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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H so fucking useless

64 replies

uselessh · 21/12/2022 18:04

Is it me or is this just terrible behaviour... read on...

Have just got to my sister's house for Christmas with two small kids under 3.

The journey was the usual, a bit tough with two small ones, but not so bad.

Anyway since we have arrived, he got here. Left his shoes in the middle of the floor, ate ( didn't help clean ) and went to chill in the bedroom. Whilst my sister and I are battling two small kids and trying to cook / clean up/ prepare dinner etc.

I don't think it's normal. It's quite rude, we are in sister's house.

Or am I being too much ? I went downstairs and he just kind of threw my hands in the air at him and he said ' what ? Do I have to be with you the whole time now ??'...

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/12/2022 18:06

He sounds horrendous 😳 is he always like that?

7yo7yo · 21/12/2022 18:06

Who are you talking about? Her husband/partner? Yours? Your brother??

disgusting behaviour anyway.

wackamole · 21/12/2022 18:09

If I read this right, you and your husband and two small children are visiting your sister for Christmas and staying at her house. You and the children came together, your husband arrived separately? His behaviour sounds rude and not normal, unless there are special circumstances (he's ill or just come off a 15 hour shift, or something, and your sister has asked him to relax/get some rest). Even if the children are not his, he could offer to help. And he could certainly ask your sister if there's anything he can do like help with dinner, dishes, etc.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/12/2022 18:09

Have you put yourselves in each others shoes?

Did he do the driving? Worked a shift before travelling? Did he actually want to come?

What are you annoyed about? Him not spending time with the kids or being sociable with your sister, or hands on with the cleaning up?

How are you feeling? Excited? Energised? Expectatant? Your dh just might not be matching you energy wise (and you wouldn't really want him to fake it?)

Neither of you are superhuman, have either of you checked in with each other and asked if your ok?

UWhatNow · 21/12/2022 18:12

He thinks all of that is mere woman’s work and nothing to worry his superior male self about. He’s a prick.

coodawoodashooda · 21/12/2022 18:19

He doesn't think much of you.

midgetastic · 21/12/2022 18:30

If he arrived after work or whatever he might need to chill out - and whilst you will be 100% comfortable with your sister he might well feel stressed and uncomfortable

UWhatNow · 21/12/2022 18:34

midgetastic · 21/12/2022 18:30

If he arrived after work or whatever he might need to chill out - and whilst you will be 100% comfortable with your sister he might well feel stressed and uncomfortable

Ahhh poor tired-out man who ‘works’ and needs to ‘chill out’. Unlike a mother of small children whose life is just so relaxing and never fraught, especially after travelling at Christmas. 🙄

nancydroo · 21/12/2022 18:36

Sounds like he didn't want to go. I'd hate to stay at DH family house. Even after 15 years, it's too long a time to be in the company of people who are not proper family, actually too much to be with my family. I'd probably hide myself somewhere. Would you rather he didn't go?

Dotcheck · 21/12/2022 18:37

Timeforabiscuit · 21/12/2022 18:09

Have you put yourselves in each others shoes?

Did he do the driving? Worked a shift before travelling? Did he actually want to come?

What are you annoyed about? Him not spending time with the kids or being sociable with your sister, or hands on with the cleaning up?

How are you feeling? Excited? Energised? Expectatant? Your dh just might not be matching you energy wise (and you wouldn't really want him to fake it?)

Neither of you are superhuman, have either of you checked in with each other and asked if your ok?

So, if his ‘expectations’ and ‘energy’ aren’t matching with OP’s, he doesn’t have to be a thoughtful house guest and can leave his shoes in the middle of the room?

RewildingAmbridge · 21/12/2022 18:38

Regardless of anything else you don't go and hide in a bedroom as a guest! Very rude.
He also seems to view the children as your problem. I'd be mortified if DH did this at my brother's

midgetastic · 21/12/2022 18:43

Agreed he probably should have said no to going

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 18:45

OK so he's not covered himself in glory here, but how is he usually at home?

Leaving shoes in the middle of the floor...so what, in the grand scheme of things?

Didn't help clean...well its not ideal but what usually happens at home?

He should've looked after the kids though and not disappeared upstairs.

Have you spoken to him about it in a non confrontational manner?

TerrysGotPeeves · 21/12/2022 18:48

Timeforabiscuit · 21/12/2022 18:09

Have you put yourselves in each others shoes?

Did he do the driving? Worked a shift before travelling? Did he actually want to come?

What are you annoyed about? Him not spending time with the kids or being sociable with your sister, or hands on with the cleaning up?

How are you feeling? Excited? Energised? Expectatant? Your dh just might not be matching you energy wise (and you wouldn't really want him to fake it?)

Neither of you are superhuman, have either of you checked in with each other and asked if your ok?

What fucking batshittery is this?

So because the OP's husband might not feel as 'excited, energised, expectant', she should be fine with the fact that he 'Left his shoes in the middle of the floor, ate ( didn't help clean ) and went to chill in the bedroom. Whilst my sister and I are battling two small kids and trying to cook / clean up/ prepare dinner etc.'

Why do you think that?

FrankbyNature · 21/12/2022 18:54

It's another half a week until it is Xmas.

This isn't going to end well.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/12/2022 18:56

Well theres somethings wrong isn't there? Unless he has been an utter shit for their entire relationship? In which case it wouldn't be a surprise and the op wouldn't have started a thread?

feelingsimilar · 21/12/2022 19:23

Difficult to tell. When we go to stay with dsis it takes a while for my dh to settle in. I go more often so I know my way around the kitchen etc and can more easily help out wihout having to ask where the knives were, where the dusbtin was etc. Also me and dsis have an easy way of working together and dealing with each other's dcs. So if she was getting something out of the oven I would find it easy to tell her dc off for getting in the way. dh wouldn't.

What's your dh like at home? Does he leave you to do everything while he relaxes? If so YANBU (but you mighth have built a rod for your own back). What is communication usually like between you? It's a bit p/a to just walk in and throw your hands in the air. Did you ask him to help with your dc?

P.S. Where was your sister's husband in all this? Was he part of the dealing with dc, cooking, clearing up? Or was he also absent at work or in his room? That also affects the dynamic.

CSIblonde · 21/12/2022 19:25

So don't say anything to him, but send th kids upstairs to him , with instructions to play with their toys with Daddy & not to come down until you call them. If people are not helpful, delegate a task & be firm.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/12/2022 20:00

He sounds like a dick who assumes that, because there is another woman available, he has no responsibility for household jobs or childcare.

Testina · 21/12/2022 20:03

He’s the arsehole not you - but, why didn’t you say, “need your help to cook / feed the kids / can you clean up whilst we do bedtime etc”?

HyggeandTea · 21/12/2022 20:11

It can be a bit awkward in an in-laws house to step in, but a bit more context is needed about everyone's movements that day.

(E.g Did he work a night shift, get home and look after the kids whilst you went out for a massage, go back to work and then drive over having now been awake 36 hours...in which case, fine!)

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2022 20:14

My guess is that he's always been a useless piece of shit. Am I right?

Sunnytwobridges · 21/12/2022 22:04

I'd be embarrassed to be married to such a prick honestly.

Original poster
uselessh · 22/12/2022 08:23

HyggeandTea · 21/12/2022 20:11

It can be a bit awkward in an in-laws house to step in, but a bit more context is needed about everyone's movements that day.

(E.g Did he work a night shift, get home and look after the kids whilst you went out for a massage, go back to work and then drive over having now been awake 36 hours...in which case, fine!)

Haha no massage for me.

It has been stressful for everyone to travel. But guess who I packed and washed for ? While he moaned about packing his own bag. I packed for two kids and myself and washed etc. while of course, he only packed tor himself and complained about it...

He has not come off a Night Shift or anything like that.
Does he want to be here ? No.

OP posts:
Original poster
uselessh · 22/12/2022 08:27

Of course he doesn't want to be here. Do I want to be at his family Christmases ? No. Do our kids deserve to spend one Christmas with his and another with my family- yes. It's just something people suck up. I sacrifice a lot for my husband and see his family regularly etc. he can give us a few days and act like a normal human and not a Neanderthal.

Yes, when there's other females around, he excuses himself and does what he wants and if you ask him to help out, he says you're a nag and giving him a hard time. That's him. Unfortunately.

OP posts:
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