DH doesn’t want to spend time with my DM

[edelweisscandle]

Looking for perspectives on this.

My father died suddenly just over two years ago, he was relatively young (64). Since then my mum has really struggled to cope. I’m an only child and she has no other family and very few friends, she doesn’t work or have any hobbies and she’s very lonely and depressed.

When she comes to visit it’s really hard, she is just so sad all the time, she never wants to go out or do anything. It’s hard to have a conversation with her as she has no real interest in anything and she will sometimes drink too much at dinner which is awkward. Sometimes DH or I will book something for her to do with the kids, we always ask her first and she says she’s up for it but then they will go for an hour or so and she will text to say they’re ready to come home so one of us has to go and pick her up (she doesn’t drive).

She’s coming to stay for a week over Christmas and DH has just announced he is going to go and stay with his brother for 4 days after Xmas day, he has offered to take the kids so I can have a break. He has never done this before and won’t admit it but I know it’s because of my DM and because he doesn’t want to be around her.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable to feel annoyed with him. Or if I should feel annoyed with my DM even though I know it’s not her fault. She just can’t move past her grief, she never used to be like this but I don’t know how to help her.

Your husband sounds very clued up. He's supporting you by not pressuring you.

Yes let him go with the children.

I can tell there are a lot of people here who have never been widowed. It happened to me when I was 30. I am now remarried but it was utterly devastating and I'm not 'over it' after seven years.

Your mum is in extreme pain. I don't blame your husband for not being able to cope with her, but please take up his offer, have some time just you and your DM, and have that honest conversation with her about how worried you are, and how you really want her to get help.

Your mum is in extreme pain. I don't blame your husband for not being able to cope with her

He IS coping with her, he is simply making a very sensible decision to spend half of his week off with MiL, & half away with his brother - taking his DC with him.

Apologies if that came off as peremptory @Sapphire387, as I am sorry for your loss & glad to know you are happily remarried.

Grief is not necessarily something that gets better,u just start to accept it a little more. Everyone is different. I think your husband is being reasonable. It's not as if hr is leaving the kids with you. It is difficult for you all. I would imagine it is very sombre. He does nit want it,nor want it for your children. It fir the best.

There's no blueprint for grief and I don't imagine that anyone can predict how they will feel when it happens. My mother was older - 87 - when she was widowed after 66 years. The first six months were terrible for her; she and my father had done literally everything together in retirement and most of their friends had died or lived a long distance away.

Five years on and she's nearly 93 and honestly unrecognisable. She's adept with online shopping and banking, has a newfound interest in the church and its social activities, various friends, took up driving again although mercifully has recently stopped. Last Friday we all went to the opera and didn't get back until after 1am and she loved it. So please take heart - things can turn around and your mother has (hopefully) plenty of time to turn things around.