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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want mil boyfriend for Xmas dinner

60 replies

xmasreindeer · 17/12/2022 13:25

It's our babies first Xmas. We invited mil and sil for Xmas dinner.
Mil has been seeing someone for three months, we briefly met him in passing a month or so back.
She had invited him for dinner, in a text said she is bringing him.
I am livid. We don't know this guy and mil jumps from relationship to relationship so would really prefer to get to know him first.

I don't want to hurt anyones feelings but this just ruins Xmas for me.
His family keeps buying my daughter things and we haven't met them either. She has a close bond with her grandad on both sides, so we aren't looking for another grandad figure.
I would feel different if maybe next year and been with him a long enough time.
Aibu to tell her we don't want him coming for dinner this year?

OP posts:
Quveas · 17/12/2022 13:31

I don't think you are being unreasonable, no - it's up to you who comes for dinner (but is the "we" a "you" or a "you and OH"?). If you both agree that you don't want him there it is for your OH to tell her, not you. Anf it may be ok, but also be prepared that it also may not be, and there may be consequences to refusing that you need to be ready to live with.

msbevvy · 17/12/2022 13:31

It was cheeky of her not to ask first but don't let it ruin your Christmas. Your child is less than a year old. I think you have a while to go before she cares what happens at Christmas or regards this man as "Grandad Figure" or not.

Original poster
xmasreindeer · 17/12/2022 13:39

@msbevvy it's more the fact it's her first Xmas so want it to be really special more for us to be honest.

OP posts:
orchid220 · 17/12/2022 13:42

She had no right to invite him without asking if you are hosting. Just say that he can't come so if she wants to spend Christmas with him she will have to go to his family.

TidyDancer · 17/12/2022 13:43

She shouldn't be inviting people without checking with you first but what is it about him attending that you think won't make Christmas special for you?

Diffuserqueen · 17/12/2022 13:44

This is all about you, how does your husband feel?

for me I can’t say inviting one more person would ruin Xmas for me. And I’d rather that than have a falling out, but you do you

VinoDino · 17/12/2022 13:46

First Christmas and all that aside, you don't just invite another person along without asking first. If it doesn't work for you as the host you have every right to say so.

Original poster
xmasreindeer · 17/12/2022 13:48

Should have said that dh and sil not happy about it either because they have had a lifetime of meeting new boyfriends, and always really quick into the relationship too. They don't really want to meet another boyfriend unless it's got to moving in stage.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 17/12/2022 13:49

xmasreindeer · 17/12/2022 13:48

Should have said that dh and sil not happy about it either because they have had a lifetime of meeting new boyfriends, and always really quick into the relationship too. They don't really want to meet another boyfriend unless it's got to moving in stage.

Well, don’t do it then. It’s very, very simple.

MerryMarigold · 17/12/2022 13:51

All that struck me about this post is that it's all about your DD, who is only a baby. Fair enough if you don't want a stranger round to xmas dinner. That's nothing to do with a baby! If you didn't have a baby, would you be bothered? Why do you want her first Christmas to be special 'for you' as opposed to any other year? It's just a bit weirdly obsessive. I have 3 children by the way!

Unsureofitall · 17/12/2022 13:52

Would be a bit annoying but I wouldn't let it ruin Christmas for me at all.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 13:52

It’s annoying I agree, but I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Christmas does tend to be about random hangers on, and I don’t see how it stops it being special for you. The baby has no idea what’s going on.

Next year your DH needs to get organised and tell her well in advance, it’s too late to do it this year without causing upset

woodhill · 17/12/2022 13:52

It's bad manners of her not to ask if it is ok first

itsgettingweird · 17/12/2022 13:53

xmasreindeer · 17/12/2022 13:48

Should have said that dh and sil not happy about it either because they have had a lifetime of meeting new boyfriends, and always really quick into the relationship too. They don't really want to meet another boyfriend unless it's got to moving in stage.

Then DH can text her and say that her BF isn't invited as him and SIL don't want him there.

oviraptor21 · 17/12/2022 13:55

Maybe there could be room for compromise. Perhaps he could be invited for tea instead (or some other suitable shorter period of time)?

TallGrassInTheSun · 17/12/2022 13:57

Get your husband to tell her he’s not invited. Cheeky cow. Who the fuck wants the next random bloke for Xmas around their young baby. This absolutely wouldn’t be happening in my house.

Pearl664 · 17/12/2022 13:57

Would he be spending Xmas on his own otherwise? If so I couldn't say he wasn't welcome.

TallGrassInTheSun · 17/12/2022 13:58

Pearl664 · 17/12/2022 13:57

Would he be spending Xmas on his own otherwise? If so I couldn't say he wasn't welcome.

MIL can spend it with him if that’s the case. It’s not OPs problem.

greenhousegal · 17/12/2022 14:04

I get this. Often a stranger entering the fold can make things awkward in a gathering where everyone knows everyone well.

I think it would be a lot different if the family knew the mum's partner quite well and all rubbed along together fine.

On the other hand, if he is going to be alone, I would not hesitate to have him join in. If he can make other arrangements that's better this year anyway. Your mum is being a bit cheeky here I think.

If he is only a new boyfriend, surely he has friends/family to go to? What would he have done if he hadn't met your mother? I would feel awkward if I were the boyfriend, but some people have brass necks don't they?

Zebedee55 · 17/12/2022 14:08

If you don't want him there, fair enough.

But, one year olds don't know or care about Christmas gatherings or birthday parties.

It wouldn't bother me, as I'm "more the merrier" at Christmas, with random friends and relatives, but it's your house.🙂

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 14:12

xmasreindeer · 17/12/2022 13:48

Should have said that dh and sil not happy about it either because they have had a lifetime of meeting new boyfriends, and always really quick into the relationship too. They don't really want to meet another boyfriend unless it's got to moving in stage.

Then one of you has to start using your words like assertive adults.

"MiL, there seems to have been a misunderstanding - we're delighted to host you, but the invitation is for just you, not your new b/f."

She can then decide if she still wants to attend, or if her new squeeze is more important to her.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 14:14

Pearl664 · 17/12/2022 13:57

Would he be spending Xmas on his own otherwise? If so I couldn't say he wasn't welcome.

Thousands of people will spend xmas day solo this year.
Are you going to welcome them all?

Newusernameaug · 17/12/2022 14:17

It’s a bit mean of you.
my dad had been with his new partner 3 weeks and I met her and her son for the first time time on xmas day. They’ve been together 11 years now.
Youre being very precious about babies first xmas!
Surely Christmas is about being welcoming and sharing love and connection with each other?

How will it make you feel to be sat there on Xmas day and MIL is either there without new boyf or she’s with him and not with her d grandchild?
id feel mean!
you’re asking her to choose between new boyf and her son and grandchild for absolutely no reason other than to be nasty 🤷🏽‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 14:21

Newusernameaug · 17/12/2022 14:17

It’s a bit mean of you.
my dad had been with his new partner 3 weeks and I met her and her son for the first time time on xmas day. They’ve been together 11 years now.
Youre being very precious about babies first xmas!
Surely Christmas is about being welcoming and sharing love and connection with each other?

How will it make you feel to be sat there on Xmas day and MIL is either there without new boyf or she’s with him and not with her d grandchild?
id feel mean!
you’re asking her to choose between new boyf and her son and grandchild for absolutely no reason other than to be nasty 🤷🏽‍♀️

I don't see it that way at all, & clearly neither does OP, her DH, or her SiL.

They don't know this guy, & he is just another in a long line of 'new guys' MiL has in tow. Why would you feel mean about being disinclined to make social niceties with the latest b/f, who probably won;t last any longer than the rest?

Natty13 · 17/12/2022 14:22

Newusernameaug · 17/12/2022 14:17

It’s a bit mean of you.
my dad had been with his new partner 3 weeks and I met her and her son for the first time time on xmas day. They’ve been together 11 years now.
Youre being very precious about babies first xmas!
Surely Christmas is about being welcoming and sharing love and connection with each other?

How will it make you feel to be sat there on Xmas day and MIL is either there without new boyf or she’s with him and not with her d grandchild?
id feel mean!
you’re asking her to choose between new boyf and her son and grandchild for absolutely no reason other than to be nasty 🤷🏽‍♀️

Did your dad have a long string of girlfriends throughout your life which never lasted long?

If not, it isn't comparable.