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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked PUBLICLY if I am 'a gypsy' ..

66 replies

cherryyy · 20/12/2022 13:31

So I have been back at work today, after having been off on Thursday & Friday with the awful lurgy that seems to be doing the rounds!

On Thursday morning, one of my colleagues came to my home to drop off a company laptop and some other paperwork that i needed to continue to WFH whilst I was unwell. My manger had asked me to do so, so that I don't spread the virus. I thought nothing more of it.. I took the items from her at my doorstep, we had some small talk before I thanked her and logged on to continue working for the day.

Today, I went back into the office as I'm feeling better. Once I'd sat down, an different member of staff decided to shout across the office to me to ask (in his exact words) 'hey, Cherry.. are you a gypsy? XXX colleague said that you live in a massive house and there was a transit van on your driveway' I looked up at him as I was honestly so taken aback.. before he then went on to say 'there's no shame in it, you can tell us. It's just some people aren't keen on... you know...'

I don't have a clue what he's talking about, and I felt a flood of embarrassment wash over me. I don't even know why. Just being called out over something so random (and untrue) in the office in front of so many people, I guess.

I responded by explaining that I am in fact not, but that there would be absolutely no need for him to feel any differently about me if I were. My DH drives a sign written company van for his work, and that I don't understand where this has come from.

AIBU to be completely confused and taken aback?! I don't know what to do from here. I feel really strange about it. Especially the fact I've been clearly judged and talked about in the office, and then publicly also.

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 14:54

WTAF? That's offensive in so many different ways.

catmum88 · 20/12/2022 14:57

This man would likely get a final written warning or dismissed at my company for this.

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 14:59

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 14:53

Do you mean conflicting? No, I wasn’t conflicting anything so I assume you are not implying I am a bigot?

If she was part of one of them communities I would hope she would declare it to anyone who asked, conversations about people’s heritage are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

how ever rereading the initial post, he does seem awful tbh. I misread the first time.

Show quote history

No, I mean conflating. Keep up.

"One of them communities". Ok. An ethnicity is a protected characteristic. It never needs to be declared in the workplace.

UnderHisEyeOverMyDeadBody · 20/12/2022 14:59

I’d reporting the blatant racism to HR.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2022 15:01

That w be a disciplinary at my job. I’d be off to HR, that’s a shocker of a thing to say.

Original poster
cherryyy · 20/12/2022 15:01

He's not really ever said two words to me before. We work in a large office with over 30 people in the team, so it was seen and heard by LOTS of other people. So if I needed a witness to the incident, I assume that wouldn't be an issue.

OP posts:
HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 15:03

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 14:59

No, I mean conflating. Keep up.

"One of them communities". Ok. An ethnicity is a protected characteristic. It never needs to be declared in the workplace.

Show quote history

Who said it needed to? Simply saying there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

gosh, who spilt your coco pops.

jamoncrumpets · 20/12/2022 15:04

The world still thinks it's fine to be casually racist against gypsies. I'm 1/4 Romany and people used to laugh at me when I revealed it. Now I am proud.

Ahnobother · 20/12/2022 15:04

Go to HR.
That's utterly unacceptable whether it's a comment to you on your own or in front of others. It's not funny, it's not banter, it's just completely unacceptable and he needs to be told that.

Hope you're feeling better.

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 15:04

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 15:03

Who said it needed to? Simply saying there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

gosh, who spilt your coco pops.

Show quote history

"If she was part of one of them communities I would hope she would declare it to anyone who asked"

You did.

DrSmoot · 20/12/2022 15:06

RatherBeRiding · 20/12/2022 13:44

Maybe ask him if he needs to update his Equality and Diversity training and that this might be something HR could signpost him to.

This.

Pretty shocking for him to say most of what you’ve written tbh.

Merlott · 20/12/2022 15:08

picklemewalnuts · 20/12/2022 13:56

That's appalling. Needs a mention to HR.
It's not acceptable to loudly query people's racial origin at work.

This is my opinion.

Totally unacceptable

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 15:08

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 15:04

"If she was part of one of them communities I would hope she would declare it to anyone who asked"

You did.

Show quote history

I didn’t say she’d NEED to. I’ll repeat… I merely meant she shouldn’t be ashamed!!

You’re just here to start a fight & argue. I already said I misread the post originally, you disgustingly suggested I was a bigot and continue to look for things to argue about.

oakleaffy · 20/12/2022 15:12

@cherryyy The bloke's a knob. So every Trade is a ''Gypsy'' because they use a Transit sign written van?
He definitely needs to wind his neck in.

You should have hollered across the office ''Hey , are you always this obtuse?''

Claddyt · 20/12/2022 15:15

As a traveller I’m looking at some of these comments far from impressed we are homeowners pay all our taxes and run a 5 star company….just putting it out there.

I think rather than the focus be on the entire “gypsy” thing it needs to be considered more so towards the discrimination towards the race/ethnicity aspect.

Report to HR.

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 15:16

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 15:08

I didn’t say she’d NEED to. I’ll repeat… I merely meant she shouldn’t be ashamed!!

You’re just here to start a fight & argue. I already said I misread the post originally, you disgustingly suggested I was a bigot and continue to look for things to argue about.

Show quote history

I'm not. You incorrectly read the post then told OP you didn't see what the big deal was. I pointed out to you, on many fronts, how wrong that was.

I never directly called you a bigot. You made that connection.

And I'll repeat, there's nothing to be ashamed about being from the gypsy community or any other community or ethnicity- but it is grossly inappropriate to front up a colleague about a protected characteristic in the workplace.

If you have a problem with being corrected, that's a you-problem.

Elleherd · 20/12/2022 15:18

If she was part of one of them communities I would hope she would declare it to anyone who asked, conversations about people’s heritage are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

It's not about being ashamed, it's about being othered and being discriminated against and usually being unable to prove why, from that point on.

Not having a go at you, but if she was, and she did, then in most situations she'd be viewed by most as one very stupid Rom! 😂

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 20/12/2022 15:18

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 14:39

And say what? A man asked loudly if I was part of a certain race? The only reason this seems insensitive is because people have a negative connotation with gypsies. If he’d said hey “xxx are you Irish?” Loudly across the office would you been so offended?

I don’t see what the big deal is.

Show quote history

Are you actually OK? You gotta be a troll. In what world do you think your post was appropriate?

HelsyQ · 20/12/2022 15:23

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 15:16

I'm not. You incorrectly read the post then told OP you didn't see what the big deal was. I pointed out to you, on many fronts, how wrong that was.

I never directly called you a bigot. You made that connection.

And I'll repeat, there's nothing to be ashamed about being from the gypsy community or any other community or ethnicity- but it is grossly inappropriate to front up a colleague about a protected characteristic in the workplace.

If you have a problem with being corrected, that's a you-problem.

Show quote history

ok.

PenanceAdair · 20/12/2022 15:26

I'd be side-eyeing the colleague who came to your house and went back to the office blabbing about "massive house" and "van on the driveway" and probably got them all wondering "what you are" from her nosiness.

I hate office gossip and culture in general.

Logginglogger · 20/12/2022 15:30

That’s really weird especially if you don’t even live in a large house but a terrace.

constantsky · 20/12/2022 15:33

What a shocking thing to say! I'd be straight to HR with that one. Regardless of your background, it's incredibly offensive and perpetuates stereotypes about a specific community. Bigoted, plain and simple.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2022 15:38

Yes, take this to HR.

He's creating an environment where people are known for their ethnicity and not their role. In other words, an environment where ethnic and racial minorities are singled out from the majority.

Your colleague needs to understand why his crass comment was completely unacceptable.

Sartre · 20/12/2022 15:39

That’s actually really random. Someone living in a terraced house with a work van parked outside would not make me think ‘oh they must be a gypsy’. No idea where he got that from, it isn’t a stereotype I’ve personally heard of.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2022 15:45

@Sartre - it's a sad and fairly well known trope; the white van of an unlicensed workman and the nice looking house.

My guess is this ignorant male colleague and the equally offensive female colleague who dropped off the work actually meant 'Irish Traveler', not 'gypsy' (which is itself an offensive term).

Actually, OP, if your boss gave out your home address to a random colleague without your consent, he was in breach of privacy laws.