Don't know how to react - DH comments about big families

[Leothebear]

DH and I have 2 DCs.
We stopped after 2 because my DH could not cope with the work and the pressure.

I checked in on this topic on regular basis but he always said he was done.

But

Every single time we meet friend with 3 or more kids, or every time we watch a movie/series with a big family, he always makes the same comments

How it would be so great to have such a big family
How these ones are real families
How the chaos makes life fuller
What a great and rich life they have

Comments on the same lines regarding families with pets

I always feel so deeply hurt by these comments, it feels like a wound being reopened every time and i am not sure how to approach the topic with him.
He makes me feel like our family is not enough.

I have reacted a couple of times and he replied that it was just chitchat mindless comments. But i think there must be more if he feels the need to say it every single time.

Do you want more children op? Maybe he does deep down. You might both benefit from marriage counselling as
You shouldnt be feeling hurt by his comments really.

I have a big family (5children) and it is total chaos but i was an only child
and we were very much a family unit too so your husband is being ridiculous in my view. Family is what you make it.

Everytime he said it I would answer "I know. I absolutely agree. It was what I dreamed of. It's a source of great sadness to me that you deprived me of this because you couldn't cope."

I wouldn't feel in the least bit guilty about making him feel shit if he keeps up these comments.

Keep calling him out on it.

"How the chaos makes life fuller" Yes, but you can't cope with it, that's why we stopped at two.

"What a great and rich life they have" Really? You said you were really stressed and tired. That's why we stopped at two.

Do you want any more?

I mean, two is a lovely amount of children to have. It seems odd to be making loaded remarks when you have two children anyway, almost a bit goading.

Three was no more chaotic than two.

Is he trying to hurt you? It seems very strange to make a decision (that I assume you weren't really on board with) and then go against it constantly.

And it's a strange thing to make conversation about anyway. I have 3 kids and I literally never comment on the size of other people's families. I literally couldn't care less.

As others have said, I think you should be calling him out.

He'd like a bigger family but couldn't cope that's all.

I feel the same when I see twins or triplets. I feel a bit envious but I know I'd cope really badly as a parent 🤷‍♀️

Next time he makes a comment like that say, 'Yes and I'd love a bigger family. Shall we revisit that discussion?'

Call his bluff until he learns to think before he speaks.

I don't think there is anything wrong in looking from the outside and saying how wonderful that must be? - and then admitting to himself that he actually wouldn't cope himself? At least he's honest?

I have 3. The last 2 are twins. STBEXH said he wanted a big family....when we had the twins within a year or so he announced he couldn't cope and left

Haha, I'm the opposite, I only have one child and whenever I see a larger family on TV with 4+ kids I go "corr no thank you, I don't know how they cope, I'd have a breakdown" or something similar. Nothing wrong with large families, just wouldn't be my ideal.

Sounds like he would ideally like a large family but is aware that he wouldn't be able to cope.

I think the same about households with lots of dogs even though I refuse to even own one. Ideally, I'd love to have many pets, but in reality I am aware I couldn't cope.

I think I’d take the @MadMadMadamMim approach “yes that’s why I wanted more kids - have you changed your mind?” Or “remember it was you that insisted you couldn’t cope with more than 2.” Every time.

But why throw it back at him all the time?
It's a bit manipulative don't you think? We all dreams of things in life that are unrealistic.

But reality is different from fantasy. In my head I'd love a bigger family and I'd be the perfect sahm. That's not what my reality would be like. Plus movies and social media are primed to show the best bits of a big family not the day to day hardships.

If he thinks only big families are ‘real’ families, he’s a twat.

In theory he's allowed to mention it whistfully while accepting he never acually wanted to go through the hard work of it. We all day-dream.

However those comments are weirdly specific.

Well two DC is twice as many as one.
He was the one that wanted two not more, if he was up for it do you think you'd want another DC at this point?

If i would want a third child? Maybe. Probably. I mean, he was always pretty clear about not wanting more so i decided to sort of close this door in my brain.

He also comes from a big family (4 siblings) and he loved it.
Before having our second kid, he kept mentioning he wanted a big family. That DC2 was for sure not the last.

And then, 6 months in he said no more and never changed his mind again.

Maybe he is grieving a life he planned and never executed?

I think it changes the dynamic entirely - more arguments (children), more likely to have a personality clash, one feeling left out, less time, less money.

Both my husband and I are one of three siblings. I've experienced it for myself.

Maybe.

Can I ask why it seems it was a unilateral decision? Did you have a conversation about it together, or does he get to dictate how many children you carry?

It all seems a bit odd.

I totally get the changing minds once people realise how hard parenting is. I get it. But to then say comments otherwise is bizarre. I have 3 kids and know I could never have more. I couldn't cope. I would never look at a family of 5 wistfully. In fact, I'd look at them with gratitude that it wasn't me. I just find it a bit strange that HE decided he didn't want kids, regardless of your wants, but then makes comments TO you about how their families are superior. Either he's extremely negative thinking, or he's playing with your emotions.

If you would happily have more than every time he says it I would respond with something like, ‘I agree, let’s start trying for another one then.’ or, ‘You’re right it would be lovely to have more, I’ll book an appointment with my doctor about stopping contraception so we can start trying again.’ If he’s the one who has made you stop at two then he’ll quickly learn to keep his mouth shut if every time you take it as the go ahead to start planning baby 3!

Nah. My experience of three children hasn't been like that. Everything #knittingaddict mentions was true for two children and didn't increase with three. If anything, two to amuse themselves whilst you deal with the third. The big change in dynamic was to move from one to two.

I do not see it as "how many childs i carry" but as "how many childs we have".
For me it is essential that both parents are absolutely IN when they plan for a kid.
Since i saw how difficult he found and still finds having 2 kids, i understood when he said no more.

But this does not explain all the comments.

You could try reopening the conversation- say you’ve noticed his comments but you’d always thought his preference was to have no more than 2. Say that you’d be open to planning a 3rd dc, but thought he was dead set against it. If he says he defiantly doesn’t want anymore, tell him he needs to stop making those comments then as you find them upsetting.

Agree with @Hillarious

One to two was hard. All subsequent DCs were far easier.

Though having said that, a lot depends on your individual baby. DC4 was a non sleeper and cried at the drop of a pin. DC5 otoh was all sunshine and roses like DC3.

Wrt the 'non family' comment, I think that would be incredibly hurtful, and if he didn't grovel at your feet to apologise for the insult to you and your children, he should be made to. It's just monstrously offensive.

I think you should make a huge deal out of all of this, frankly. He needs to piss or get off the pot - accept his family is the size it is or have another child or two. The constant comments are very hurtful and he needs to have his bluff called.