To expect that when my dd goes to see her dad

[Whoopsywoo]

He doesn’t go out on drinking in the night or take her to a party with him?
it seems this is the basis of his life and she hates it.

yesterday I confirmed they would be at his and that she would need checking as she has been unwell and he still left her to go out.
i picked her up.

I like a pp’s idea though of just supporting her to leave every time he leaves and telling her dad that she came to see him so if he isn’t there she’ll just go home.

@gogohmm oh come on...1 night out of 21 I think he could sacrifice a social life surely? When an NRP sees their child as rarely as that, regardless of the reasons why, I would expect them to largely prioritise spending the time actually with them and doing things appropriate to them.

The OP should ask her DD to text her if this happens and she wants to come home. A written trail will be helpful if they need to change the court order.

Its not up to you to dictate how he spends his contact time, just as he can't say anything about when you choose to go out whrn you have her. and at 12 your daughter should be saying she doesn't want to go.

Seriously?

The OP hasn’t said she wants to dictate anything.

She wants him to want to spend time with his own child. To want to care for them when they’ve been unwell. To want to prioritise them over partying.

You know, behave like a parent / decent human being?

What’s the father of your children like? Mine is light years better than this specimen, thank God.

How often does he see her? My DH has 50/50 and we arrange the vast majority of social occasions around my DSD. The odd thing that can’t be moved like a wedding or a big birthday function etc, we either leave her with grandparents or take her and leave earlier and don’t drink much. But you’re talking maybe 2-3 times a year if that. For a casual night out with friends, it’s a big no from me, he can do that when you have her!

Good thinking! Yes, a written trail will help. It’s a shame he can’t just be a decent human being and be with his child for one night. Or at least be honest and say ‘you can sit bored in someone’s house while I get pissed or sit at my house alone while I get pissed.’ Then she’d know in advance to stay at home!

The bar is so low for fathers isn’t it? Imagine not seeing your kid for three weeks (and she’s been unwell during this time) and you still just go out and leave her alone?

of course you are allowed a social life as a parent but this is really poor behaviour, and it’s astonishing that people think it’s ok.

Have you actually read the OP ?

My exh fought me for access. He got it for 2 of 4 dc due to aggressive behaviour.. He took those 2 (3+4)to house parties where they slept on chairs til he walked them back to his house.. Judge deemed a difference in parenting styles...
Glad you collected your dd op.

Your poor daughter!
How can he just let this be normal for her, she's bloody 12!
Once in a while doesn't hurt, but regularly isn't on.

I think occasionally using a sitter or grandparents is ok. His time his responsibility. I’ve done this when I’ve had something I can’t rearrange, but we’re talking 2/3 a year.

if it’s frequent or not important then I can understand why she’d be a bit disappointed.

She can want him to do a lot of things, doesn't mean he will. Yeah he aounds pretty shit, but still doean't mean she gets a say in how he spends his contact time

YANBU

How often does he see her and how often does this happen?

I think it’s fine if it’s a very rare occasion and he leaves her with someone trustworthy but this sounds like it’s a regular thing.

Have you spoke to him about being flexible with days if he’s got a work do or something?

It’s ridiculous as you can’t ever plan anything or go out yourself incase you need to pick your child up.

Its more the fact he isn't listening to his dd. She doesn't want to go out so he shpuld stay home

She can want him to do a lot of things, doesn't mean he will.

No kidding.

Not enough information here - who did he leave her with? Was it his works christmas do or something?

There’s more than enough information throughout the thread from the OP for anyone who holds men/fathers to the same standard as women/mothers.

Clearly there’s not enough information for sub-standard male apologists, though.

Entitled to a social life??? I’m sure he has plenty time for a social life when he doesn’t have his child!! 12 years old is far too young to be left in alone at night, I might go to Asda at night and leave my son in but I certainly wouldn’t be out drinking or leaving him for any length of time.

Unfortunately for decent separated parents there are parents who do worse than that when they take their children to parties.

There is enough information.

The 12 year old went to see her father after him not seeing her for 3 weeks including when she was unwell in hospital. He then decided to go out to a party rather than spend time with her.

Contact time is for the parent and child who don't live together the majority of the time to spend time together.

If the parent - father in this case - can't be bothered to spend time with his 12 year old child - she can then choose to vote with her feet and not be there when he comes back from his party.

I grew up with a school friend whose mother did similar, and after that met a few more people whose mothers also did similar.

Unfortunately some adults are shitty parents and simply selfish regardless of their sex. They then wonder why their adult child has very little to do with them.

Who is he leaving her with? Cuddled up with Granny is very different to home alone with a pot noodle. At 12 she's old enough to say she doesn't want to go. I'd be making sure she kept regular contact at that age, but I wouldn't be forcing over night stays.

Yanbu op my ex had our children once a week and most weeks left them with his parents so he could still go drinking. It's a shitty thing to do and let's the child know where they stand in their parents life.

Yeah this is/was my major issue with my ex and one that still persists today. My DD is much younger than yours but I could foresee years of him ditching her for a party. YANBU.