Are we being unreasable and how do we deal with my fiances ex?

[92fairy]

So my fiance has 2 children with his ex, they are 9 and 11. They split when the youngest was younger than 6 months old.
He has them every weekend and has done ever since they split. On the weekend he works he collects them after work, with some saturdays I even have them. He works one saturday in 3, and has a lieu day in the week of the weekend h works, which he collects the children from school and brings them to us for dinner.
Whenever his ex asks him to pick the kids up from anywhere in the week he does this without any hesitation.
Cutting long story short...we have asked her if we can have one friday a month on the weekend he works so we can have a date night and morning together to then collect them around mid-morning.
She has come back saying we are being unnecessary wanting one night a month, why cant we do our night in the week. We both work full time and do not both get home until atleast 7pm. Shes also said about school holidays, where he gets off what he can and has the boys (25days annual leave, she works part time in a school so gets all school holidays off)
She has also signed them up for football..where we do the running around..he takes them to training on a friday evening, one game on a saturday morning...and the other on the sunday morning.
Basically this rant could go on forever but aibu??
Please can someone advise and help how we return a message in a rational way.

Hmm, this is actually right.

Not being an arsehole or anything but you knew he had kids. How old are they? What do they want?

I get where you're coming from because of work patterns but if the mum has to work her plans around the nights she gets off then so should you. It's not her problem to have them an extra night (your arranged night) so you can have a date night once a month.

Dad should be finding childcare during his parenting time, not just expecting ex to cover for him. He should also be covering half of school holidays by default. Now he is asking for even less parenting time. Of course she is annoyed.

Every weekend isn’t a great schedule for anyone. Why doesn’t he have any full weekdays?

Appreciate everyones messages and i see all sides. But do think there should always be some give and take seeing as he does everything he can to help with kids when its asked of him.

Hey op, not unreasonable at all. But most people don't see it like that unfortunately. We have my stepson friday - Monday every single weekend for the last 10 years.
My husband rarely goes out, but when he does he always asks her if she wants to have him instead of me. She mostly says no, cos she has plans. Oh to have every weekend child free hey.

She tried to moan at him a few weeks ago because we were both going out so he basically just told her you're having him.

I remember saying it when he was 3, and it's still the same now. He pays child maintenance, all extra curricular activities, most clothes etc. but when you look at the time spent he spends much more actual time with us than with her as he's in school.

No you are not being unreasonable.

I definitely think you're being unreasonable here. You have 5 possible nights a week to have a date on, just because you have work doesn't stop that being the case and it appears you have every single Sunday night for example? Date nights don't stop being so just because you have work the next day and this feels a little entitled.

I get the comments of how much time the kids actually have with their dad but then their mum is responsible for all things school and I assume school runs etc? It doesn't sound like she's being unreasonable at all and my gut feeling says that for the sake of parenting for 2 days a week, you haven't got it hard at all.

Get a babysitter. That's what people do when they want to go out and they have kids.

@hakunamatataaaa finally someone who understands. Shes literally never had a weekend since the youngest was born. She has another child now too and will turn around and say 'im doing this with them pick the kids up'

That doesn't sound like a fully engaged parent, to be honest. He really should be proactive rather than awaiting instruction.

Do both of you see her as the real parent that you're doing a temporary favour for while it suits you but she should be grateful and cancel her life as soon as it's no longer convenient?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Kids in school Monday to Friday and then Mum gets every weekend to herself. I think 1 Friday in 4 would be a good compromise or even swap the Friday for day midweek

@StephanieSuperpowers what i mean is if she asks for help in the week he does it without question. He has asked to be mor involved with them in terms of school etc but has been ignored.
Whos cancelling their life?

@Flamingogirl08 which is where the wednesday come in to it initially. But the wednesday happens and the friday night doesnt.

Not unreasonable, but as I’m sure you know, stepparents shouldn’t say anything slightly critical about the birth parent on here.

I think it’s off that the mum never has them for a weekend tbh. I’d hate to just do the after school stuff and never any decent time at weekends.

It’s not a different story.
It’s different numbers yes, but it’s still the same story - the story being, that he has them less than her.
Go calculate it exactly, on waking hours not in school.
Even on a really basic estimate ignoring holidays, you could say her 5 days a week 7 hours (07:00-09:00, 16:00-21:00) him 2 days a week (07:00-21:00) you’ve got 28 hours a week for him, and 35 for her - 25% more.
I don’t know the history of him taking weekends, and I’m not saying that arrangements should never be reviewed.
But I am saying - don’t go into this thinking that she’s not doing more time than he is.

@FloydPepper yes I didnt realise id get critised for being a good step parent haha

There’s a stepparenting board where you’ll get a much better and more even response. Still some will have a go, but it’s much better.

@Testina the time spent with either parent was never in my thinking. But when put like you have i see where the quality time spent is. Cant really do much quality time 2 hours before school or 3 hours after. So thank you.

She does 25% more
ok
thats not, as some have been saying, doing it all. It’s pretty close.

I also wonder if there’s a cms thing going on here. She does a lot more overnights but only a bit more actual awake time. Cms is calculated on overnights…

You’re getting a lot of flack OP and I don’t think people are reading the original post as you have them every weekend plus the week day. In that case asking for 1 Friday night a month is totally reasonable.

Oh there's no winning for Step Parents on here I'm afraid. Too involved then criticised because the kids aren't yours. Not involved enough criticised because you knew what you were getting into. I'm a step parent myself but we have a great agreement that is flexible when plans allow and that means everybody gets the best of both worlds really. In these situations I find when either parent is unwilling to bend it comes from a spiteful place. I hope you manage to come to a suitable agreement

@FloydPepper hahaha i will remember that for future. Only wanted a bit of advice....not to be attacked like im the evil step parent...but hey ho.

💯 reasonable I'd be going for one full weekend without kids!

I've never really understood why people are so weirdly inflexible about childcare arrangements.

DP and his ex had a shared calendar where they input days when they had plans with the kids (like tickets to something) and plans that meant they couldn't have the kids (like a planned night out). All other times were flexible. We always had kids if we were free and mum wanted a night off and vice versa.

Same kind of thing for me. Surely bring inflexible benefits neither party.

we have a schedule but are both happy to chop and change for work or social reasons. I suppose both parties have to be actual adults and not dicks for that to work though.