DH doesn’t want to spend time with my DM

[edelweisscandle]

Looking for perspectives on this.

My father died suddenly just over two years ago, he was relatively young (64). Since then my mum has really struggled to cope. I’m an only child and she has no other family and very few friends, she doesn’t work or have any hobbies and she’s very lonely and depressed.

When she comes to visit it’s really hard, she is just so sad all the time, she never wants to go out or do anything. It’s hard to have a conversation with her as she has no real interest in anything and she will sometimes drink too much at dinner which is awkward. Sometimes DH or I will book something for her to do with the kids, we always ask her first and she says she’s up for it but then they will go for an hour or so and she will text to say they’re ready to come home so one of us has to go and pick her up (she doesn’t drive).

She’s coming to stay for a week over Christmas and DH has just announced he is going to go and stay with his brother for 4 days after Xmas day, he has offered to take the kids so I can have a break. He has never done this before and won’t admit it but I know it’s because of my DM and because he doesn’t want to be around her.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable to feel annoyed with him. Or if I should feel annoyed with my DM even though I know it’s not her fault. She just can’t move past her grief, she never used to be like this but I don’t know how to help her.

If she is struggling then the GP can refer her to bereavement counselling.
If there is a social prescriber in her area they may be able to signpost her to activities, support or friendship groups/befriending services.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father, and I understand it must be difficult for her, but if she is affecting your marriage then she is leaning too heavily on you. You can’t be her everything at the detriment to your marriage and the DC’s childhood.

It is frustrating but she’s refusing to go to the GP, and she definitely won’t go to any activities as she says she doesn’t feel ready.

Honestly I don’t think she will ever be ready. She hasn’t cleared out his belongings yet either.

I just feel so stuck in the middle. I agree with what you’re saying but she has nobody else but me, it is so hard.

I don't think you should be annoyed with your DH about this, I can imagine that the thought of a whole week of this is just too much for him (he'll be there for three days of her visit, right?). At least he's offered to take the kids and give you a break - make the most of that!

Honestly my mum is also struggling after a much more recent bereavement and I understand that while she needs support its not the best atmosphere for the whole of my family. This is kind of the reverse situation to all those threads where husband or partner invite a difficult family member and poster say 'Why don't you go book yourself into a hotel' etc. It would have been better for him to be more honest about his motives for sure, but ultimately for a lot of us the time off around Christmas is really precious and he will still be there for half the stay by the sound of it.

You can't blame him. I would be doing the same. There's only so much of that you can take. Perhaps have a talk with your mother about how much her attitude is impact everyone around her.

To be honest if your DH has offered to take the kids with him (and it's a genuine offering not a grudging one), I don't know that he has done too much wrong really.

He is facilitating you spending time with your mother; he isn't obliged to spend time with her himself as she's not his mother. Even if she was lovely, he might not enjoy having her to stay for a week.

Did you even speak to your husband before inviting her to stay over for so long?

This.

I've been in this situation. You are obviously very close to your mum. Your DH is not, and expecting him to support her to that extent is simply not fair.

Let him go away with the DCs. Remember it can't be much fun for them either.

I don’t blame him. It sounds like your mother is unwilling to take any steps to improve things or to meet people halfway.

I’d actually be really grateful to a DH for this, and I’d send the children with him to protect them for also being dragged down by your dm.

When she’s asks why they’ve gone I’d also tell her. In a kind way of course. However this might be the kick up the ass that she needs to realise the world does t revolve around her and it’s selfish to pull everyone else into her depression

Oh and this is your issue to deal with.

If it was the other way round, people would say, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband / wife problem.

You need to pull your mum up on this behaviour.

Yes and he said he was fine with it. She lives a long way away so doesn’t come to stay that often.

He has been very supportive as they used to get on well but I think he’s just at the end of his tether now. We all thought she would get better over time but nothing has changed and if anything she’s more sad and depressed than she was just after it happened.

I don't blame him either. She sounds just awful to be around.

Why doesn't she have a job or hobbies or friends? Why don't she go to the GP?

She's really young.

Do you ever get brisk and firm or do you just do sympathy?

I struggle to spend even a few hours with those in mourning, sometimes years after the event.

It’s obviously difficult for people to move on sometimes, after a lifetime together, losing their partner, so it’s understandable, but it doesn’t make it any less unbearable.

DH is doing the right thing, taking the kids….

Would she speak to Cruse? Bereavement coundellors?

I think your DH should probably be honest (it's likely he knows you know why) but I don't really blame him. It can be very draining to be around this sort of atmosphere for such a long time.

Is there anything you think could make a breakthrough with your DM? Grief is complicated but it does sound like your DM could benefit from something now.

Let him take the kids for a break and sit and try to have a proper talk with her. Sometimes you need to be a bit blunt and shake her into realising she can’t go on like this. She can’t spend the rest of her life like this.

She has only a couple of good friends and I’m hoping to get the chance to speak to one of them when I give my DM a lift home and see if she has any ideas.

Otherwise I am totally out of things to try, my DM just refuses all help. I have suggested cruse but she just won’t.

Then I'd be really irritated with him for jumping ship at Christmas. He shouldn't commit to things he's not prepared to follow through on, that's just twatish behaviour.

I do however think you should have a firm chat with your Mum that she needs to start helping herself. It's totally unreasonable for you to have to babysit her alone at Christmas. How utterly miserable. It's not helping her, just dragging you all down too.

She’s coming to stay for a week over Christmas and DH has just announced he is going to go and stay with his brother for 4 days after Xmas day, he has offered to take the kids so I can have a break. He has never done this before and won’t admit it but I know it’s because of my DM and because he doesn’t want to be around her.

So he'll be spending about 3 days with her?
Fair enough.
Enjoy the break, schedule in some things you enjoy, encourage mum to join in, but if she won't - you go & do them anyway.

You can't blame him for not wanting a 3rd adult in his marriage.
Neither he OR you are her therapist - & it sounds like she needs one. Did she receive any bereavement counselling? Can you encourage her to access support?

It’s a really hard situation

Your first duty is to yourself, followed by your kids and your husband - they are your immediate family and as a rule, they have to take priority over your mum.

Obviously your mum being widowed is a time you might need to prioritise her, but 2 years in that has to start to change.

what’s more, you really aren’t doing your mum any favours facilitating this behaviour - she needs to get some help for her depression and to start building up a life. Assuming she’s somewhere in her sixties she probably has another 20 years if not more.

Your husbands offer is reasonable. Let him take the kids. Spend some time with her, and as part of that explain to her that she needs to start building her life up now, and you want to support her to do that. If she won’t, that’s her choice, but you cannot continue to be her crutch.

Next year discuss with your husband how long you are jointly happy to have her. A week is an awful long time - 2 days to 4 days I would say, depending how she is getting herself together.

My DM was like this when my DF died, and she never did recover. She was incredibly exhausting to be around and made no effort at all to recover - no bereavement counselling, nothing. I wouldn't have had her at mine for a week, no way.

I think you should accept your DH's offer to take himself and the DC away, spend the time with your mum and be honest about the fact that you are worried about her mental state.

Sorry you had this too. At first I thought this would be temporary but I’m starting to think she will be the same and never recover, as a PP said she could have another twenty years left (she’s nearly 66).

Don’t risk falling out with your mum by bringing this up with her. It could ruin things between you and her forever.
She is a grieving lonely and very broken lady by the sound of things.
I would take the opportunity to be with her, just you & her to talk about your dad, reminiscing and looking at pictures. Go home with her, go to the grave, spend time at her house.
If it weee me, I would go to her world, just for a few days instead of desperately trying to coax her into yours.
Just be with her.
you never know what is coming round the corner.

Thats what I would do, just once. It would mean so much.

I think your DH has come up with an excellent idea, no matter what his motivation is and your dc might not want to be around sad GM too and have some fun.

Your DM might also appreciate that it's just you and her too so she can let her grief flow when she might not if the whole family were there. And you can talk it through with her, it's your loss too.