Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To expect that when my dd goes to see her dad

65 replies

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 09:30

He doesn’t go out on drinking in the night or take her to a party with him?
it seems this is the basis of his life and she hates it.

yesterday I confirmed they would be at his and that she would need checking as she has been unwell and he still left her to go out.
i picked her up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:40

DelphiniumBlue · 18/12/2022 15:32

I am feeling quite sad for your DD. What is wrong with her father? Do you think he'd planned to go out but lied about it, or did something come up and he decided to go?
Sorry if I've missed it, but I don't think you said whether whether she was left alone or with someone?
But either way, if she's gone to see her dad for the first time in 3weeks, he promises an evening in chilling and then fucks off, it's miserable for her.
Going forward, it's not going to encourage her to go there, is it? Not what any of us would want for our child, to feel second best.

That’s exactly how she feels second best and like she has to got in with his stuff. She’s anxious as he wants her to go to a party next week where they have arranged a room for her so she can be alone - why the hell would she want that? She’s obviously not going

OP posts:

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:40

She was wleft with a family member last night so not in any danger but apparantly they said she was to go to bed at 8pm abs she felt she couldn’t tell them she was unwell

OP posts:

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:42

HamBone · 18/12/2022 16:37

The OP should ask her DD to text her if this happens and she wants to come home. A written trail will be helpful if they need to change the court order.

Show quote history

She hates saying anything to upset him so she won’t always say plus it’s not down to her. Iv said now that she will come on times when he is there. It’s been rare that there’s. Weekend when he is thee to be honest

OP posts:

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:43

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 18/12/2022 16:35

@gogohmm oh come on...1 night out of 21 I think he could sacrifice a social life surely? When an NRP sees their child as rarely as that, regardless of the reasons why, I would expect them to largely prioritise spending the time actually with them and doing things appropriate to them.

This! Especially when he knows how hard it is for her!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:44

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 18/12/2022 16:37

Its not up to you to dictate how he spends his contact time, just as he can't say anything about when you choose to go out whrn you have her. and at 12 your daughter should be saying she doesn't want to go.

it is up to me when it upsets my daughter. And surely his contact time should be spent with him??

OP posts:

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 18:47

What sort of father doesn't see his child for 3 weeks when she's been ill enough to be in hospital? And then leaves her to go out partying! He's a dick and your child deserves better.

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:47

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 18/12/2022 16:54

How often does he see her? My DH has 50/50 and we arrange the vast majority of social occasions around my DSD. The odd thing that can’t be moved like a wedding or a big birthday function etc, we either leave her with grandparents or take her and leave earlier and don’t drink much. But you’re talking maybe 2-3 times a year if that. For a casual night out with friends, it’s a big no from me, he can do that when you have her!

He has her weekly but the past few years since lockdown he’s often away on weekends weddings etc - often left with his wife or someone else. Sometimes at his wife’s parents which she struggles with massively . And when I’m encouraging her to go saying it’s important they spend time together and that happens it makes her feel sad. The times he is there she often says they are a party of some sort. I’m not judging him but it’s making her feel unsettled
she doesn’t want to go anymore

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 18/12/2022 18:50

That was a bit of a drip feed.

I couldn't get worked up if my DC were with a family member.

it is up to me when it upsets my daughter. And surely his contact time should be spent with him??

And no, it REALLY isn't up to you. He decides how his DC are cared for on his time. You don't have to like it but unfortunately you have to ;ump it. Or go to court, but you don't have much of a case.

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 18:55

It's not a drip feed. Seeing her once a week and then buggering off out is horrible - I can't imaging only being with my kids once a week and then not wanting to spend every moment I could with them! And it's unacceptable to leave her with his wife's parents unless she wants to be there and they have a grandparent type relationship. She goes so that she can have contact with her dad, not his wife's parents.

UpendedPineapple · 18/12/2022 18:56

Of course it's shit! Imagine if the roles were reversed and her mother saw her one night in three weeks and went out. I'm sure loads if people would still be saying she deserved a social life

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 18:57

OP, if she doesn't want to go, then don't make her. Let him take you to court and your dd can say what she wants. At 12, her opinion will be taken into account

Original poster

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:59

I would never want to severe their relationship I know he does love her but has different priorities right now. I think he should just have her the days he’s in - he liked to have set days but they aren’t right for her if he’s drinking and out

OP posts:

HamBone · 18/12/2022 20:11

You may not want to sever their relationship, but from what you’re saying, the current situation is making her unhappy-being left with his wife’s parents, for example.

If you’re on amicable terms with your ex, could you share how your DD feels when he leaves her with other family members during contact time? Surely if he really does care about her, he won’t want her to feel anxious and unhappy?

Reugny · 18/12/2022 20:54

ImAvingOops · 18/12/2022 18:57

OP, if she doesn't want to go, then don't make her. Let him take you to court and your dd can say what she wants. At 12, her opinion will be taken into account

This.

OP you need to encourage your DD to speak up for herself and then back her.

Don't force her to go to her dad's if she doesn't want to. (She also doesn't have to give him a reason why she doesn't be want to go but you need to point out people aren't mind readers.)

Then when she is ready to try again to have a relationship with her dad back her and back all her attempts.

AuntieEntity · 18/12/2022 22:30

Whoopsywoo · 18/12/2022 18:59

If he doesn't prioritise her over a night out then he can't love her as much as he loves a session. That's the reality I'm afraid, and it's one I've faced so I do understand. As a PP said, he's got ample amounts of time as a NRP to go out - he should do it then. I would honestly stop her going and if he's that bothered he can explain to a Court why he prefers the pub to his own child.

Flip

1 2 3