the expected travel chaos be part of the reason she wants to travel early?

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/12/2022 10:08

Very odd that you don't want your daughters together in your house.

Is there a drip feed coming.

poefaced · 23/12/2022 10:08

DD2 is rude to invite herself and her boyfriend for dinner at such short notice.

What if OP and her DH were planning a beans on toast night?

pizzaHeart · 23/12/2022 10:08

By the way I wouldn’t say “pampering” because surely your other daughter deserves pampering as well, I agree that it sounds very divisive.

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