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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasable and how do we deal with my fiances ex?

72 replies

92fairy · 21/12/2022 20:04

So my fiance has 2 children with his ex, they are 9 and 11. They split when the youngest was younger than 6 months old.
He has them every weekend and has done ever since they split. On the weekend he works he collects them after work, with some saturdays I even have them. He works one saturday in 3, and has a lieu day in the week of the weekend h works, which he collects the children from school and brings them to us for dinner.
Whenever his ex asks him to pick the kids up from anywhere in the week he does this without any hesitation.
Cutting long story short...we have asked her if we can have one friday a month on the weekend he works so we can have a date night and morning together to then collect them around mid-morning.
She has come back saying we are being unnecessary wanting one night a month, why cant we do our night in the week. We both work full time and do not both get home until atleast 7pm. Shes also said about school holidays, where he gets off what he can and has the boys (25days annual leave, she works part time in a school so gets all school holidays off)
She has also signed them up for football..where we do the running around..he takes them to training on a friday evening, one game on a saturday morning...and the other on the sunday morning.
Basically this rant could go on forever but aibu??
Please can someone advise and help how we return a message in a rational way.

OP posts:
Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 21:00

@Lilithslove this sounds lovely! We are always happy to have them and help when its needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 21:02

FloydPepper · 21/12/2022 21:00

Same kind of thing for me. Surely bring inflexible benefits neither party.

we have a schedule but are both happy to chop and change for work or social reasons. I suppose both parties have to be actual adults and not dicks for that to work though.

Show quote history

@FloydPepper 🤐😂😂

OP posts:
Dontknownow86 · 21/12/2022 21:21

You are definitely not be unreasonable. Their mother sounds bloody lazy actually, when does she ever spend any quality time with them? Basically she gets a lie in every weekend and to potter about on part time hours while they are at school and you get to relax when exactly??

Most people on here will decide you are wrong automatically as you are a step parent.

Personally I'd ask to split care 50/50 week on week off instead. You'll get a bit of free time alternate weekends and weekdays are generally far easier on my experience.

Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 21:36

@Dontknownow86 we have thought about 50/50 split but we dont think she will do it for reasons i wont say

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2022 21:42

There’s lots of calculations here but it sounds like their mum is additionally covering the vast majority of the 13 weeks of school holidays? So she will be doing far more. If he doesn’t get home until 7 on weeknights how is he Doing lifts after school? I also got confused as there was mention of her not doing any weekends and then having them 1 Saturday in 3?
generally I think if he’s been happy with having them every weekend for the last 9 years and the children are settled in that routine he should continue. Wanting to have less time with them so that he can go on a date isn’t great for the kids. Lots of people have mentioned getting a babysitter, isn’t that an option?

BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2022 21:45

@Dontknownow86 but neither dad nor OP is home before 7pm because they’re at work so how are they going to do childcare on weeknights?

FloydPepper · 21/12/2022 21:46

92fairy · 21/12/2022 21:36

@Dontknownow86 we have thought about 50/50 split but we dont think she will do it for reasons i wont say

Financial ones would be my guess

BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2022 22:04

Presumably dad wanted weekends because he works late weeknights and can’t take much holiday in school holiday time? Who would look after them with a 50/50 arrangement?

ZenNudist · 21/12/2022 22:14

Full weekend without the kids on the weekend he works.
Yanbu

Football is reasonable and I'd expect the dad to be a bit more into it than the mum.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/12/2022 22:16

Testina · 21/12/2022 20:19

He only has them 2 nights a week, and 1 in 3 weekends, that’s only 1 night a week.

So 5 nights in 21.
87 nights a year to her 278.

And you’re complaining because she won’t take them for 12 more so he can date you?

Get a babysitter 🤷🏻‍♀️

This

Yabu. Why on earth isnt he pulling his weight?

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/12/2022 22:18

Dontknownow86 · 21/12/2022 21:21

You are definitely not be unreasonable. Their mother sounds bloody lazy actually, when does she ever spend any quality time with them? Basically she gets a lie in every weekend and to potter about on part time hours while they are at school and you get to relax when exactly??

Most people on here will decide you are wrong automatically as you are a step parent.

Personally I'd ask to split care 50/50 week on week off instead. You'll get a bit of free time alternate weekends and weekdays are generally far easier on my experience.

She does the vast majority of the parenting so its laughable to call her lazy.

Flamingogirl08 · 21/12/2022 22:20

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/12/2022 22:16

This

Yabu. Why on earth isnt he pulling his weight?

Show quote history

That isn't correct though is it? He has them every weekend Friday and Saturday night. Also for dinner one night a week. I assume he also pays maintenence since its not 50/50 care

Zanatdy · 21/12/2022 22:27

Is it possible he could have the kids a week night? Could he (or you?) get them to school on time? As I guess that’s an option, then it could be alternated as surely mum must want a weekend now and then with her kids? Or maybe look at 50/50, 3 days one week maybe 4 the next alternated so both parents get some weekend time. It’s not unreasonable to want some time on a weekend to go out together. If she was dating someone she’s got every weekend

Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 22:27

@Flamingogirl08 sure does....

To be honest i can see that this thread touches the nerve of some. 50/50 is what we would prefer (especially my partner as he is a great dad @Willyoujustbequiet)

OP posts:
Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 22:30

@Zanatdy she has a partner and has done for 8 years. So they got plenty of alone time for many years.

50/50 would be our suggestion

OP posts:
Original poster
92fairy · 21/12/2022 22:32

We would work out everything as we would need to. Like every full time working parent does.

Seeing some of the comments about not being able to do 50/50 due to working full time has baffled me.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 21/12/2022 23:30

92fairy · 21/12/2022 22:32

We would work out everything as we would need to. Like every full time working parent does.

Seeing some of the comments about not being able to do 50/50 due to working full time has baffled me.

Nobody has said you can’t but it’s difficult to see how you could manage if you can’t ever find time for a night out in the week due to work commitments? What benefit is there to the children of changing their long established routines when it would appear they’d have to be in childcare rather than doing their activities and being looked after by a parent? It’s really about what is best for the children not what’s convenient for the adults.

Testina · 22/12/2022 09:30

@ZenNudist “Football is reasonable and I'd expect the dad to be a bit more into it than the mum.”

You’re embarrassing yourself.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 09:44

Whatever you do I'd be stopping the childcare on the weekend he works. Absolutely not.

So you have the DC every weekend and then on the weekend he works you can't even make plans for yourself with friends or whatever because you STILL end up with the children? No way would I be doing that. And the fact mum has them more is irrelevant to that because it's not your responsibility in the first place.

Theres arguments for and against the Friday thing but absolutely I'd be saying no more childcare when he's working so YOU at least (the one with the least responsibility here) can have one weekend to make your own plans!

Original poster
92fairy · 22/12/2022 10:19

@Testina if he was the one who arranged the signing up for football then yes! But he wasnt even informed or asked if it was ok that his time with his children was being planned for him! He should be respected!

@Rarararaaa i have them because sometimes his weekend at work has to be swapped and he is told it is inconvenient and that their mother cant have them. So there isnt any flexibilty...which is sad as he is very flexible for her needs.

OP posts:
Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:24

which is sad as he is very flexible for her needs

Then he should stop doing that if it's not reciprocated.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 22/12/2022 10:43

Not unreasonable at all
You have them Fri-Sun for 2 weeks in a row
then on the 3rd week you're doing Wed-Thurs then Sat-Sun.
The kids might actually enjoy having some Fri evenings with their mum for a change - rather than only seeing her on school nights.

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