Does anyone else not have any friends?

[Hazless]

Aibu or is it bloody hard to make friends as an adult?

I had friends from 10 years ago and had a good little group. One moved to a different country, one moved an hour away and the other about 4 hours away. I meet the one an hour away once every couple of months and we do text daily.

my work is remote and it’s very hard to find my “gang” I’ve been there a year but I feel like I don’t fit in still. It’s very hard to establish relationships.

uni friends live miles away we meet up once a year.

I work out at home (got equipment here) so don’t go to a gym etc.

I’ve got a few school mum friends but again it’s hard to establish a gang!

nct friends… I found it v hard to keep this up as after a year I returned to work full time where as they were all part time and met up lots. We meet up 2x year

I tried volunteering but It was busy work and v hard to establish friendships and chat Outside of the actual work.

I just can’t seem to find my gang.

I work full time with three kids, I just feel I don’t have enough time for me and for relaxing. I’m always on the run!

anyone fixed a problem like this?

Oh and I also have made a couple of very good friend via church, I tend to sort of pick up friends as I go through life from different places, but for me it’s definitely quality not quantity!

I think we socialise less as we age and friendship (true friendshiip) becomes rarer.
This happens for a number of reasons. Family and work taking up a majority of time means little time available for fostering friendahip. For a lot of people a partner/spouse becomes the dominant interaction in life especially where children are concerned. The friendships made during our teens/early.twenties face because of lack of contact coupled with life attitudes and styles diverging. We also become more choosy (and guarded) making new acquaintances as life makes us less niaive about people's character. Also when we age and we face trouble often friendships are treated and you realise that such things as financial hardship aren't solved simply through having friends.

This is uncalled for. Doesn’t help and is quite mean.
i hope the op is in a loving relationship that has been built by two people who value each other.
I was in a v abusive relationship and didn’t know it until he (thankfully) walked out. A lot of my friends disappeared while I was just trying to survive. Maybe they like you assumed I’d ditched them for my husband.

Op you do have friends. Yabu because you are exaggerating.

I think it’s so lovely that people are reaching out to each other on here and maybe some lovely random friendships will be formed.

I am not British by birth, and I didn't go to school or uni here.I have moved around a lot across the world. No family in this country. DC grown so no schoolgate friendships. I WFH ( trying to change that but it is hard).

So yes, all that means I have very few friends, and the ones I had have emigrated or moved or just become recluses. I keep trying though, even though I am nearly 51. I join Meeetup clubs, volunteer, go out of my way to invite people. Some stick, some don't. I don't really like social media friendships.

I have embraced a certain amount of loneliness now, as I think it is only going to get harder tbh. I think friendships are very hard and drift if you don't have a reason to meet daily; school, university, work, school gates.... Remove those and people don't seem interested. I have learnt to enjoy my own company - all those moves helped- and do a lot of stuff alone , or with DH.

My two friends live in the same town but we don't see each other and barely text or phone...this started in lockdown and has got worse to the point I've given up,there is only so many times a person can invite another and not get anywhere before thinking fuck this!
I'm sad and I wouldn't say lonely because my partner and I are very close and literally do everything together but that worries me also because I'm so dependent on him now.
I have two kids and pets and my life is busy with them and work(I am self employed so no work mates)
I long for friendly texts to check in with each others day and the odd cafe lunch or night in with wine and a gossip.
I hope things change but I can't see it because if not through work or kids how else do you make friends in your 40s?
I'm near skipton

I hope things change but I can't see it because if not through work or kids how else do you make friends in your 40s?

Meetup groups. They are a lifesaver for me. I wouldn't call the people I meet my friends exactly, but they are certainly company. I belong to a book group, a walking group and a writers' group.

Making close friends is harder as you get older but I find I talk to way more people now than I ever did. Mainly through parents at the school, neighbours and I help out in my kids sports clubs.
Are there any walking groups in your area? They are a great way to meet people because you meet a couple of times a week for a walk and the conversation flows. Don't know about UK but in Ireland we have a website called get Ireland walking where you can search for local walking groups there may be something similar in your area

I find friendships ebb and flow and to be honest I don’t work at them as hard as I should so I am partly to blame. I mainly enjoy just talking to people and having the banter and camaraderie that goes along with that. So for me that’s good enough but I can see you’re not even getting that because of remote working.

if you have the time I’d actively try and join something that would allow you to access people. The obvious would be a hobby, an activity or volunteering. Working with children gives me absolute joy so I’ve realised that kids and animals are my thing. That fills my happy battery so that’s the work I go towards.

"I’ve never found people on my wavelength."

I think you need to unpack this as the answer could be in there.

Other than that, are there any hobby social groups you could join in the new year? Have you considered setting one up?

I ran a dining club for a while, where like minded people took turns hosting dinner parties, it was great fun (but expensive). I also used to attend a lot of wine tastings as it was a great way to meet people, who like drinking and eating. I regularly give dinner parties although I'd now been reduced to cooking spaghetti and providing inexpensive wine.

Think of what you'd enjoy doing with friends... be it going for long walks, watching movies together, meeting for coffee mornings...

I don't have many friends. I have a best friend who I chat with regularly and see fairly often. I have work friends who I occasionally socialise with outside of work but I'm quite a solitary person who enjoys my own company and just being at home with DH and our children. In a way I sometimes keep people at arms length because I don't want to feel obliged to be sociable all the time. It is a lot harder to make friends as an adult. Do you have any hobbies so you could join a group with like minded people.

I miss work lunches so much. Sigh. It's so dull WFH.

Also, I think those posters who say that they are happy with the company of their children, there will come a time when your DC are no longer happy to hang out with you! And your Dh may be swamped with work, or have left, or died. That's why I keep plugging away.

A woman I met at a larger social group messaged me asking to meet for a coffee separately, as we have a lot in common ( from the same country etc). I think that was quite brave of her, and we plan to meet. I do think you have to be forward and put yourself out there.

Op I think it's just your age and circumstances. I'm in my 40's with kids and a job and I don't know any women my age with 'gang' of mate like you describe. Life is just to hectic. I have lots of different sorts of friends and make an effort to invite them all to different things e.g book group, meals out, going for afternoon tea, taking the kids out, meeting for a walk depending on which group they fall into (single, busy with kids, part a couple etc). I would say some of those friends are really good friends but we don't pop round each others houses in the evenings for coffees or wine, we are busy with the kids or catching up on work.

It sounds very much like you have friends and have no problem with relationships, I am sure you are lovely. It's just that you are experiencing social isolation through your job, the age of your peers and having moved to an area with less community spirit. I would advice searching out clubs /groups to join and slowly make acquaintances that way. You will feel less isolated and some of the people may end up being just your sort.

OP, you keep referring to wanting a ‘gang’, and it sounds as if you think of friends as some kind of collective thing, rather than as individual people you like and want a relationship with?

That may be part of your problem, if people feel when you meet them that you’re less interested in them as an individual than as a potential entrée to a notional ‘gang’.

The other thing that struck me in one of your posts is that you describe yourself as ‘average in personality’. I often note people saying things like this on threads about struggling with friendships, or saying ‘I’m nice — why don’t I have friends?’ I don’t think it’s accidental that the people saying this don’t have friends. It makes it clear they think of people generically, as generic ‘friendship spaces’, to fill a lack.

In your shoes I would think proactively about what you bring to potential friendships, and what kind of personalities you are attracted to, what kinds of things you would like to do with potential friends.

I’m 50, moved countries recently, hence on the lookout for new friends in my new place. I’ve already met some great people (my son’s friends’ parents), and am inviting people I meet through work or by chance, and neighbours over for dinner (even though we live on a building site — house in mid-renovation), and am going to a social event on Friday that will have lots of people in the arts there and which I think may be a good place to meet potential friends.

I’m in a similar situation but don’t really have anyone. I work from home and there’s loads here as we live in a small market town in Essex. Bumble has no matches for anyone near me and most clubs here are gym clubs but that’s about it.

It sounds like you do have friends! But I get what you mean about having nobody to pop out with.
I don't really have friends. I have work colleagues that I consider friends and we meet up outside of work occasionally. However they all have their 'real' non work friends if that makes sense, which is something that I don't have.
It's not something that had bothered me too much until I got married and then realised I had nobody I could ask to be my bridesmaid as I don't even have sisters etc. My hen party was a small get together with the women in my family! Otherwise, I'm normally happy spending my free time with my family.

I knew someone recently that was so lacking in friends, they attempted to be friends with their GP.
You can imagine how embarrassing that was.

But lots of people are friends with their doctors, surely? Especially if they live in small places. I’ve certainly seen my last two GPs socially (two different countries), though I wouldn’t describe either as a close personal friend. We live near three hospitals now so have a lot of medic neighbours. I go mountain climbing with my gynaecologist.

GPs get that all the time so I don’t think they should be embarrassed.

Doctors see a lot of people who end up at the surgery one way or another just because they’re lonely.

I didn't think you could ask too much personal questions to your GP?
Minimal small talk maybe.

And pointless chit chat could end up meaning the appointments take twice as long.
But yeh I get the lonely thing.

You are similar to me OP. I have a couple of ‘friend acquaintances’ but we don’t have much in common. I really miss my friends from my home country, who were interested in what I was. I miss our funny, interesting, laughter fused times together. Working from home has destroyed me with that lack of contact. I can easily go a week without speaking to anyone but my kids. I’m really, really lonely. There’s no one to talk to about stuff I find interesting, and no one to talk to about how I feel because, well, I’m ashamed.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been killed and there’s just a body carrying on.

If it weren’t for my kids I honestly think I would end my life.

Like you I have a few dotted around the country and abroad. Maybe 7 in total, but not seen any for years.

We have just moved to a new town which we are planning on settling down in. You're right it is bloody hard to make new friends! I've found the best way is through interest groups. I've joined the local theatre group and I'm making good headway in forming some stronger connections locally.

It is harder to make and maintain friendships as you get older.

This year I got friendly with a family in my street (the husband seems to be a bit strange though!) and the wife is nice, she’s joined me for drinks a couple of times and I went to a couple of gigs where the husband is in the band. Basically taking an interest in someone if you like them, feel you may have things in common with them, and actually inviting them out does help. I reconnected with a family friend I’d always liked at a party this year and invited her out to meals as I thought she’d get on with some of my friends, she’d mentioned going on walks before which we did do.

You have to make an effort I find, just
socialising with others who you don’t really get on with and expecting something to grow rarely works, I’ve had this too and it’s backfired on both of us, so now if I don’t feel a click with someone I just won’t pursue it, no matter how nice they are or if they invite me out again.

I think the problem is having time if you have work and young kids. I hear the people talking about joining hobby groups, but my key problem is having time to invest in developing close friendships.

Why do you want a gang? I have never had one or felt the need for one. Am quite happy with a few separate friends dotted around the place.
Imo, the 'finding your tribe' shit that gets trotted out ad nauseum (and often in the case of students) is harmful and unnecessary.