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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on holiday with this man?

88 replies

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:14

I'm a thirty year old woman and around 6 years ago I met a man who is now 44.

So back then I was 24 and he was 38. We met in a bar, me with my friend and him with him. I was very drunk, me and him shared a kiss and he then put me in a taxi, waved me off and that was the last time I seen him.

However, on the night, I gave him my name and he added me on Facebook. Since then we have been in touch every few months. He has had a few girlfriends in the meantime and I have remained single. But we have always talked.

A lot of our chat has been dirty, I'd say I've never spoken to anyone as dirty as him and I have found it exciting over the years due to my being single.

He has a good job but I must say I do often wonder, if he is 'all that' why is he still single at 44. Last week he asked me if I'd be free to go abroad with him in February, on him (bearing in mind I haven't seen him in person since 6 years ago, although we have spoke on the phone and text).

To be honest I am totally tempted but before I mention this to my friends and family I need someone to tell me whether this is an awful idea or a very romantic one.

He has tried to get me out on dates very recently but I've been so busy and to be honest, I'm not sure how interested I am.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 17/12/2022 21:50

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:22

He has asked me on dates the past six years, I've never been interested. It's only now that I'm starting to feel differently.

Show quote history

Because there’s a free holiday in the offing?…

Original poster
seankay · 17/12/2022 21:50

NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 21:43

He wants to treat you to a holiday so he can week long sex with you.

Doesn't sound awful

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 21:55

He wants to treat you to a holiday so he can week long sex with you.
Doesn't sound awful
If you like the sound of that then go for it, it’s a win, win situation. You want to go and he saves a small fortune compared to hiring a sex worker for a week.

AlisonDonut · 17/12/2022 22:00

What is the point of safety messages when women think 'i know, I'll go on a solo holiday with a random man I met once'?

FictionalCharacter · 17/12/2022 22:05

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:50

Doesn't sound awful

Show quote history

Might not be awful. Might be fine if that’s what you want and the two of you turn out to be compatible. On the the hand he might be violent, aggressive, a pervert or just terrible in bed. And you’d be stuck there with him, unless you had cash and a plan ready to get out quickly if you wanted to.
Alternatively you could be wiser and get to know someone properly before going off on holiday with him.

Cosycover · 17/12/2022 22:07

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:50

Doesn't sound awful

Show quote history

Or he could have bad hygiene and a tiny willy.

Go on a few dates here first at least.

BatshitBanshee · 17/12/2022 22:11

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:50

Doesn't sound awful

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Till you get there and discover he has a micropenis and no respect for boundaries. Or wears socks with sandals.

I mean, your choice. But at least bone him meet him here first before you jet off on a jolly.

FlamingJingleBells · 17/12/2022 22:24

Prioritise your personal safety first unless you want to end up in a body bag or trafficked as a sex worker abroad. Consider why he is so keen to get you alone, abroad and away from your personal networks.

www.suzylamplugh.org/

Britinme · 17/12/2022 22:28

I roared with laughter at @BatshitBanshee 's post above, and totally agree with it. I once (briefly) dated a guy I liked and had things in common with, but the micropenis was a dealbreaker for me and it went nowhere after that.

Testina · 17/12/2022 22:41

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:50

Doesn't sound awful

Show quote history

Well it does if he’s shit at sex, or only into his stuff and not yours 🤷🏻‍♀️
You need to at least fuck him in the U.K. first.

I’m bemused that you see this as an awful idea or a romantic idea.

Surely the options are a pick of awful, fun, dangerous, exciting… but not “romantic” 🤣

It could be an amazing week, it could be terrible - but it’s really not romantic.

And it’s grim that you haven’t wanted to date him - or even meet for a fuck - but you seem to be OK with swapping sex for a free holiday.

Whattodo182 · 17/12/2022 22:43

seankay · 17/12/2022 21:50

Doesn't sound awful

Show quote history

Cheap and skanky

Women are worth more than this. Even those of us who enjoy sex. Have a word.

Sirius3030 · 17/12/2022 22:45

He will probably have unusual sexual tastes. Good luck.

coconotgrove · 17/12/2022 23:20

I've just come back from a weekend in NYC with a guy I had one dinner date with during the autumn. We had an amazing time and are already arranging another trip. As a precaution, I had money to stay elsewhere if things went badly, and as we live in different countries anyway (he's American), I wasn't traveling with him.

Before I agreed to go, I outlined my boundaries and expectations, as did he. He was incredibly courteous and considerate, and didn't try anything that wasn't already agreed.

If I was OP, I would go for it.

Shol · 17/12/2022 23:29

Why not do things normally? Meet up a few times in UK, do normal dates, eventually have sex, see if you still like each other. Then if you become a couple, then go on holiday.

Right now you’re pondering whether to have sex with a total stranger in return for a free holiday. That’s similar to prostitution.

What if you go on the holiday, then discover he’s violent / repulsive? Can you afford to buy a last minute flight home?

If you’ve been exchanging dirty messages for six years without meeting then this is all beyond weird. And if he’s got to age 44 without ever settling down then that means something.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 18/12/2022 00:52

Actually agreed with others but ensure you have a back up plan (somewhere else to stay and money for a flight home otherwise). I’ve been stuck with my nightmare boyfriend abroad and luckily ensured I had my flight home money after a week abroad with him. You do not want to be abroad if it goes wrong and you have nowhere safe to go and also you have no idea of his personality, if he turns nasty etc. and FGS ensure you tell someone where/who you’re going with for safety reasons.

CathyBoardman · 18/12/2022 01:15

No

MsJinks · 18/12/2022 06:47

However unlikely I’d also suggest you be aware of any illegal activity- I did once know someone intimidated into bringing drugs back into the U.K. after a free holiday, they were very young. Whilst this may be highly unlikely it is possible he does drugs and would take some out or buy some there and depending where you are going that could be not great or dire.
You don’t know how he behaves generally and what he likes to do - apart from the obvious - I mean he could get outrageously drunk, or rude, or violent- not just with you but with other people and there could be problems.
Actually if you are a last minute replacement that sounds better than just wanting to whisk you off abroad randomly after 6 years - a week long sex fest could be done at least as easily in the U.K, so why take you away?
Meet him first a few times and get plans in place to protect your personal safety if you do go.

Rumplestrumpet · 18/12/2022 06:55

Yeah I can see how it sounds a bit exciting and romantic. But then switch off the Hollywood filter and remember the serious, life-threatening risks it would involve. Micro-penis and BO are the least of your worries, sex trafficking is what I'd worry about. And then everything in between.

Honestly, you're not a kid anymore you know the movies lie, and that there are some incredibly dangerous men out there. By all means go on a date with him in the UK but even then remember he has only shown you one side of himself and most of what you think you know about him has been created in your mind over the past 6 years.

FatEaredFuck · 18/12/2022 07:00

FlamingJingleBells · 17/12/2022 22:24

Prioritise your personal safety first unless you want to end up in a body bag or trafficked as a sex worker abroad. Consider why he is so keen to get you alone, abroad and away from your personal networks.

www.suzylamplugh.org/

💙

At least meet in UK.

harrassedmumto3 · 18/12/2022 07:06

He has asked me on dates the past six years, I've never been interested. It's only now that I'm starting to feel differently.

When there's a free holiday on the go? Confused

curiouslycinnamon · 18/12/2022 07:11

Chances are, this is all fine. But as a few people have said already, trafficking is a real thing and you need to have it in your mind.

The warning signs I'm seeing are:

  • quite a bit older than you,
  • you don't actually know him all that well,
  • lots of sex talk/ making you feel good about yourself
  • he wants to go abroad alone with you

This is typical behaviour, wanting to get you away from your family/ friends, alone, to an unfamiliar place.

Just please think about it very carefully.

I would strongly recommend getting to know him by going on dates in this country for at least 6-12 months before going on holiday.

GhostBridezilla · 18/12/2022 07:16

Jesus no. Have you taken leave of your senses? This has disaster written all over it.
Get him to take you to dinner before a fumble in a dark alley like everyone else with a Fuck Buddy.

Frenchfancy · 18/12/2022 07:21

curiouslycinnamon · 18/12/2022 07:11

Chances are, this is all fine. But as a few people have said already, trafficking is a real thing and you need to have it in your mind.

The warning signs I'm seeing are:

  • quite a bit older than you,
  • you don't actually know him all that well,
  • lots of sex talk/ making you feel good about yourself
  • he wants to go abroad alone with you

This is typical behaviour, wanting to get you away from your family/ friends, alone, to an unfamiliar place.

Just please think about it very carefully.

I would strongly recommend getting to know him by going on dates in this country for at least 6-12 months before going on holiday.

6-12 months before you would even go on a holiday! You're having a laugh. I went on my honeymoon 4 months after meeting DH.

OP. Agree to go on the proviso of a couple of dates first. And make sure you take a credit card with enough funds to get you a new hotel and a flight home.

Greybutterfly · 18/12/2022 07:21

What do you want from this? You said yourself your not sure your interested so why waste your time. If your going just for sex meet up before and check you have chemistry.
Whatever you do just meet up in person before what happens if you can’t bear their company for more than a couple of hours.

curiouslycinnamon · 18/12/2022 07:25

Frenchfancy · 18/12/2022 07:21

6-12 months before you would even go on a holiday! You're having a laugh. I went on my honeymoon 4 months after meeting DH.

OP. Agree to go on the proviso of a couple of dates first. And make sure you take a credit card with enough funds to get you a new hotel and a flight home.

Show quote history

I went abroad with my DH a few months after meeting him too.

In this situation though - OP is in her 20's and I'm guessing a young attractive woman.

This guy is in his 40's, seems to have been single a long time, main communication in the form of dirty messages making her feel good about herself, suddenly announces he wants to go abroad with her after having no dates.

In that situation yeah, I'm suspicious of the guy's motives and would advise getting to know him for a longer time before jumping into a holiday abroad.

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