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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry Xenia...

588 replies

duchesse · 02/02/2008 16:58

...for starting that thread when I didn't believe you existed (and I genuinely didn't). I've done some proper research now, and realise that you are real person with fantastic real achievement. I apologise unreservedly for my previous thread, which was genuinely not designed to get at you since I did not believe you existed. I am aghast and incredibly impressed at how much you have achieved, and look forward to sparring with you again some time...

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 06/02/2008 14:28

I an no SHAM, my house is pristine (I am anal [grin). I hate nets, so don't have them, buy washing powder as and when I need it and don't fuss about price.

I am a SAHM, I am also a well rounded well educated person in my own right, have plenty to stimulate my mind other than housework and childcare. Have made a very valueable contribution through the work I did prior to becoming a SAHM (a few years after having children). I also supported dh through his training, generated the down payment for our first home, and have a sizeable amount of money in investments and savings. I have professional qualifications to my name (my title is Dr.COV BDS).

Wether there is an element of wind up or not, it annoys me when sahms are seen as sad/less worthy, when on an individual basis you (that is a general you, not aimed at anyone in particular) know no more about me than I you!

Elffriend · 06/02/2008 15:03

Ooh Pankhurst - thank you for the smiley face biscuit! I will now feel sustained and buoyed whilst hurtling down the A1.

Don't have any nets. Remember my mum washing them - a lot. They were full of big oval holes. We were classy in the 70's.

Can't cook either. Unless you count G&Ts. Can make very good puddings but have to follow the recipe to the letter, otherwise I panic. Would be a crap SAHM.

Judy1234 · 06/02/2008 15:23

I am I. I don't condemn anyone. I just give my views. They only feel condemned because they're so unsure of their own choices. None of us can predict how our lives will turn out. I never expected to be divorced in my 40s for example. But you can plan to a certain extent. I spend ages with chilren of university age and their friends picking careers. They all know how your life is in terms of work/hours/money if you're banker or City professional and how it is if you go into the art world or whatever. No one goes into these things without knowing the long term effect on earnings. You make your choice and if it doesn't work out you know it can be hard to change in some areas later.

Someone wanted to CAT me. I don't know really what that is or how it's done.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 06/02/2008 15:27

Some people do choose their career without thinking about future earnings. The financial implications are not the top of everyone's list.

chipmonkey · 06/02/2008 15:42

Nobody made it clear I'd have to work Saturdays either!!

MrsMattie · 06/02/2008 15:47

Little of what you say rings true for me, Xenia - ever.

chocolatedot · 06/02/2008 16:21

Ahh of course Pankhurst all is clear, it must be the bitter ex-husband after all! And there I am, wasting a whole afternoon looking really really really deep inside and ISTILL can't seem to locate that secret desire for an interesting job.

jasper · 06/02/2008 16:22

it all rings true to me

idontcarewhoreadsthis · 06/02/2008 16:34

Hi Xenia,

I wanted to contact you offline (can't put too much detail on the internet) but you have a restriction on messages being passed on to you by mumsnet (I clicked on the your envelope). Can you ask them to remove it (if you agree of course)?

MrsMattie · 06/02/2008 23:24

Great@jasper

Judy1234 · 06/02/2008 23:26

I took it off today I think if that worked.

chocolatedot · 07/02/2008 07:41

But Xenia, condeming people who don't follow your precise view of the world is exactly what you DO do!. Want a job in the Public Service where you'll never make a lot of money? You're an "idiot" ; happy to do housework? "more fool you" and it goes on and on and on and on ad infinitum.

Interestingly, most people on this thread discuss their own choices and how they feel about them. It is pretty much only you who feels the need to make proclamations about those of other people.

Thank goodness most successful career women are broad minded enough to appreciate that the world isn't black and white and extends beyond NW1 and £100k salaries.

jalopy · 07/02/2008 08:05

Good post, choco.

Judy1234 · 07/02/2008 08:10

I don't understand how anyone wants to be a housewife but may be one day someone will explain it to me.

Also given the number of MN threads about lack of money, cost of child care, mortgages etc why do women pick low paid work when they could pick higher paid work? Surely they made silly choices and can't I say that so they don't allow their daughters to make the same silly choices? Okay if they like Oxfam clothes and living in a mobile home great, let them go off and work in the call centre or local authority.

Tutter · 07/02/2008 08:14

xenia, whilst i respect your views, i am surprised at just how many times you have to ask this. it makes you appear dim or, at the very least, forgetful

i consider myself fortunate (yes, fortunate) in that i can afford not to work while my dcs are small. i enjoy - yes enjoy - being around them all day . i have a degree and used to work int he city, earning a reasonable salary

each to her own, surely?

Anna8888 · 07/02/2008 08:21

Xenia - no-one will be able to explain to you why many women feel a great and overwhelming urge to care for their children themselves. But maybe one day you yourself will reach a higher level of understanding of human relationships that will enable you to empathise

MrsMattie · 07/02/2008 08:27

'Why do women 'pick' low paid jobs?'

And you are the beacon of feminism and female success, the leading example we should all be following? Do me a fucking favour.

geordiemacminx · 07/02/2008 08:28

People dont "choose" low paid work.. most have no choice. If ou have no qualifications, limited numeracy/literacy then I dont suppose there are a huge amount of employers banging down your door with job offers of £100k a year. They take low paid work as in some cases it is slightly better than being on benifits, in the hope that it will lead to better opportunities in the furture.

Its easy to say that they can improve their skills but if someone struggles to read or write confidently then the prospect of getting a job in an office where they would have to use a computer and deal with people is about as frightening as it gets.

I used to contract in a very lucrative industry prior to having ds, for now I'm staying at home to look after him. I dont see it as a "choice" - I actually see it as an honour. There is nothing better than seeing him grow up - he's 9 months,and has changed so much since he was born its unbelievable. He is a pleasure to have, and when the time is right I will go back to work.

ZippiBabes · 07/02/2008 08:30

people take low paid work because it is the only work they can get...my dd worked in a house of fraser cafe when she was 15 as a saturday jib worked there full time then moved to a pub kitchen and had a baby at just 19 went back to work at the end of maternity leave

then worked as a cleaner still on les than minimum [ay she eventual;y managed to get some local authority workj through an agency in spetmber but walked out after a ciuple of weeks as tyhey treated her like shite (rather like her previous employers) she then managed to get an another agency job which she has been doing since and she has the chance to apply for the job she has been doing..at the mo she is on minimum pay but if she gets the job she will be on 15k on a scale rising to 17.5k I hope she gets it Her son is full time with a child minder She is 23 in a few weeks time The job she is now doing iunvolves figures and she is thi nking of trying to get accountancy exams

No one has tried harder to make a go of things

MrsMattie · 07/02/2008 08:34

Most women are just stupid, eh, Xenia?

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 07/02/2008 08:57

I chose my low paid work. I left I highly paid job in finance to look after my sick child. We've spoken of this before Xenia - why I chose to give up work as opposed to my husband who, at the time, had a lower earning capacity than me. It was because I considered the emotional and physical impact on the family to be of higher importance than the financial one.

It seems to be a concept which you have difficulty grasping. That choice doesn't make me a fool or an idiot. Just makes me different to you.

blueshoes · 07/02/2008 09:05

zippi, your dd sounds admirable. She is really trying to improve her circumstances.

I hope you don't mind me asking, zippi. It is so hard for her now to play catchup. Could you explain why, with her determination and your support, did your dd leave school with few qualifications? I am genuinely interested to know.

spokette · 07/02/2008 09:05

From Xenia

"why do women pick low paid work when they could pick higher paid work? Surely they made silly choices and can't I say that so they don't allow their daughters to make the same silly choices?"

So how much do you pay your nanny, cleaner etc?

When you were pregnant, how much do you think the midwives who cared for you earn?

How much do the teachers who taught your children earn?

I bet these were mostly women and I bet they don't earn the vast sums of money that you proclaim that they should, only if they were intelligent enough.

The services you buy and rely on to conduct your lifestyle rarely pay huge salaries and therein lies the flaw in your argument. Whats more, to infer that many of these women have lesser intelligence than those who earn large sums of money is insulting, idiotic and quite frankly misguided.

ZippiBabes · 07/02/2008 09:12

blueshoes that is a very complex question..i won't answer it on this thread...but i'm not averse to answering or attempting to

Anna8888 · 07/02/2008 09:12

Actually, I am often envious of women who picked lower paid work than I did.

When you go for very high-paying professional jobs, you often end up in an all-or-nothing scenario in the type of job that cannot be done part-time or cannot support a career break.