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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ? Over sensitive. Dh and Christmas

83 replies

Busytimes · 17/12/2022 18:03

Dh hates christmas.
yesterday i started decorating.
him . Isnt it too early .? i hate it . ( one small tree and a christmas star)
was going to do lights outside .. oh are we ?

today
post supermarket shop
me ooh got lots cheeses .
dh ooh nice
me and three types stuffing .
why did you do that

treat drink out
we must not be frivolus

he does nothing for c mas apart from wrap
i buy gifts all year round so that things are chewper
eg
i got a beautiful half price gift in summer for a gift for now . It takes effort and awareness .

ive been careful, thoughtful, frugal .

yes things are tight but not unmangable. Ive offered to get more work .
surely christmas is the one time to be frivolous?
its the attitude.
out grown dc are coming i am try look after and treat
hes mentioned already they shoukd cook too . Ive told him if they have travelled we should cook and host ar least for first four days or so without ask rhem to muck in ?

help me get some perspective please am cross 🤶

OP posts:
Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 18:38

He wd be totally happy without a gift or Christmas

OP posts:
Redmushrooms · 17/12/2022 18:40

we must not be frivolus

Oh yes, we must. Would be my reply.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/12/2022 18:42

Busytimes · 17/12/2022 18:36

I dont know why ammso cross. Why maripisista wiuld you be livid .. 8 cant quite get to grips with it .. ie why i am so cross .

Is it because you've had a fair amount of Bailey's... going by your typos 😂

TBF to your H, he clearly doesn't like Xmas and perhaps finds it difficult if he doesn't even want gifts for himself. He made an effort when the DC were small, in all honesty I wouldn't blame him now if he took himself off for Xmas and let you and your DC be festive without him.

I personally love xmas but I know some people do find it very hard.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 17/12/2022 18:45

knittingaddict · 17/12/2022 18:26

They are right though.

Show quote history

Yes, we are right.

And it’s been a long time since I cared about being called ‘rude’ for asking an obvious question.

Which ‘interestingly’ (playing fast and loose with the word ‘interesting’) hasn’t been answered, because there isn’t an answer.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 17/12/2022 18:47

But back to the OP.

Just have fun with it. Blithely ignore him, and/or heartily agree with him. Yes, isn’t it great to be frivolous at Christmas, tra la la…!

Andsoforth · 17/12/2022 18:51

Is money a big part of the issue? Would it help to work out and agree a budget, and a saving plan?

I’m like you in that I spread the cost across the year, but if it looks to him like expense-expense-expense maybe you need to spell it out for him?

(I’d start by totting up what it would cost if you weren’t so savvy, and rolling back from that)

Anewhoo · 17/12/2022 18:53

You both have different expectations. Nobody is wrong.

SeeYouNextTLol · 17/12/2022 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 👏👏👏👏👏

thelobsterquadrille · 17/12/2022 19:07

He's not wrong, he just feels differently to you.

If you want to do multiple types of stuffing, outdoor lights and fancy trees, then knock yourself out, but you can't really force another adult to care about those things - especially when you don't have small children at home anymore.

We don't do a big Christmas in our house - we have no DC and multiple animals and it just isn't worth the hassle. The cats destroy the tree and it's just an extra chore to fuss with. We still have a lovely break without all that stuff.

That said, if you want to do it, he shouldn't stop you.

Besttobe8001 · 17/12/2022 19:59

I admit I'd be a bit 🤔if someone told me they'd got three types of stuffing. Especially if I usually have to save money by not getting a takeaway for example.

I don't love Christmas and I wouldn't take kindly to someone telling me I had to find joy in it in my own home. If he made the effort when the children were young then does he have to continue making an effort forever for a whole month for something he doesn't like? Do you ever do that for him in return?

Circumferences · 17/12/2022 20:04

Is he from Yorkshire by any chance?

This is normal in Yorkshire.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 17/12/2022 20:09

Busytimes · 17/12/2022 18:21

Its the lack of joy !

DH and I hate Xmas equally. The worst thing about it is the enforced joy by others.

Why can’t you Xmas lovers do what you want to do and just leave us alone?

(This week alone I’ve been mocked for not having
a tree, not having a Xmas jumper, not having any present buying to do, not been stockpiling mince pies since April. If your DH was Jewish or Muslim you wouldn’t be expecting him to join in. 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 20:16

No he is not from yorkshire . My famiky are and they are not like this .

OP posts:
SomethingOriginal2 · 17/12/2022 20:31

What a glorious shit show of a thread 🤣

Tbh I'd be a bit 🤨 at three types of Stuffing but he does sound like a Grinch.

Mariposista · 17/12/2022 20:54

Busytimes · 17/12/2022 18:36

I dont know why ammso cross. Why maripisista wiuld you be livid .. 8 cant quite get to grips with it .. ie why i am so cross .

Because he is shattering your illusion and spirit, deliberately not making an effort. He knows full well that Christmas is important to you and he is sabotaging it. It would be a deal breaker for me, I couldn’t bear to be around him. So childish.

JenniferBarkley · 17/12/2022 21:03

That would really annoy me OP. Especially at your stage of life, DH and I were only talking earlier about how we loved going "home" for Christmas as young adults and getting a bit spoiled.

I'm assuming you're not spending money you don't have, and that there isn't some other reason like a bereavement at Christmastime.

And yes, quoting the OP is fucking annoying, and doing it as the first reply is absolutely ridiculous.

Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 21:05

Yes its like
i am try to make it nice and every time i do it feels like a sad feeling comes due to his distinct lack of enthusiasm.
three lots of stuffing was because its for 6 people over 2 day s and is hardly frivolous. He know s damm well i collect gifts all year to spears the cost too .he is the person who wd make it expensive as he wd go and buy stuff in a panic the week before .

OP posts:
Fufumcgoo · 17/12/2022 21:05

Are you drunk op?

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 17/12/2022 21:13

Hope you’re 110% enthusiasm for the things he really loves OP.

MysteryBelle · 17/12/2022 21:26

Tell him to please stop raining on your parade and stomping on your Christmas spirit. Nothing like a Scrooge to ruin the holiday. Especially as it’d be nice to enjoy it together. You’ve done nothing wrong and actually you’re the person who cares about family, he should appreciate you. Try talking to him again.

Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 22:54

Ive had a bit of a hissy fit .
ive said he has rained on my parade . Ive told him to do Christmas as he likes as i don't feel appreciated.
all the gifts wrapped .
foodbank gifts done .
menus planned .
much of food ordered.
I have said over to you now . Do it your way .

He has asked for the lists of
meals I've planned and for what days and what guests are comming when .
Ive said I will of course help but i wont organize or run the show . Most of it is done organizational wise except for buffet / fresh food . He can do as little as he feels comfy with and i wont hear any complaints now as he is in drivers seat .

OP posts:
Original poster
Busytimes · 17/12/2022 22:56

He looks terrified.. but trying to hide it .

i am sure i will do it really 😂

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/12/2022 23:05

I don't think either of you is particularly wrong. You just have different ideas of what Christmas should be like.

It seems childish to me for the person who loves the fuss of Christmas to get moody and hand over Christmas to the person who doesn't because it feels like a point scoring mission. If he doesn't do Christmas how you think it should be you'll take it as a victory and if he decides he doesn't want the fuss of Christmas then you'll claim he's deliberately ruining Christmas.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 17/12/2022 23:10

….or, the point will be well and truly made that he does want it, but he wants someone else to organise and do it all, while he sits and moans.

LolaSmiles · 17/12/2022 23:21

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce

Maybe, though it does sound like the OP has form for being a bit of a martyr, which probably makes it more hurtful when her DH is more of a Grinch about some things. They seem to have different ideas about Christmas.

The OP seems to think her husband is unreasonable for expecting adult children to muck in around Christmas, and that they should be waited on for 4 or more days, which does give the image of wanting to do all festive fuss.

As an adult I'd not visit my parents and expect to be waited on for 4 or more days, and thankfully my parents have the sense not to make a huge fuss and drama out of waiting on us all.