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Original poster

Don't know how to react - DH comments about big families

73 replies

Leothebear · 20/12/2022 13:43

DH and I have 2 DCs.
We stopped after 2 because my DH could not cope with the work and the pressure.

I checked in on this topic on regular basis but he always said he was done.

But

Every single time we meet friend with 3 or more kids, or every time we watch a movie/series with a big family, he always makes the same comments

How it would be so great to have such a big family
How these ones are real families
How the chaos makes life fuller
What a great and rich life they have

Comments on the same lines regarding families with pets

I always feel so deeply hurt by these comments, it feels like a wound being reopened every time and i am not sure how to approach the topic with him.
He makes me feel like our family is not enough.

I have reacted a couple of times and he replied that it was just chitchat mindless comments. But i think there must be more if he feels the need to say it every single time.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 20/12/2022 15:55

@Leothebear totally agree with u about both parents being "in".

Does he say them to the couple or to you after? The "real families" comment would really bug me!! The rest could be just chit chat comments instead of the usual "oh u must have your hands full" but I'd have to call him out about the real families one! 💕

Sartre · 20/12/2022 15:56

My guess is he wants more children. No idea why he’s dropping weird hints rather than just telling you outright though.

WaltzingWaters · 20/12/2022 15:57

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/12/2022 13:51

Keep calling him out on it.

"How the chaos makes life fuller" Yes, but you can't cope with it, that's why we stopped at two.

"What a great and rich life they have" Really? You said you were really stressed and tired. That's why we stopped at two.

Do you want any more?

This

HulahoopsBBQbeef · 20/12/2022 15:58

I agree with previous posters. I think you can still yearn for a bigger family whilst simultaneously realizing that it isn’t realistic or achievable for you. I always wanted four and would have loved to have more. But after two with extra needs I had to accept that it wouldn’t happen. Doesn’t stop me wistfully thinking what if though.

ThinWomansBrain · 20/12/2022 16:00

just suggest he takes on a larger share of existing childcare
(I'm presuming he is responsible for less than 50%)

Fifthtimelucky · 20/12/2022 16:11

I also agree with others. We stopped at two though I would have loved a bigger family. I am one of four children and ideally I'd have had four myself, but my head overruled my heart, especially as my husband was keen to stop at 2.

I am absolutely sure that stopping at two was the sensible thing to do (and now that I am in my 60s it is far too late to change my mind)! That doesn't stop me feeling wistful when I see bigger families. I sometimes wonder about what might have been.

Saxiee · 20/12/2022 19:12

Can I ask why it seems it was a unilateral decision? Did you have a conversation about it together, or does he get to dictate how many children you carry?

Because if she wants more children but he doesn't then she will have to go and have them with some other bloke, won't she? I don't see how else it would work

Schooldilemma2345 · 20/12/2022 19:13

I’ve got 3 and it’s not all that!

NeedToChangeName · 20/12/2022 19:17

I love looking at houses in the country, and coment on what it might be like to live there

But,really, I'm happy in the city

Could he be like that?

Tinkerbyebye · 20/12/2022 19:25

And each and every time he says those comments I would say

i agree it would be lovely but you said you couldn’t cope with more than two/ a dog/ whatever and I have had to accept that so please stop making these comments as it upsets me that you think it would be lovely but won’t allow it to happen

each and every time. Bet he soon shuts up

CantFindTheBeat · 20/12/2022 19:30

Of course you need to pull him up on it, OP.

He made the decision for both of you that 2 was the limit.

Why does he get to tease you with dreams of what might have been? That's a real arsehole thing to do.

What other dreams and decisions does he get to rule on? Are there more, or is the rest of your lives happy and contented?

AegonT · 20/12/2022 19:52

I feel like your DH. I always wanted a big family but I find raising kids so exhausting and value time to myself more than I thought when I had tons if it pre-kids. I look on families with 3 or more kids with curiosity and a bit of envy. Same with smaller age gaps between kids - we have a big gap as I couldn't copy with a baby and toddler/pre-schooler at the same time. I don't think he's trying to hurt you.

billy1966 · 20/12/2022 19:59

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/12/2022 13:51

Keep calling him out on it.

"How the chaos makes life fuller" Yes, but you can't cope with it, that's why we stopped at two.

"What a great and rich life they have" Really? You said you were really stressed and tired. That's why we stopped at two.

Do you want any more?

This.

Every time.

Even in front of people.

I would find his twittering on unpleasant and disingenuous.

I would be seriously unimpressed with this attempt at utter gaslighting and would be telling exactly that.

WonderingWanda · 20/12/2022 20:24

I think this is about him and not you op. He might have imagined a large family and despite realising he couldn't cope with it is feeling regret and mourning it a bit.

I think you should have a sensitive chat with him and let him know how it makes you feel everytime he laments his lack of large family. He is basically making you feel that you aren't enough. I hope he will be horrified to hear that he is making you feel this way and starts to pull himself together and realise how lucky he is to have a family.

Gloschick · 20/12/2022 20:28

I imagine everytime he goes to a 'big family' home, it has the feel of his childhood home, which then makes him wistful of happy chaotic family life. His first and most significant experience of family was 'big family'. That is why he talks about it being a real family.

Many of us think that we want to replicate that for our own families then realise we don't have it in us to raise more than 2. He has done the right thing by stopping at 2 if that is all he can manage. I wonder if he knows how you feel about number 3? Probably best to have a frank discussion. Not necessarily with the aim to ttc, but if he understands your feelings, he is more likely to be considerate in his comments.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/12/2022 20:33

Sounds like he likes the idea of a big family or the fun parts of being in a big family. However clearly the thought of being a parent to more children was difficult for him.

m I understand that in a way. I often think I live the idea of a couple of more children, but I know the reality is that I’d struggle and hate it.

maybe you just need a really direct conversation about how him making those comments makes you feel.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/12/2022 20:36

billy1966 · 20/12/2022 19:59

This.

Every time.

Even in front of people.

I would find his twittering on unpleasant and disingenuous.

I would be seriously unimpressed with this attempt at utter gaslighting and would be telling exactly that.

Show quote history

This sounds a little unkind to me.

I often look at babies and say “oh how cute is he”. If my husband piped up “yea but you got postnatal depression and hated being a mum when ours were babie” or something like that…..I’d be really upset and think he was insensitive .

Natty13 · 20/12/2022 20:51

Obviously the way you feel is the way you feel so you can't do anything about that but my first thought was that I often say things like that when people have loads of pets! I'd love a cat but we already have a dog and our rabbit died in the summer and we agreed not to get another one because it was too much work with the kids, dog, and the amount of travel abroad we do. Not getting more pets is what's right for our family but doesn't mean I don't see people with a menagerie and feel wistful!

billy1966 · 20/12/2022 20:51

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/12/2022 20:36

This sounds a little unkind to me.

I often look at babies and say “oh how cute is he”. If my husband piped up “yea but you got postnatal depression and hated being a mum when ours were babie” or something like that…..I’d be really upset and think he was insensitive .

Show quote history

I don't think those are comparable at all.

He is saying according to the OP.....

"How it would be so great to have such a big family
How these ones are real families
How the chaos makes life fuller
What a great and rich life they have".

Are you saying EVERY time you see a cute baby ...how it would be great to have another baby?

You were unwell and suffered an illness after carrying a baby, not the same thing at all IMO.

He changed his mind after a second child was only 6 months......because HE couldn't cope.

The OP has been very generous not to have been very pissed off at that, but she didn't, she moved on.

Him repeatedly lauding a larger family having said no more children because HE couldn't cope, is vinegar on a wound.

I think he sounds like an arsehole.

Maybe it's just insensitivity but I would be really turned off such obtuse behaviour.

bellac11 · 20/12/2022 20:57

DuplicateUserName · 20/12/2022 14:31

He'd like a bigger family but couldn't cope that's all.

I feel the same when I see twins or triplets. I feel a bit envious but I know I'd cope really badly as a parent 🤷‍♀️

Exactly I cant believe all these comments about 'calling him out' (immature phrase) and trying to make him feel like shit

Theres tons of things we dont do because although we have a nice fantasy in our heads the practicality of the thing means we wouldnt cope. Its a push pull thing, you want something but you know you wouldnt cope with it

He's just expressing himself by the sounds of it, but by all means shut him up and shut any discussion about feelings down

mathanxiety · 21/12/2022 01:47

Can he talk about his feelings directly, and over the kitchen table, without denigrating the family he has?

Or is he allowed to indulge in verbal diarrhoea every time he sees babies out in public, with no thought to the hurt he caused when he couldn't cope with a baby he had agreed to be a father to or perhaps even persuaded the OP to have?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to remind him of his incompetence or failure to cope or inability to adapt, or whatever the problem was.

The OP is entitled to her version of how the year after the birth of the second baby went, and she could maybe bring it up over a cup of coffee, not when out and about in the heat of the moment.

I do think a very serious conversation needs to take place. But I also think the OP can deliver a sharp reminder when he starts to gush about babies that it was his refusal to talk about having another that resulted in the family consisting of mum and dad and two kids that he seems to be looking down his nose at.

musingsinmidlife · 21/12/2022 02:35

People want what they don’t have all the time. He knows he can’t cope and good for him for stopping but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t love a big family. Some people want a big family but stop because of money restraints or illness or another child with a disability.

Not.sure why so many are saying to use his smart move to not have kids he can’t cope with against him. That is just petty and immature.

Every time someone says I wish I had or I’d love to have…it doesn’t actually mean they want that right now with no regard for anything else.

musingsinmidlife · 21/12/2022 02:41

This reply has been deleted

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lennolin · 21/12/2022 02:54

Depends how he is saying it. Sounds awful and Abisive, or it could be like every one says random things like I see a Manson on TV. Doesn't mean I'm unhappy or want that. Everyone says stuff like this. But if he's saying it being miserable or nasty then completely wrong

mathanxiety · 21/12/2022 04:48

@musingsinmidlife - how about leaving the personal remarks out of this, eh?

@lennolin
This man has said to his wife that his family of himself, his wife, and two healthy and presumably well cared for kids isn't a real family.

He isn't throwing himself into family life with a full heart if he sees them all in that light.

It's a complete slap in the face for his wife, who probably got the family through the chaos of life with a baby and toddler, and who very likely works hard to manage family life, maybe with a paid job on top.