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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ? Over sensitive. Dh and Christmas

83 replies

Busytimes · 17/12/2022 18:03

Dh hates christmas.
yesterday i started decorating.
him . Isnt it too early .? i hate it . ( one small tree and a christmas star)
was going to do lights outside .. oh are we ?

today
post supermarket shop
me ooh got lots cheeses .
dh ooh nice
me and three types stuffing .
why did you do that

treat drink out
we must not be frivolus

he does nothing for c mas apart from wrap
i buy gifts all year round so that things are chewper
eg
i got a beautiful half price gift in summer for a gift for now . It takes effort and awareness .

ive been careful, thoughtful, frugal .

yes things are tight but not unmangable. Ive offered to get more work .
surely christmas is the one time to be frivolous?
its the attitude.
out grown dc are coming i am try look after and treat
hes mentioned already they shoukd cook too . Ive told him if they have travelled we should cook and host ar least for first four days or so without ask rhem to muck in ?

help me get some perspective please am cross 🤶

OP posts:
Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 23:23

Its the l latter point .
the fact that he immediately asked for lists of what to buy , what was needed suggests he is going to do things .
its jot point scoring. I am just fed up of compliants around my efforts.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/12/2022 23:26

Why don't you both sit down and discuss expectations of Christmas and come up with a plan?

Right now he's a bit of a Grinch and doesn't seem particularly interested in a fussy Christmas and you seem to think it's unreasonable for your adult children to lift a finger for most of a week.

There seems to be a mismatch which isn't going to resolve itself whilst he's making negative comments about stuff and you're saying "fine well you sort Christmas".

Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 23:29

Hitmewithahotnote

No i don't want fuss and drama .. I did want my dh to look forward to looking after our dc as a team and giving them a homely Christmas together . Eg enjoy putting up a tree for them and us together . Thats not drama .

OP posts:
Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 23:35

Yes I think I've has a bit of a over reaction tho . I will talk to him . I just want to share the enjoy the idea of our dc coming home together, plan it together, do it together
for example. Yesterday we went to our nearest city.
it was clear he didn't like it . So i said ok why dont you sit in a cafe and i will do the shopping. I wanted him to say of course not we wil do it together. But .. he sat having tea . I did it .

i want him to want to join in and maybe i need to let go of that .

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/12/2022 00:24

From your update it does sound like a communication issue.

He's not up for Christmas shopping, so rather than explain that you're looking forward to doing it together or talking about which presents he's going to be sorting, you saw he wasn't enjoying it, gave him a free pass to stay in a cafe and then have been upset that someone who doesn't like Christmas shopping took the option of not Christmas shopping.

I don't think you need to let go of him joining in Christmas, but you do probably need to adjust your expectations and he needs to reign in the negative comments.

He might enjoy the children being home, but understandably doesn't see why you and him should be hosting them like it's a hotel for most of a week.

If you want to enjoy something Christmasy with him, and he hates christmas shopping, maybe make a plan for the two of you to do something festive together that you'll both enjoy.

Original poster
Busytimes · 18/12/2022 09:05

Thats a hood idea ( last reply))
i dont think he would enjoy anything festive like a drink in a pub ( hates the decorations etc ) but would like a non festive walk for eg .
i think the word or feeling Of being festive is not for him. I have discussed , as he hates the consumerism ,that he thinks about a lonely person , contribute to a food bank.
which i have arranged this year as he didnt .
his answer is he doesn't want a gift and to giie the money to charity that we would have soent….
if thats classed as festive then will do that next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busytimes · 18/12/2022 09:16

to clarify
explained i am choosing not to hold all the mental holding of all the food , activities , cleaning , prep anymore.
i am happy to do jobs etc .
big relief.

OP posts:
DesertSolitaire · 18/12/2022 09:17

As an adult I'd not visit my parents and expect to be waited on for 4 or more days, and thankfully my parents have the sense not to make a huge fuss and drama out of waiting on us all.

Yep. 'Hosting' adult children seems bizarre to me, I love Christmas but would still find it annoying if someone was getting in a flap about meal plans etc. for close relatives.

Original poster
Busytimes · 18/12/2022 09:28

its is not just close relatives . For the first four days 23 onward it is . After that it is dc partners and their parents .this is until new year for some ofnthat group .
ive had to co ordinate activities and other gift too as there is a birthday amongst it also .

OP posts:
Disneyvillain · 18/12/2022 09:38

Maybe he’s stressed/overwhelmed about having so many visitors. My dad would have been.

Original poster
Busytimes · 18/12/2022 09:41

Yes he is . So am i .

OP posts:
Craver · 18/12/2022 09:42

I don't particularly like Christmas particularly as it seems to start earlier each year. Shops started selling Christmas stuff in September here!
But I know my partner loves it, so I have learned it's easier to get involved and enter into the spirit of things..

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 18/12/2022 09:44

I'm not a massive Christmas person (I'm Jewish for a start!), but DP gets so excited about it, his happiness is contagious and I've definitely enjoyed it a lot more since we've been together.

Some people just don't enjoy any sort of festivities, sadly. I agree OP that Christmas is a time to be a bit more frivolous, and bloody hell don't we all need a bit of joy at the moment?

Fraaahnces · 18/12/2022 09:53

I’d start calling him Victor Meldrew and telling him you’ve started researching retirement homes for him. Sometimes I think they just live to hear the sound of their own voice even if it is just to whinge.

PearlclutchersInc · 18/12/2022 09:57

He does sound a bit bah humbug so don't bother with anything for him and see what the reaction is ...
Your adult kids can muck in right from the get go though. Travelling isn't that tiring and they're not fragile little flowers.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 18/12/2022 09:58

I love Christmas, but have to say that if DH told me he'd bought 3 types of stuffing my honest response would be "Why?"

Original poster
Busytimes · 18/12/2022 10:52

Because i am the only veggie and i use stuffimg as an add on like other people have things like pigs in blankets .
he knows it is also for
boxing day. And another day when we have guests .
so one lot per meal !!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Busytimes · 18/12/2022 10:53

Anyway he has gone our shipping now with a face like a slapped you know what . And i am doing the pretty things like get the logs in for the fire . Bliss .

OP posts:
OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 18/12/2022 11:42

Have you ever done Xmas his way, OP?

thelobsterquadrille · 18/12/2022 11:56

Did he want such a huge family Christmas? That would my idea of hell, to be quite honest. I'd find it really stressful and overwhelming.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 18/12/2022 12:20

Busytimes · 18/12/2022 09:05

Thats a hood idea ( last reply))
i dont think he would enjoy anything festive like a drink in a pub ( hates the decorations etc ) but would like a non festive walk for eg .
i think the word or feeling Of being festive is not for him. I have discussed , as he hates the consumerism ,that he thinks about a lonely person , contribute to a food bank.
which i have arranged this year as he didnt .
his answer is he doesn't want a gift and to giie the money to charity that we would have soent….
if thats classed as festive then will do that next time.

December is a really tough month for me. The Xmas stuff is utterly overwhelming. People trying to cajole you into liking something is exhausting.

I don’t want or need anything. When we did presents most of what I was given (tat) went to the charity shop which was a huge waste of time and money for all concerned. So now we do give generously to charity instead (all year, not just winter).

You won’t find me in a shop or pub that plays Xmas music ad nauseam. Or going for Xmas meals. I’ll meet friends in places that haven’t lost their minds. I don’t want to do a Xmas quiz or sit around in a Xmas jumper.

I’ve been veggie for over 30 years. Imagine someone trying to force you to eat bacon or a
mixed grill every 10 minutes for about 3 months of the year and you might get somewhere close to the utter annoyance of people trying to drag you into their festive wonderland.

Just leave your husband out of it as he is asking you to do. Why does your wish have to be granted at his expense?

LolaSmiles · 18/12/2022 12:35

its is not just close relatives . For the first four days 23 onward it is . After that it is dc partners and their parents .this is until new year for some ofnthat group .
ive had to co ordinate activities and other gift too as there is a birthday amongst it also .

That sounds stressful, even to someone like me who enjoys Christmas.

Why do you need to coordinate activities for a bunch of adults, have menus, do so much because adult children can't muck in etc?

Are they not capable of occupying themselves?

It sounds like a lot of self-imposed forced festivities when not everyone enjoys that, and one has been quite explicit about what they don't enjoy about that sort of celebration.

SinnerBoy · 18/12/2022 12:43

I don't like Christmas, but DW does. When I was single, I had no decorations, or tree. I'd send and receive cards, mainly to be polite. After we were married, it was full on and I joined in, to keep her happy.

Now we have a DD, I help and join in, as you can't spoil it for kids. I always end up doing the dinner and am knackered and usually end up in bed early. I think the only thing I like is seeing DD opening her presents.

Zeplease · 18/12/2022 12:56

I am doing it fornthe adult dc .. they want ro come home and have a traditional c mas
.
the reason i have to be very organised is because we are doing it on a limited amount of money .. if i am not organised and or do set meal s they will eat all the snacks etc or when am out or possibly make a meal with stuff earmarked for somethings else By mistake .

My annoyance is ny dh wants to make it nice for dc bit relies on me to do the mental thinking behindit . No idea
what we will eat , leave beds not made up .
my organisation is not obsssive its making preps so people can be comfortable ( fresh bedding )
fed( menu plans , we are rural we cant nip to a shop that does not open beyond 5 if we run out of milk) presents . Its not all singing and dancing . I just want to share it not be in charge . I am not mad on christmas myself which is why I want help to do something i am not that keen on .

sueelleker · 18/12/2022 13:01

Is his first name Ebenezer?