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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of DH?

64 replies

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:15

There are so many things I could write about here.

One of my main gripes at the moment is job hunting. I have a previous thread about me trying to find a job. It's proving very difficult as I have no help from DH with childcare. His job will always be superior to whatever job I have so all the childcare falls to me. DH can't or won't be flexible with his work or hours which severely limits my job options and also mean once I do find a job, I'll be solely responsible to sort out school drop offs, pick ups, holiday cover and sickness which will likely make me an unreliable employee.

Even jobs in schools finish half an hour later than my DS finishes school and there's only one child minder in the area that does drop offs and pick ups from his school who may well be fully booked anyway.

Tonight DH left DS (4) in the shower by himself, came downstairs and started to put a wash in the washing machine.

I'm at home with DS as it's the Christmas Holidays. DH is at work. I've got the lurgy and feel awful. I'm now behind on getting things ready for Christmas. I have some wrapping still to do a a dairy bit of washing and housework. I need to write 11k words for Uni by 3rd January. I'm also applying for jobs. I just feel stressed and alone with it all.

I don't know. There's so much more I could say but I don't where to start or how to articulate it.

AIBU to feel like DH is at fault here?

OP posts:

Iceyiceybaby · 22/12/2022 19:20

Could he reasonably change his working hours?

Is your child ok in the shower on their own for what was presumably a short time?

Have you tried talking with DH?

KentishMama · 22/12/2022 19:23

I think a bit of back story might help here. Why is DH's job considered more important? How did you both come to that decision? What did you both decide around childcare before starting a family together?

tickticksnooze · 22/12/2022 19:26

But his "superior" job is only just covering the family's expenses.

You were going to look into the possibility of cleaning work in the evenings? Did you get anywhere with that?

He does sound like a bit of a misogynistic waste of space tbh. What is the point of him?

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:26

DH thinks DS was fine. I didn't think so. He's four. Stood up in the shower. It's slippery. For a few seconds perhaps but not all the way downstairs.

OP posts:

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:28

KentishMama · 22/12/2022 19:23

It's more important because he earns more and no matter what job I have, he will always bring in more. What we decided was a long time ago and things change. We never had a concrete plan but hoped I could stay home as long as possible but with rising costs its just not possible.

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 22/12/2022 19:32

Oh no I thought you got a job on your previous thread? Yes your dh is being a total pig but I’m not sure what your options are if you want to stay, he doesn’t seem willing to compromise on anything

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:33

tickticksnooze · 22/12/2022 19:26

But his "superior" job is only just covering the family's expenses.

You were going to look into the possibility of cleaning work in the evenings? Did you get anywhere with that?

He does sound like a bit of a misogynistic waste of space tbh. What is the point of him?

I got a job as a care assistant working nights but DH didn't want me to do it. He did make some.valid points why it wasnt a good idea but he also wants me to work in the day preferably at a school so I can do all the childcare. Or a day time job that pays enough to pay for childcare that I'll have to arrange and organise.

I asked him what I was supposed to do if I worked in a school that finished half an hour later than DS school (DS school has no after school club and only 1 local childminder that covers his school) and DH said "just move DS to whatever school you get a job in". Despite the fact DS is happy at his school, its a brilliant school, and with DS' suspected autism I don't think a move would be good for him or even simple to execute.

OP posts:

tickticksnooze · 22/12/2022 19:33

So he's a controlling bully?

theremustonlybeone · 22/12/2022 19:34

oh so your DH defines himself with what he earns so your immediately a menial...so should suck up all the extra stuff as you cant compete financially.

That is a very sad attitude and more sad that you think he will always be the main earner ? why? My DH had this attitude due to his chosen profession however i now earn the same as him..

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 19:35

Is he a high earner or does he just have a high opinion because he's the only earner?

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:36

theremustonlybeone · 22/12/2022 19:34

oh so your DH defines himself with what he earns so your immediately a menial...so should suck up all the extra stuff as you cant compete financially.

That is a very sad attitude and more sad that you think he will always be the main earner ? why? My DH had this attitude due to his chosen profession however i now earn the same as him..

Well, I do hope one day I can beat him and earn more! But it's certainly a long way off. Really by MN standards DH doesn't even earn that much. But works plenty bloody hours.

OP posts:

ThePoetsWife · 22/12/2022 19:36

Sounds like a controlling misogynist. Remember that your DC will be modelling future relationships on yours.

KentishMama · 22/12/2022 19:37

You need to sit down with DH to really, really talk.

If you both agree that the situation has changed, and that you need a second income, then he needs to agree to redistribute parenting and house work related responsibilities to (closer to) 50:50. Without that, there's little chance you can land and keep a job that makes enough difference to your family income.

Try to have a factual conversation, focus on practicalities. Maybe that's the way through to him?

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:40

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 19:35

Is he a high earner or does he just have a high opinion because he's the only earner?

He's the higher earner and the only earner if you don't count my 9k student maintenance loan.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/12/2022 19:41

Yes your DH is shit (I'm assuming he works in an office that is fairly flexible and not something like teaching where its impossible to leave early to do pick ups).

My husband has at points recently earned 2.5x my salary and still takes his share of emergency holiday for childcare, does more than his share of pick ups and drop offs, drs appointments, school stuff etc. etc because if you both work similar hours then money has got nothing to do with how much duty you have to parent your own children.

Is there a local college or anything where you could ask a student to pick up your son after school and do his homework with him until you get home? An after school nanny service? Any other working mums that you could contact through school websites etc that you could swap childcare days with? Any work from home such as copywriting or something similar where you can choose your hours as long as the work is done (and then catch up in the evenings)

Mamette · 22/12/2022 19:47

Prioritise your course work for now. Your qualifications will be your ticket out of this control eventually.

GoldenCagedBird · 22/12/2022 19:48

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:40

He's the higher earner and the only earner if you don't count my 9k student maintenance loan.

Show quote history

I hope your uni course will lead to decent employment because you absolutely cannot be the lower earner or a SAHM to man like this.

Financially disparity only works if the man is generous, an equal partner and cherishes you.

He is treating you with complete contempt. Everything is your job because he doesn’t value unpaid work.

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:48

He does my head in. He's cooking dinner and sorting washing because I'm sick but he's huffing whilst he's doing it. He also made me some kind of blackcurrant lemsip with rum and honey and I couldn't drink all of it. It's disgusting and was making me feel like I was going to vomit and all he says is "Don't know why I bother, just trying to make you feel better." He probably doesn't care, just wants me better by tomorrow so I can finish the housework ready for Christmas

OP posts:

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:51

GoldenCagedBird · 22/12/2022 19:48

I hope your uni course will lead to decent employment because you absolutely cannot be the lower earner or a SAHM to man like this.

Financially disparity only works if the man is generous, an equal partner and cherishes you.

He is treating you with complete contempt. Everything is your job because he doesn’t value unpaid work.

Show quote history

Sometimes he can be wonderful. Really, he has good points. But it's clear he doesn't value my contributions and sees them as inferior to his contributions. Every time we argue he makes reference to it. Or the occasional joke which isn't really a joke about him paying all the bills and mortage etc. Makes me really angry. Especially as it was my parents (inheritance) who gifted us 30k for our mortgage deposit.

OP posts:

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 22/12/2022 19:51

Everyone time I read one of these threads I think, why do you value yourself and your needs so little?

I know in reality things are never that straightforward but… Don’t you value yourself? Don’t you think you deserve more?

tickticksnooze · 22/12/2022 19:53

Op, even murderers have good points.

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:56

Something else that irritates me is that on Christmas Eve DS has a christingle service at church, his school are involved and church is connected to the school. Dh refusing to come because he's a non believer. So am I. But DS is excited. They're oing their Oranges in the school hall with class mates before before service. Its a nice christmassy thing to do. Buy DH still refusing to come. Also only begrudgingly attended DS' Nativity. Was supposed to have the afternoon off for it but failed to mention it at work until the day of, despite knowing over a month im advance and then had to rush out of work and rush straight back again

OP posts:

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:57

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 22/12/2022 19:51

Everyone time I read one of these threads I think, why do you value yourself and your needs so little?

I know in reality things are never that straightforward but… Don’t you value yourself? Don’t you think you deserve more?

I do value myself. But I'm stuck. I've no where to go and have to put my DS first.

OP posts:

Notyetacatlady · 22/12/2022 19:58

This is not love. This is not a healthy relationship. This is not normal. It doesn’t have to be this way. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Your child does not deserve this as a role model and their future expectations.
Abusers are lovely and nice sometimes that’s how it works. Look up the cycle of abuse. If they didn’t pull you back in you would have left long before this post.
You can leave. There are ways to do so.
Life is too short for this. Don’t look back with regret that you stayed too long. This is your one and only life.

Original poster

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:58

Ah, can tell I'm ill. My typos tonight are awful!

OP posts:

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