"Children should be wanted and only had when both parents feel they have the time, energy, resources and capability to manage them."
Did you mean to be so preachy here?
"He is perfectly in his right, as is any parent, to say he doesn’t want more children. In many cases, it is one person who makes that call for any number of reasons. That doesn’t make him and incompetent failure. He would love to have a bigger family but realizes it would be IRRESPONSIBLE to do so when he doesn’t have the capacity to take or 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 kids."
Read what I actually posted on the topic of 'incompetence, etc'.
He decided unilaterally not to have more.
This is not the way responsible parties in a marriage make decisions.
Now he is telling his wife that their family of two adults and two children is not a 'real' family, that only bigger families are 'real' families.
Again, behaviour guaranteed to drive a wedge between himself and his wife. It's hurtful and it's unreasonable, and it has been repeated more then once.
This is what is hurting her.
This is what is making her see red.
She would have had more children if he had been willing.
She was willing to go through pregnancy and childbirth and muck in with two small children and a baby (and maybe do it all again with three small children and a baby, who knows).
But he said NO because the stress of a small child and a baby was too much for him.
And now his family isn't a 'real family' because there isn't enough chaos.
Infuriating - because I'm guessing the OP conscientiously sees to it that there isn't chaos, for the sake of her husband who can't cope with it.
"Bigger families are different and he grew up in one and misses what he had that he can’t have now."
Nobody has forbidden him from being a father to more than two children.
He made that decision himself.
This isn't a case of 'what he can't have' - it's a case of what he himself decided unilaterally.
"That doesn’t make him an incompetent failure who should be name called and kicked and humiliated. If one of your kids feels overwhelmed by school so they don’t take music, they can still like and appreciate and want to play music even though they don’t have the resources to do it. You don’t need to tell your child you are incompetent, you are a failure, you are never to talk about music because you are the one who couldn’t even cope with school and decided not to take more on."
And again (sigh) READ.
I'm tired of your silly posts here.
I know how you feel about what you thought I said.
Enough already!
The husband here mentions how inadequate his family is every single time he sees families with children and families with pets.
Here are the OP's words:
"Every single time we meet friend with 3 or more kids, or every time we watch a movie/series with a big family, he always makes the same comments"
"How it would be so great to have such a big family"
"How these ones are real families"
"How the chaos makes life fuller"
"What a great and rich life they have"
"Comments on the same lines regarding families with pets"
He's telling his wife that the family they have together is a failure, that their life isn't rich or full, having previously refused to talk about a larger family because he was the one who couldn't cope with the reality of it.
He is telling his wife that HER family is a failure.
You can't decide - unilaterally - to have a small family and then turn around years later and moan in such insulting terms about the small family you decided to have.
Telling her that their family isn't meeting his need for chaos and that chaos is better is sheer gaslighting.