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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else not have any friends?

99 replies

Hazless · 21/12/2022 23:04

Aibu or is it bloody hard to make friends as an adult?

I had friends from 10 years ago and had a good little group. One moved to a different country, one moved an hour away and the other about 4 hours away. I meet the one an hour away once every couple of months and we do text daily.

my work is remote and it’s very hard to find my “gang” I’ve been there a year but I feel like I don’t fit in still. It’s very hard to establish relationships.

uni friends live miles away we meet up once a year.

I work out at home (got equipment here) so don’t go to a gym etc.

I’ve got a few school mum friends but again it’s hard to establish a gang!

nct friends… I found it v hard to keep this up as after a year I returned to work full time where as they were all part time and met up lots. We meet up 2x year

I tried volunteering but It was busy work and v hard to establish friendships and chat Outside of the actual work.

I just can’t seem to find my gang.

I work full time with three kids, I just feel I don’t have enough time for me and for relaxing. I’m always on the run!

anyone fixed a problem like this?

OP posts:
Lilmissindependant · 22/12/2022 01:04

I do get that you are feelings lonely but i, personally, envy the level of friends you described in your OP.

Due to life and an unhealthy relationship I was in years ago, my friendship group dwindled and never resurfaced so I'm a lone ranger, which is also incredibly lonely. As I've got older and due to life experiences, I've found it really difficult to fit in to social situations and begin/maintain friendships.

I'm here for the advice on how to change that 😬

caringcarer · 22/12/2022 01:05

@BooBoopeeDoxx please don't think that way. You have still got time to make some Friends. For a long time I did not have any friends close to me. I had childhood friends but 185 miles away from me. When my parents were alive I went home quite regularly and met up with school friends and went out for a drink with them. I still chat on messenger to them. My son joined a cricket team and I had to drive him, watch the match that goes on for hours, then drive him home. Everybody took a little picnic. I took a big picnic and offered sons team mates some. I got to chat to parents because we were sitting together often for 5 hours. Cricket club had a club house with bar and I joined as a social member. Now I sometimes go to quizzes or themed evenings. I don't have close friends there but I feel I fit in.

Museya15 · 22/12/2022 01:35

I have no friends and it's how I like it.

dayslikethese1 · 22/12/2022 01:54

That sounds like a good level of social contact to me OP! But I its different for everyone what they need. I agree its harder once you're in your 30s, everyone is busy all the time.

NotAnotherTaco · 22/12/2022 01:54

I know exactly how you feel OP. I have great friends who live a million miles away from me, so only get to see once or twice a year.

What I get lonely for is that casual, spontaneous 'let's get a coffee on the weekend', or 'do you want to pop over for a glass of wine and a rant'.

pompomdaisy · 22/12/2022 01:58

I've got lots of friends but they don't check in on me daily as someone on here said. Why would friends at this stage of our lives do that?

OooScotland · 22/12/2022 03:32

I don’t. Lost my last one a few years ago after leaving my uni town, getting married, kids, ten years living in various other countries…. It happens to a lot of people as they get older and meet life partners and now so many people move far away for work. Kids grow up, the mums grow apart, etc, etc.

I accept it for now as I’ve always been happy with my own company but if I really wanted friends again I think I’d advertise or start going out to a hobby. I’ve never been one to have ‘work friends’ even before the last three years of WFH.

MickeyMouseShithouse · 22/12/2022 03:37

I have an extremely small circle. I have two friends who are my closest friends, and I have 3 other extended friends.

Thats plenty for me tbh. When I was in my teens I had a large friendship group but their hard to maintain, get bitchy, everyone works too hard to desperately keep the group together and it winds up just being pushed further apart. - plus my two close friends have partners and children, as do I. So our families make it feel bigger than it is, our children are similar ages and get alone so well.

Blueberrywitch · 22/12/2022 03:42

When I moved to a city I knew OF a few people from my home country who were also there, ie I had met them maybe once before but definitely not friends. I invited these people to 1:1 friend dates, had a drink and dinner/just a drink (clearly this is easier if you both drink but you could substitute for coffee - however I recommend wine if you can!). If it went well and we had friendship chemistry I might follow up with an invite to a show/exhibition and drink before or after. If that went well and I had similar things going well with another friend and they seemed like they might like each other too, I might invite them both to dinner at mine (think of a fun reason/theme). Repeat until you have a gang!

Easier if you already have a small link with then already but it sounds like you do have a lot of these, you just need to be a bit braver with your casual connections to take them to the next step - in my life I’m always thinking if certain people will get on and experimenting with bringing them together.

Most people love being invited to other people’s houses for dinner or drinks so if you have the energy to do this with people after you’ve had your initial 1:1 friendship dates, you’ll find your gang. But you do have to put your neck out and give it some effort!

Andthisyoushallknow · 22/12/2022 03:47

I have my husband,two older children and two dogs and that is my friends. I guess that is it .I used to have a few friends but I seem to piss people off and find that I get bullied by people who are meant to be my friends and if I stand up for myself, (why the past ten years I have done more of) they fall out with me!) So me and people don't work really. I don't go out of my way to annoy people or be selfish or nasty but I just seem to get taken a loan of . I am waiting on a ASD assessment as my DS is on the ASD and GP thinks this might be my case. Always been bullied at school, in relationships etc. My husband and kids are gems though! And my dogs !♥️

Andthisyoushallknow · 22/12/2022 03:49

OP I hope you find friends. You sound nice.

SocialLite · 22/12/2022 05:10

I have friends, but they all have much closer friends than me if that makes sense. I'm never (and never have been) that special one or two, so I just don't get invited to things, involved in chat etc. I just get to follow their lives on social media really.

Occasionally I will get close to someone for a while, but then they'll move on.

It's not just you, but it is so painful isn't it- I feel for you.

Londonnight · 22/12/2022 05:54

I have no friends. There is no one to call if I have a problem or just want to chat with someone. No one. I have family, but they don't live in the same area, so I am really alone and single.
I am 64 and moved around the country many times which hasn't helped with trying to form friendship groups. I have tried many clubs, but just haven't worked out, many are far too cliquy.

I am still working so at least I get to speak to people everyday, but apart from that when I am home there is no one.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 22/12/2022 06:00

If you want to pop out for an evening ask the friend that lives an hour away, find a nice town half way between you and its half an hours travel each.
Hardly a massive travelling distance.

KangarooKenny · 22/12/2022 06:07

So the title is wrong and you actually do have friends, you just don’t see them a often as you’d like.

RebulahConundrum · 22/12/2022 06:13

Sorry but YAB a bit U. You have people to talk to, even if you don't see them as often as you like. I have literally no one. The only people I speak to other than colleagues are shop assistants. Things could be a lot worse.

hattie43 · 22/12/2022 06:43

NotAnotherTaco · 22/12/2022 01:54

I know exactly how you feel OP. I have great friends who live a million miles away from me, so only get to see once or twice a year.

What I get lonely for is that casual, spontaneous 'let's get a coffee on the weekend', or 'do you want to pop over for a glass of wine and a rant'.

This is my experience aswell . Friends who live miles away but not local ones who I could ring up without 4mths notice .
It's really hard to make friends as you get older . I relocated a lot when younger so have never stayed in the same place long enough to connect with anyone . I have a sense of urgency too because I have a very small family and will be alone at some point .

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 06:56

Not interested in making friends. Have our little family unit and anybody outside of that never really adds anything good to us as a family. Just gets in the way or has to be tolerated. Life is so full at the moment I don't know how people fit friends in.

SerenaTee · 22/12/2022 07:58

Another one saying you do have friends, you just don’t seem to have a ‘gang’ of friends.

I’m keen to make more friends and am going to try to apply the motto “to have a friend you have to be a friend”. I realise I don’t put myself out there to develop friendships as much as I could, so my New Year’s resolution is going to be to be the one to suggest grabbing a coffee, going to dinner etc with people I click with.

laurelbee · 22/12/2022 08:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Hazless · 22/12/2022 08:37

Thanks everyone.

@laurelbee what could it be about my personality that is driving people away? Please explain further.

im not the life and soul of a party sure. But I would say I’m pretty average in personality. I know how to hold a conversation. I ask about others and don’t just talk to me.

I don’t get invited to things outside of work because most of my colleagues live in Dubai and america 😂

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 22/12/2022 08:45

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 06:56

Not interested in making friends. Have our little family unit and anybody outside of that never really adds anything good to us as a family. Just gets in the way or has to be tolerated. Life is so full at the moment I don't know how people fit friends in.

God you sound smug. As my mother would say, I hope it keeps fine for you. Are your children allowed have friends outside of your little family?

theleafandnotthetree · 22/12/2022 08:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That's very harsh. OP, ignore it! You sound perfectly capable of making and keeping friends, it's just not happening for you at THIS stage of life.

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 09:04

@theleafandnotthetree your mother sounds delightful and very kind. She must have done a good job raising such a nice person. No of course children are not allowed friends, being too smug to do so obvs 😂

wonderingpondering1 · 22/12/2022 09:09

I’m a bit like this but I don’t really mind. I don’t have a ‘gang’ of girl friends that live locally like some others do…I have a couple of friends I keep in contact with from my home town 3 hours away, see eachother around once every 2 years. One NCT friend I keep I. Contact with locally and one far away, a uni friend I still see, and have made a few mum friends at the school gates that I can call on for play dates. We also don’t really have ‘family friends’ ie you see other families going on holiday with big gangs of other families…although this would be my idea of hell as I’m quite introverted. I like having a few very good friends and meeting up with people one on one…it’s because we have both moved away from our local areas.