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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked PUBLICLY if I am 'a gypsy' ..

66 replies

cherryyy · 20/12/2022 13:31

So I have been back at work today, after having been off on Thursday & Friday with the awful lurgy that seems to be doing the rounds!

On Thursday morning, one of my colleagues came to my home to drop off a company laptop and some other paperwork that i needed to continue to WFH whilst I was unwell. My manger had asked me to do so, so that I don't spread the virus. I thought nothing more of it.. I took the items from her at my doorstep, we had some small talk before I thanked her and logged on to continue working for the day.

Today, I went back into the office as I'm feeling better. Once I'd sat down, an different member of staff decided to shout across the office to me to ask (in his exact words) 'hey, Cherry.. are you a gypsy? XXX colleague said that you live in a massive house and there was a transit van on your driveway' I looked up at him as I was honestly so taken aback.. before he then went on to say 'there's no shame in it, you can tell us. It's just some people aren't keen on... you know...'

I don't have a clue what he's talking about, and I felt a flood of embarrassment wash over me. I don't even know why. Just being called out over something so random (and untrue) in the office in front of so many people, I guess.

I responded by explaining that I am in fact not, but that there would be absolutely no need for him to feel any differently about me if I were. My DH drives a sign written company van for his work, and that I don't understand where this has come from.

AIBU to be completely confused and taken aback?! I don't know what to do from here. I feel really strange about it. Especially the fact I've been clearly judged and talked about in the office, and then publicly also.

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 20/12/2022 13:32

What a tool.

Clackyheels · 20/12/2022 13:33

WTF?!?! You are definitely not the one who should be embarrassed in this scenario. I wouldn't know where to begin!

Echobelly · 20/12/2022 13:34

What a bizarre thing to ask. I'd just conclude is a rather tactless colleague and forget about it I imagine colleague who told them about your house is mortified as well... and justifiably embarrassed they talked about your house to tactless colleague, which they shouldn't have.

Original poster
cherryyy · 20/12/2022 13:35

I don't even live in a big house! Just an old end terrace cottage. Nothing spectacular. I don't know if there was some kind of nasty motive to this.. it feels very random.

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 20/12/2022 13:39

Nope, you're not in the wrong at all!

However, did you ask to work from home when you were Ill? Do you get sick pay? Because if you didn't volunteer to work from home, your were ill and shouldn't have been asked to carry on working.

Obviously if you did volunteer or don't get sick pay so didn't want to lose the money then ignore this!

EmmaAgain22 · 20/12/2022 13:39

Wtaf

as a woman of colour, I get asked a lot of stupid questions...I find the best thing is to let them talk, and look confused...though looking confused is very easy given what some people say.

Stressedmum2017 · 20/12/2022 13:41

I've been asked by random strangers if I'm a gypsy because I 'look like one' apparently. I'm not but doesn't bother me at all because I don't believe it's anything to be ashamed about anyway.

RatherBeRiding · 20/12/2022 13:44

Maybe ask him if he needs to update his Equality and Diversity training and that this might be something HR could signpost him to.

Creepybookworm · 20/12/2022 13:49

One of oldest DS's friends wasn't allowed around to our house because his Dad saw DS and thought he 'looked like a traveller'. I think it means DS was scruffy (he was to be fair - it's his natural look!) but it goes to show how prejudice people are and also how little the dad knows about travellers.

crumpet · 20/12/2022 13:51

Shrug your shoulders, think “some people are twats” and move on

picklemewalnuts · 20/12/2022 13:56

That's appalling. Needs a mention to HR.
It's not acceptable to loudly query people's racial origin at work.

MadeofElephantStone · 20/12/2022 14:23

"Hey colleague, are you a twat? It's just that you sound like one. There's no shame in it, you can tell us, it's just that some people don't like....twats."

Just kidding, but what an arse. Who are these people he is speaking for? Is he publicly insinuating that there is something wrong with being a Gypsy? Hmm, I would probably log this with HR, that's a real blunder that could have a bigger impact on someone or the company if it is taken as badly as it should be. He needs educating.

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/12/2022 14:28

Stressedmum2017 · 20/12/2022 13:41

I've been asked by random strangers if I'm a gypsy because I 'look like one' apparently. I'm not but doesn't bother me at all because I don't believe it's anything to be ashamed about anyway.

Yes I've had this too and feel the same. Although, thinking about it, I'd probably mind more if I was Roma as it tends not to be a neutral question. Ditto w being asked if l'm Jewish.

picklemewalnuts · 20/12/2022 14:31

I can't get past the general insensitivity- I don't ask people who look 9 months pregnant 'when it's due', just in case.

How do people think they can ask this kind of stuff.

(I might risk a 'you've got beautiful colouring' to someone with amber eyes and freckles, or green eyes and a tan...)

Original poster
cherryyy · 20/12/2022 14:32

I'm just really shocked. Thinking about it more you're alright, it's really insensitive and maybe should be take. To HR..

OP posts:
PAFMO · 20/12/2022 14:39

It was clearly a shit attempt at a "hilarious joke" by some troglodyte who probably doesn't even realise it's a racist slur.
Time he learned.
(But fwiw, I don't think he really thought it, he thought he was being funny) (which obvs he wasn't)

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 14:39

cherryyy · 20/12/2022 14:32

I'm just really shocked. Thinking about it more you're alright, it's really insensitive and maybe should be take. To HR..

And say what? A man asked loudly if I was part of a certain race? The only reason this seems insensitive is because people have a negative connotation with gypsies. If he’d said hey “xxx are you Irish?” Loudly across the office would you been so offended?

I don’t see what the big deal is.

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 14:40

I'd have it reported to HR by the end of the day. What a twat.

I had someone once ask if I was Jewish because I "looked like one and had money". They then doubled down that I was strange because "Irish people don't usually have money". All communications ended with that person when they said "Irish people are racist and Travellers". People are just fucking stupid OP. This is not for you to be embarrassed about.

JorisBonson · 20/12/2022 14:41

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 14:40

I'd have it reported to HR by the end of the day. What a twat.

I had someone once ask if I was Jewish because I "looked like one and had money". They then doubled down that I was strange because "Irish people don't usually have money". All communications ended with that person when they said "Irish people are racist and Travellers". People are just fucking stupid OP. This is not for you to be embarrassed about.

This. He just sounds like a twat.

EmmaAgain22 · 20/12/2022 14:42

PAFMO · 20/12/2022 14:39

It was clearly a shit attempt at a "hilarious joke" by some troglodyte who probably doesn't even realise it's a racist slur.
Time he learned.
(But fwiw, I don't think he really thought it, he thought he was being funny) (which obvs he wasn't)

Maybe

what's the guy like normally?

DuplicateUserName · 20/12/2022 14:46

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 14:39

And say what? A man asked loudly if I was part of a certain race? The only reason this seems insensitive is because people have a negative connotation with gypsies. If he’d said hey “xxx are you Irish?” Loudly across the office would you been so offended?

I don’t see what the big deal is.

Show quote history

Have you completely ignored the racist stereotyping?

The 'big house', the 'van on the driveway' and 'there's no shame in it'?

He didn't just ask loudly if she happens to be a gypsy, you've chosen to ignore the real problem Hmm

WonderingWanda · 20/12/2022 14:46

What a dickhead thing to say. Definitely go to HR and make a complaint. He obviously thought he was funny, it's very weird.

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 14:50

DuplicateUserName · 20/12/2022 14:46

Have you completely ignored the racist stereotyping?

The 'big house', the 'van on the driveway' and 'there's no shame in it'?

He didn't just ask loudly if she happens to be a gypsy, you've chosen to ignore the real problem Hmm

Show quote history

I didn’t choose to ignore the real problem I didn’t read it properly
I made a mistake.

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Do you mean conflicting? No, I wasn’t conflicting anything so I assume you are not implying I am a bigot?

If she was part of one of them communities I would hope she would declare it to anyone who asked, conversations about people’s heritage are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

how ever rereading the initial post, he does seem awful tbh. I misread the first time.

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