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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect that when my dd goes to see her dad

65 replies

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 09:30

He doesn’t go out on drinking in the night or take her to a party with him?
it seems this is the basis of his life and she hates it.

yesterday I confirmed they would be at his and that she would need checking as she has been unwell and he still left her to go out.
i picked her up.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 09:31

How old is she and who did he leave her with?

Ocrumbs · 18/12/2022 09:33

jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 09:31

How old is she and who did he leave her with?

Yes this is important info

DelphiniumBlue · 18/12/2022 09:35

Did he leave her by herself, or with grandparents/ babysitter
If he has frequent, regular contact then it doesn’t seem unreasonable for him to get a babysitter. It might not be unreasonable for him to take her with him, there may be other children she knows or can hang out with. It’s the fact that she is not comfortable with it which makes it difficult.
How old is she, and what were the occasions?

girlmom21 · 18/12/2022 09:38

I'd expect him to give it a miss if she's unwell, for sure

Ocrumbs · 18/12/2022 09:39

girlmom21 · 18/12/2022 09:38

I'd expect him to give it a miss if she's unwell, for sure

For me it would depend how unwell and how old the child was who the child was left with

Original poster
Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 11:29

Unwell enough that she was in hospital last week
12 years
he’s not seen her for 3 weeks due to various things

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 11:30

I wouldn’t mind but I’d text to check earlier before she went as she was worried and he’d said they were having a chilled one - no indication then he would be out

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2022 11:33

Well at 12 she is technically old enough to be left for an evening.

Is she otherwise happy with him? If can you sit down with them both and talk about what would make it better. I can understand why you went to pick her up but it’s not a long term solution

jeaux90 · 18/12/2022 11:49

Ok but she was well enough to go to her dads, after being in hospital last week. Who was she left with?

I see both sides of this. I'd be annoyed that he said he'd be home but changed his mind. Equally you don't get to dictate what your ex does, I'd hope he used sound judgment if she was just getting over something and she was left with responsible family.

caramac04 · 18/12/2022 11:51

He’s clearly not that bothered about his dd imo. She deserves better. Sounds like it’s not a one off night out. What a dick.

Original poster
Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 12:01

I think it’s more about her happiness than his going out. Everyone’s entitled to a social life but she’s not happy being there when she wants to be at home. So him being out kind of of worsens it for her

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 18/12/2022 15:32

I am feeling quite sad for your DD. What is wrong with her father? Do you think he'd planned to go out but lied about it, or did something come up and he decided to go?
Sorry if I've missed it, but I don't think you said whether whether she was left alone or with someone?
But either way, if she's gone to see her dad for the first time in 3weeks, he promises an evening in chilling and then fucks off, it's miserable for her.
Going forward, it's not going to encourage her to go there, is it? Not what any of us would want for our child, to feel second best.

Fleurdaisy · 18/12/2022 15:36

That’s sad for your daughter. If she’s not seen him for 3 weeks, that’s 20 evenings he’s had to party and drink. His DD should be his priority and surely the pint of her staying with him is to spend some time together.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/12/2022 15:36

Your poor DD.

What an arsehole.

HamBone · 18/12/2022 15:54

if she's gone to see her dad for the first time in 3 weeks, he promises an evening in chilling and then fucks off, it's miserable for her.

Exactly, he clearly isn’t interested in spending time with her. Given her age, perhaps consider changing the contact arrangements? Do you have a court order?

Undecidedandtorn · 18/12/2022 15:57

I think sounds odd. If I wanted to go out I would just ask my ex to have the kids as would he.

lynthesearesexpeople · 18/12/2022 16:03

My ex h used to do that all the time.

He only had ds for a weekend once every two months as he lived a long distance away/was often out of the country for work.

Almost every weekend he had ds, he and his wife would have plans for the Friday and Saturday nights and ds would be with a babysitter. He stopped wanting to go in the end when he was 13 because he didn’t see the point in going there if his dad was going to be going out every time.

Her father should go out when he doesn’t have her with him.

Reugny · 18/12/2022 16:08

Your DD is old enough to say she doesn't want to go to her dad's.

If she goes, he goes out and she is unhappy then she needs to phone someone to pick her up and get her to yours.

She then needs to message her dad that she came over to see him but because he went out she went back to her mum's. Every single time.

gogohmm · 18/12/2022 16:11

It's nearly Christmas, he's entitled to a social life too. Taking her to a party is fine as is getting a sitter

HamBone · 18/12/2022 16:14

gogohmm · 18/12/2022 16:11

It's nearly Christmas, he's entitled to a social life too. Taking her to a party is fine as is getting a sitter

He’s entitled to a social life, @gogohmm . What he isn’t entitled to is to do is say to his DD that they’ll have an evening in together chilling and then leave her to go out.

He should be honest with her.

Choccolatte · 18/12/2022 16:15

Thats rubbish. When DSS came over at that age onwards (ie he was awake and not in bed) DH wouldn't go out.

Reindeersnooker · 18/12/2022 16:15

I think it's really poor.

KillingLoneliness · 18/12/2022 16:17

I don’t know why anyone would defend the father in this situation. He hasn’t seen his DD for 3 weeks and decided to go out on a night he has her? That’s just incredibly selfish and how lonely much she feel being left alone when she is there to spend time with him.
I’m sorry you are all in this situation OP, is she not able to express her feelings to her dad or will he not listen/take it well?

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 18/12/2022 16:20

I honestly cannot believe there are people defending this man.

I am sorry that you have only ever come into contact with such sub-standard men in your lives.

Kanaloa · 18/12/2022 16:25

gogohmm · 18/12/2022 16:11

It's nearly Christmas, he's entitled to a social life too. Taking her to a party is fine as is getting a sitter

He can enjoy the social life he’s entitled to the massive majority of the time when he checks out of parenting. Not the one day out of three weeks he’s supposed to be caring for his child.

And dragging your kid out to parties so you can get drunk or just leaving them at home every time you see them is piss poor.