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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasable and how do we deal with my fiances ex?

72 replies

92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:04

So my fiance has 2 children with his ex, they are 9 and 11. They split when the youngest was younger than 6 months old.
He has them every weekend and has done ever since they split. On the weekend he works he collects them after work, with some saturdays I even have them. He works one saturday in 3, and has a lieu day in the week of the weekend h works, which he collects the children from school and brings them to us for dinner.
Whenever his ex asks him to pick the kids up from anywhere in the week he does this without any hesitation.
Cutting long story short...we have asked her if we can have one friday a month on the weekend he works so we can have a date night and morning together to then collect them around mid-morning.
She has come back saying we are being unnecessary wanting one night a month, why cant we do our night in the week. We both work full time and do not both get home until atleast 7pm. Shes also said about school holidays, where he gets off what he can and has the boys (25days annual leave, she works part time in a school so gets all school holidays off)
She has also signed them up for football..where we do the running around..he takes them to training on a friday evening, one game on a saturday morning...and the other on the sunday morning.
Basically this rant could go on forever but aibu??
Please can someone advise and help how we return a message in a rational way.

OP posts:
HoppyMoppy · 21/12/2022 20:07

I think YABU. You’ve got every other weekend for date night.

Keyansier · 21/12/2022 20:07

You spelled 'unreasonable' wrong in your title, just to make you aware.

I don't think this sounds fair, however, I suspect that the telling of this story from you might be one-sided and her side would be a different telling of the events entirely.

susiesuelou · 21/12/2022 20:08

HoppyMoppy · 21/12/2022 20:07

I think YABU. You’ve got every other weekend for date night.

How? OP says they have the kids every weekend?

Haribobreshnio · 21/12/2022 20:08

I'd say the kids come first. It's very usual for them to have extra stuff going on - like football - that dad would need to manage on his weekends. It's good for the kids.

A date night would be lovely, but you'll have to do what other parents would do when together - get a babysitter or have one at home after they are in bed. It sounds like a 4/3 arrangement which is pretty fair.

If your fiancé isn't happy with the arrangement then he needs to come up with something that doesn't cut his time with the kids to offer back.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 20:10

You shouldn't be left doing the running around or stuff like that.

WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie · 21/12/2022 20:11

On the weekend he works he collects them after work,
do you mean work on Friday or Saturday?

we have asked her if we can have one friday a month on the weekend he works so we can have a date night and morning together to then collect them around mid-morning
I don't understand this bit sorry. If he works on the Saturday how can you have a morning together? Or does he not work mornings?

Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:12

We have them every weekend friday to sunday, he works 1 in 3. With times where i have them whilst he works on that saturday.

OP posts:
HoppyMoppy · 21/12/2022 20:14

Ah sorry I read it as every other weekend.

in that case I think 1 Friday in 4 is deffo reasonable. Good luck op.

susiesuelou · 21/12/2022 20:15

So they never have a weekend with their mum?

susiesuelou · 21/12/2022 20:16

HoppyMoppy · 21/12/2022 20:14

Ah sorry I read it as every other weekend.

in that case I think 1 Friday in 4 is deffo reasonable. Good luck op.

More than reasonable!

Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:16

@WeDontNeedToTalkAboutJamie
Sorry. So the weekend he works, he picks them up on the saturday, but sometimes on the friday and i have them whilst he works.
And i meant the weekend he doesnt work we have asked for a friday night and saturday morning.

OP posts:
Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 20:16

92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:12

We have them every weekend friday to sunday, he works 1 in 3. With times where i have them whilst he works on that saturday.

Stop that. If he's not there he can't have contact they aren't there to see you.

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2022 20:16

Well, you are asking her to change her Friday nights/Saturday morning once a month and it's not obvious why she should do that.

Dollyparton3 · 21/12/2022 20:19

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2022 20:16

Well, you are asking her to change her Friday nights/Saturday morning once a month and it's not obvious why she should do that.

Because they're her children? What happened with the weekend working before you arrived as unpaid childcare OP?

Testina · 21/12/2022 20:19

He only has them 2 nights a week, and 1 in 3 weekends, that’s only 1 night a week.

So 5 nights in 21.
87 nights a year to her 278.

And you’re complaining because she won’t take them for 12 more so he can date you?

Get a babysitter 🤷🏻‍♀️

PeekAtYou · 21/12/2022 20:20

He should tell her that you can't have the kids when he's at work so you get a Friday date night once every 3 weeks.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 21/12/2022 20:20

Don't ask her. Just tell her how it will be in future.

If she gets annoyed tell her you will no longer have them when their dad is working so she'll have to have them.

She's being selfish and petty.

Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:21

It is hard because he use to work every other. And it changed to 1 in 3. Where we obviously were more than happy to collect the boys and have them more. So he also said to have them on his lieu day which he didnt have before either. So this is alot more time than they previously had. And now with the running around with football too its all very hard.
We do ask family to help us out and they do! @susiesuelou she does one saturday in 3 but they dont actually do anything with that time. When i ask what theyve done its usually...'nothing"

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2022 20:22

Dollyparton3 · 21/12/2022 20:19

Because they're her children? What happened with the weekend working before you arrived as unpaid childcare OP?

Show quote history

They're his children too. She should be able to make her plans and have her life while the children are at their father's house. If he's using the OP for childcare during his time, that's between them, not the mother.

She should not be the default parent all the time.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 20:23

92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:21

It is hard because he use to work every other. And it changed to 1 in 3. Where we obviously were more than happy to collect the boys and have them more. So he also said to have them on his lieu day which he didnt have before either. So this is alot more time than they previously had. And now with the running around with football too its all very hard.
We do ask family to help us out and they do! @susiesuelou she does one saturday in 3 but they dont actually do anything with that time. When i ask what theyve done its usually...'nothing"

They might not be telling you. They won't literally have been doing nothing.

Testina · 21/12/2022 20:24

@DriftwoodOnTheShore “If she gets annoyed tell her you will no longer have them when their dad is working so she'll have to have them.”

Or, dad will have to organise childcare on his contact time, or change his working hours. Plenty of people do. The default is not “oh dad can’t get his girlfriend to do his parenting, so mum has to.”

Tannedandfake · 21/12/2022 20:27

92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:21

It is hard because he use to work every other. And it changed to 1 in 3. Where we obviously were more than happy to collect the boys and have them more. So he also said to have them on his lieu day which he didnt have before either. So this is alot more time than they previously had. And now with the running around with football too its all very hard.
We do ask family to help us out and they do! @susiesuelou she does one saturday in 3 but they dont actually do anything with that time. When i ask what theyve done its usually...'nothing"

My STXH constantly texts my kids asking what are you doing, generally gets a response of ‘nothing’ too
However , I’ve probably dropped one off in town to meet friends, and another at the park with his bike, to meet mates. Kids responding ‘doing nothing’ is probably just not doing anything they don’t normally do when at home

gamerchick · 21/12/2022 20:27

StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2022 20:22

They're his children too. She should be able to make her plans and have her life while the children are at their father's house. If he's using the OP for childcare during his time, that's between them, not the mother.

She should not be the default parent all the time.

Show quote history

Not seeing her kids at the weekend, like ever is her being the default parent? At school all day so like a few hours after school only?

This is up to your bloke to sort out. I'd be sacking off the childcare it she's not willing to bend at all. She should want to spend some time with her kids.

Testina · 21/12/2022 20:27

“she does one saturday in 3 but they dont actually do anything with that time. When i ask what theyve done its usually...'nothing"

🤣

  1. nothing wrong with occasional days of doing nothing
  2. you wait til you have your own and they say they’ve done “nothing” after you’ve put effort into doing stuff with them
  3. if these poor kids do “nothing” why is their dad so keen to give them 12 more nights a year with their rubbish mum? 🤣
Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:27

@Testina yes when put like this.
But they go to school 5 days a week, put into hours then boys see her to seeing us, its a different story.

OP posts:
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