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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have had enough of DH?

64 replies

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:15

There are so many things I could write about here.

One of my main gripes at the moment is job hunting. I have a previous thread about me trying to find a job. It's proving very difficult as I have no help from DH with childcare. His job will always be superior to whatever job I have so all the childcare falls to me. DH can't or won't be flexible with his work or hours which severely limits my job options and also mean once I do find a job, I'll be solely responsible to sort out school drop offs, pick ups, holiday cover and sickness which will likely make me an unreliable employee.

Even jobs in schools finish half an hour later than my DS finishes school and there's only one child minder in the area that does drop offs and pick ups from his school who may well be fully booked anyway.

Tonight DH left DS (4) in the shower by himself, came downstairs and started to put a wash in the washing machine.

I'm at home with DS as it's the Christmas Holidays. DH is at work. I've got the lurgy and feel awful. I'm now behind on getting things ready for Christmas. I have some wrapping still to do a a dairy bit of washing and housework. I need to write 11k words for Uni by 3rd January. I'm also applying for jobs. I just feel stressed and alone with it all.

I don't know. There's so much more I could say but I don't where to start or how to articulate it.

AIBU to feel like DH is at fault here?

OP posts:
Whatstherecipe · 22/12/2022 19:58

On a pragmatic note, can you message your tutor and ask for an extension for the assignment?

EmergentThoughts · 22/12/2022 19:59

Op, I'm the higher earner in my marriage, my wife (we are both women) is a uni student and can only get occasional work, but she also supports family life which enables me to work full time. I see her as my equal partner, and would never say otherwise, not as a joke, not in an argument, never.

Your contributions to family life are equally as valuable as a wage. But if your husband doesn't see it that way, you need to prioritise getting a job, above all else.

Original poster
anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:00

Whatstherecipe · 22/12/2022 19:58

On a pragmatic note, can you message your tutor and ask for an extension for the assignment?

It's 3 separate assignments. 2 are 4k words each and the 3rd assignment 3k. But you're only allowed 2 extensions a year and I have another semester still! If necessary I might get an extension on one of them just to ease the pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster
anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:03

I can't leave because I can't afford to. My only option would be to move back with my parent who, although adores me and DS, is a narcisstic alcoholic who can be very volatile and controlling. My choice feels like DH or parent and both aren't great options but DH feels the lesser of the two evils.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 22/12/2022 20:03

This sounds utterly shit. What are you hoping for out of this thread OP? You previously posted about your DH and work predicament and most people agreed that you had a DH problem not an unemployment problem. You were also excited about your job offer. Have you now turned it down?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your DH is shit, you know this already. Surely getting a job and divorcing him - yes, with a ND son - is better than living like this for the next 5 years until you then crack and divorce him anyway? He’s not going to change so the only alternative as I see it is to suck it up and make the most of your marriage as it is.

emptythelitterbox · 22/12/2022 20:04

Sorry you're unwell and stressed out without any help. Flowers
What are you studying?

Mumsanetta · 22/12/2022 20:04

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:03

I can't leave because I can't afford to. My only option would be to move back with my parent who, although adores me and DS, is a narcisstic alcoholic who can be very volatile and controlling. My choice feels like DH or parent and both aren't great options but DH feels the lesser of the two evils.

Have you spoken to Womens Aid?

Original poster
anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:05

Mumsanetta · 22/12/2022 20:03

This sounds utterly shit. What are you hoping for out of this thread OP? You previously posted about your DH and work predicament and most people agreed that you had a DH problem not an unemployment problem. You were also excited about your job offer. Have you now turned it down?

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your DH is shit, you know this already. Surely getting a job and divorcing him - yes, with a ND son - is better than living like this for the next 5 years until you then crack and divorce him anyway? He’s not going to change so the only alternative as I see it is to suck it up and make the most of your marriage as it is.

But how do I actually do that practically when I don't have a penny to my name?

OP posts:
OngoingCrisis · 22/12/2022 20:05

Can you apply for extenuating circumstances at uni?

Original poster
anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:05

Mumsanetta · 22/12/2022 20:04

Have you spoken to Womens Aid?

Show quote history

Why? I'm not being abused.

OP posts:
Computersaysno123 · 22/12/2022 20:06

I'm probably being thick but I don't get the shower problem? 🤔

Lemonlady22 · 22/12/2022 20:07

My husband was like this, his job digging holes was far superior than my job nursing in ITU🙄

sandwichesarelife · 22/12/2022 20:10

I mean he sound like a twat do you need to stay with him?

gamerchick · 22/12/2022 20:13

anerki101 · 22/12/2022 19:33

I got a job as a care assistant working nights but DH didn't want me to do it. He did make some.valid points why it wasnt a good idea but he also wants me to work in the day preferably at a school so I can do all the childcare. Or a day time job that pays enough to pay for childcare that I'll have to arrange and organise.

I asked him what I was supposed to do if I worked in a school that finished half an hour later than DS school (DS school has no after school club and only 1 local childminder that covers his school) and DH said "just move DS to whatever school you get a job in". Despite the fact DS is happy at his school, its a brilliant school, and with DS' suspected autism I don't think a move would be good for him or even simple to execute.

Show quote history

Seriously OP tell him to fuck right off. Days are out and believe me you'll be glad of that as the bairn gets older. Mines autistic and you need to be around during the day for all the shit that goes with it. It's much much easier to work when dad is home to do the childcare.

This is what you offer and if he doesn't take it the deals off and he can suck it up or piss off and pay maintenance.

Can't STAND men like that. Fucker.

Mumsanetta · 22/12/2022 20:15

@anerki101 Divorcing him does not necessarily mean that you have to leave the house. A good start would be to see a solicitor who can tell you what you might be entitled to if you divorce. Getting a job will also mean you won’t be so reliant on him.

Sorry about the WomensAid reference, I got you confused with another poster who’s husband was financially abusive.

tickticksnooze · 22/12/2022 20:17

Cant afford to leave based on doing a budget or based on "can't imagine it"?

Why are your only housing options living with a coercive controller or an alcoholic abuser?

Most of your "I can't do x" are really "I don't want to". Which is your choice but you need to own that you are making choices to live like this. Recognising you are making choices is how you find ways to change difficult situations.

And coercive control is abuse. Complex PTSD (such as that caused by having an abusive parent like you did) also mimics autism.

Original poster
anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:25

Computersaysno123 · 22/12/2022 20:06

I'm probably being thick but I don't get the shower problem? 🤔

Maybe that's just me then. But I wouldn't leave DS alone in the shower and go down stairs. I don't think it's safe. But then, I also knew a lad who slipped getting out the bath and died so perhaps that skews my vision a bit.

OP posts:
Computersaysno123 · 22/12/2022 20:27

Oh ok, sorry I actually thought you missed a bit. I don't think you're unreasonable but I would let my 4 year old be in a shower for a few mins, not a bath. I thought it sounded good that he was doing washing and showering the child too, so not being lazy 😂

WhatAreYouOnAbout · 22/12/2022 20:34

He sounds like someone who need to start paying respect to get big rewards.

Gruffalo101 · 22/12/2022 20:39

I'm single... this is why. Would not ever allow myself to be the chattel of a man. Some might be OK but god it makes me rage at the thought of having someone else be in charge of me and my life. I know marriage is supposed to be give and take but from the sidelines it's often men who overplay their importance in employment. My ex partner was a teacher and EVERYTHING he did at work was harder, more stressful and more demanding than my job as a nurse.

Never ever ever relinquish your power wholly to anyone the option to abuse their position is always there and to some degree or other inevitably used.

userh79 · 22/12/2022 20:42

How much does he earn? If he defines his worth by it so much I'm intrigued as to what this figure is. Maybe then we can suggest career paths that could match that to prove a point to you?

Original poster
anerki101 · 22/12/2022 20:46

userh79 · 22/12/2022 20:42

How much does he earn? If he defines his worth by it so much I'm intrigued as to what this figure is. Maybe then we can suggest career paths that could match that to prove a point to you?

32

OP posts:
TheHateIsNotGood · 22/12/2022 20:51

You'll feel better when you get your assignments done. Do the minimum household chores, besides keeping ds 'xmas happy', and focus on getting your assignments done; casting aside all your negative thoughts about dh aside.

Your degree/uni course is the road to independence (if you really want that) and so just do it. No extensions, doesn't have to be your greatest academic work ever. Just get them done.

Rainbowpurple · 22/12/2022 20:51

OP you need to start with something - talk to solicitor and find out what you are entitled to. Make a long term plan that works for you. One day at a time, you can do it!

bonzaitree · 22/12/2022 20:52

Ok so he earns around average salary for the UK and probably below average for a man in full time work his age.

He is very far from being a high earner, yet he lords of over you like he is king. Lol.

if I were you I’d ignore him and stay sane until I got my degree, get a job, get your own place then end it. You’re likely to get a reasonable divorce settlement and most importantly you’ll be in charge of your own future. He’ll have to stump up for childcare.