DH doesn’t want to spend time with my DM

[edelweisscandle]

Looking for perspectives on this.

My father died suddenly just over two years ago, he was relatively young (64). Since then my mum has really struggled to cope. I’m an only child and she has no other family and very few friends, she doesn’t work or have any hobbies and she’s very lonely and depressed.

When she comes to visit it’s really hard, she is just so sad all the time, she never wants to go out or do anything. It’s hard to have a conversation with her as she has no real interest in anything and she will sometimes drink too much at dinner which is awkward. Sometimes DH or I will book something for her to do with the kids, we always ask her first and she says she’s up for it but then they will go for an hour or so and she will text to say they’re ready to come home so one of us has to go and pick her up (she doesn’t drive).

She’s coming to stay for a week over Christmas and DH has just announced he is going to go and stay with his brother for 4 days after Xmas day, he has offered to take the kids so I can have a break. He has never done this before and won’t admit it but I know it’s because of my DM and because he doesn’t want to be around her.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I don’t know if I’m unreasonable to feel annoyed with him. Or if I should feel annoyed with my DM even though I know it’s not her fault. She just can’t move past her grief, she never used to be like this but I don’t know how to help her.

It’s been two years now so I don’t think she is cut out for living alone. It’s not too early for her to consider sheltered accommodation or a retirement village if funds allow.

You watch she will be moving in next, I have seen it happen.

I am 59 my husband 64. I lost my first husband when I was 48. I realised I needed to build a new life for myself. It is simply not fair for your mum to refuse help and to not try to move on. I think my mum quite enjoyed the " my daughter widow" narrative and when I met my new husband in 2018 she was quite difficult (he died in 2012)
I struggled with my late husband's MIL who lost her husband in mid 60s she tried to blame me for ruining her last Christmas with him. (It was a sudden death 6 months later) I had to distance myself from her. Our relationship never recovered and she gave me no support when my husband, her son, was dying. In short. She needs to listen to you and I can understand your husband's thoughts and actions

If you are sad to miss out on this time with your children and husband, what about shortening your mothers visit, so they don’t feel they have to leave the house to enjoy their Christmas.

why doesn’t she work, have friends, drive etc?

Is this behaviour just the bereavement? Or was she prone to this type of ‘down’ mood even before your dad’s death?

I don't think your DH is doing anything wrong here. I would struggle to spend a week with my MIL at the best of times - don't get me wrong, she's a nice enough lady, but we don't have anything in common and I would find it very difficult to spend all that time with her.

Look at it this way - he's spending three days with your family, and then taking the children to see his family for a few days, giving you a chance to spend some quality time with your mum. While he might be doing it for selfish reasons, it's actually a really nice gesture.

I also think you need to remember that you're not responsible for your mum's grief and how she copes. She's only in her sixties and (presumably) of sound mind - it's her choice what she does. Don't let yourself feel guilty. It's not your fault she's behaving the way she is.

She has a driving licence but stopped driving years ago as my dad did all the driving and now she is too scared to start again.

She retired a couple of months before he died (awful timing). She enjoyed her job and I really wish she was still working.

She is a very introverted person and didn’t really see the need for many friends when my dad was alive as they were so close and did everything together. She always seemed to get on with colleagues etc just didn’t really feel the need to make friendships.

No this is mostly since he died. He was her soulmate basically and she doesn’t know what her life could look like without him (and isn’t really interested). A lesson for all of us really, not to just rely on one person!

I would use the time to spend with your mum and tell her that she needs to get help. Explain to her how her moping is having a negative affect on everyone and perhaps without the distractions she won't feel hanged up on and might listen. She needs to start making some positive steps and start living again. Your dad wouldn't want her to live like this. It's not going to happen over night and nobody can tell people how to grieve or how long for, but she must start to look after herself better and she needs to make more of an effort

Ganged up on not hanged up

I think your husband has actually been really thoughtful. What kind of Christmas holiday can your children have if their grandma is so visibly miserable all the time? This way you have Christmas together and some one to one time with your mum.

Don’t give up on your DM, OP. My DF took
nea 3 years to get back to living in the present. His bereavement was very sudden, a terrible shock, and it sounds like your DM’s might have been too.

Tbh I'd have suggested it myself. It's Christmas and it's not really fair on the kids to be around a week of sadness and drinking too much. They'll have fun.

I'd be inviting the girls around me personally for a Christmas catch up.

Sorry for the loss of your dad.

Presumably she too is in her early 60s. I am only a few years younger and work full time with many other hobbies, interests and travel.

She let herself be too dependent and is reaping the consequences. It's time for her to get grief counseling and to forge a life for herself. Or does she plan to spend the next 20-30 years dragging everyone down?

Your husband sounds like a saint, frankly. Use the time alone with your mom to speak frankly and tell her that her wallowing in grief is adversely affecting you and your family.

It's ok to be sad but not to make zero effort to get on with it.

My SIL is the same OP but she's much older. Your mum is facing a long, lonely, unhappy existence unless she gets help. It's very hard to give your parent advice, the relationship dynamics are all wrong.

Maybe one of her trusted friends can help.

I don't blame your DH. I can only bear my SIL for very short bursts. She makes me so stressed and sad!

My mum lost my dad at the same age. I was lucky in that she didn't behave like this, as she took a deep breath, got some help from her GP with grieving, and then took determined, definite steps to insure she had a life of her own. It was very hard. He was the love of her life. It's not how retirement was supposed to look for either of them. But she's in her 80s now and i can honestly, say it is possible to move forward, but she has to want to.

I would insist she go to the GP or tell her you can't let her wreck the Christmases of your family because of her refusal. It's not fair to you or her grandchildren. Tell her she'll have to go home early if she refuses to help herself, because your children deserve happy holidays. I would tell her you'll be going with your husband to see his family with him, as it's not fair he's always stuck entertaining her (your family) when she doesn't even try to get help for herself and it's pretty miserable for all of you. Yes it's harsh, but unfair to continue in this manner.

Very sorry for the loss of your DF - far too young - and for the effect it is having on DM for whom I have great sympathy.

"Soul mate" is a lovely term but shouldn't have made her dependent on him for the courage to go out, friendships and driving. I think your DH is right to take the DC away so they don't all drown in the miasma of grief and, sadly, you'll be left to try and pick up her pieces.

I don't know how you handle this since she's resisting help. I would try talking to Age Concern and is it Silverline - the Esther Rantzen phone number for lonely senior citizens. And certainly her friends. The fact she is drinking too much at yours and can be embarrassing is a huge warning sign.

Could you drive her back early given DH and DC are away and contact those friends? Not the Christmas anyone would wish. Hope it gets better.

I'm sorry. It sounds horrible for you. Your mum is clearly depressed.

But I understand your husbands POV. If DP parents were suddenly miserable, aggravating and always bored I'd want to fucking run too!

She needs therapy.

My DM lost my DF when she was 51. She didn't behave like this. In fact she became massively independent. The fact she could drive was a huge bonus. How did your mum plan to manage getting around if left alone if she doesn't drive?
You shouldn't be 'stuck in the middle'. You should be near the side of your DH and DC. Your life with them is your priority.
This will only get worse as she gets older if you don't reset the balance.

I can’t imagine how I would feel if anything happened to DH, I imagine it would take a long time for me to recover (if ever). She sounds just utterly depressed, maybe it’s a good opportunity to have some one on one time with her and lay it out. Just say look, clearly you are unhappy but you have many years ahead of you lets try to make them happy ones. Go for some walks, go out for dinner, theatre or something. Show her a little bit of the adult life she could be having.

It's not your responsibility to try to keep your mum happy (if she even can be happy) at your husband and children's expense. If your mum's walking around like a miserable git all the time and makes no effort, well don't let her ruin other people's day. If I were you, I would have explained to her how she is affecting other people and that she would need to put some effort. Otherwise it's just not feasible or fair on anyone to have her around. If she cares about you and her grandchildren, she will understand.

She doesn't have friends or hobbies - her job to sort out and make changes to her life if she doesn't want to be lonely.

I get that people grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time, but I think after over 2 years it isn't unreasonable to gently encourage your mother out into the real world again. Or does she expect you to basically look after her for the rest of her life?

If this was the other way round people would be telling you that it's totally unreasonable for your DH to put the relationship with his mother ahead of his relationship with you and that you should consider leaving, especially if the mother was totally unwilling to consider taking any steps whatsoever to help herself.

I think you could perhaps use this time to address the problem with your mum.

I would explain to her that she owes it to your dad’s memory to address the problem. Her first step needs to be to address the drinking. She needs to bring a structure to the day with regular activities - walking, volunteering, whatever it is, she needs to have a shape and meaning to her days.

Good luck - it must be so hard.

My grandmother had bipolar and sounds a little bit similar to your dm. As a kid I did not enjoy her company at all.

This has given me a bit of hope, I really hope she does start to move on because it’s going to be so awful if she just stays like this until she dies.

If she doesn’t have friends could she move closer to you, and then try and get her involved with hobbies near you. You would have to make sure she didn’t lean on you but means you can have short visits to her