To not want mil boyfriend for Xmas dinner

[xmasreindeer]

It's our babies first Xmas. We invited mil and sil for Xmas dinner.
Mil has been seeing someone for three months, we briefly met him in passing a month or so back.
She had invited him for dinner, in a text said she is bringing him.
I am livid. We don't know this guy and mil jumps from relationship to relationship so would really prefer to get to know him first.

I don't want to hurt anyones feelings but this just ruins Xmas for me.
His family keeps buying my daughter things and we haven't met them either. She has a close bond with her grandad on both sides, so we aren't looking for another grandad figure.
I would feel different if maybe next year and been with him a long enough time.
Aibu to tell her we don't want him coming for dinner this year?

I see we have a bit of judgement of MIL's morals going on

Your OH need to respond to this, not you. If he and his sister don't want the latest in a long line of temporary boyfriends gatecrashing their Christmas, they should tell her. "No, mum, the invitation was for you, not you and a plus one."

It's got nothing to do with the baby, the baby won't care.

Fuck-all to do with her "morals".
Everything to do with her manners.

It's just rude to foist a new shag onto your family & expect them to pretend its going to be any more meaningful than the last ones.

Nothing to do with that. I’d meet him on another day, on lots of other days, building up from a quick cup of tea to get to know him well. But at Xmas, I want to relax with people I’m familiar with, not feel like I’m entertaining a new person making sure they’re comfortable, which is what I do for new people.

On another note, presumably he’d be there for a while. OP might want to put her baby upstairs for a nap. I wouldn’t want random men in the house, having to go upstairs to the toilet, with my young child alone up there. Until I know them well and trust them. That isn’t a man that’s been in MILs life for 5 minutes.

She can't invite someone else to your house.

What do you think MIL's boyfriend is going to do to the baby?! Bit of an over-reaction...

You’re very naive. If you’ve worked with victims of abuse, you wouldn’t think this was OTT.

So, what? MIL's new boyfriend is only seeing her to get access to her grandchild?? Bit of a leap leaping to a bonkers conclusion

And anyway, presumably the dc will not be alone with this bloke on Xmas Day?

Have I said that’s the reason he’s seeing her? No.

But these things do happen. I’ve already said that if the OP puts her baby down for a nap upstairs and he uses the toilet, for example, I wouldn’t be happy with that. I’ve known many people who have been abused as children in situations just like this unfortunately. Party downstairs, drinks flowing, everyone’s a bit more relaxed. It’s not a nice thought but unfortunately it’s not uncommon.

Very rude and I wouldn’t like it one bit. He’s a stranger to you. Get your husband to tell her it’s just her invited not him.

@TallGrassInTheSun yes at the back of my mind this sort of thing does come up. I have nothing against the man but I'm cautious and mil has been in abusive relationships/marriages in the past so I do want to vet people before they spend time with my children.
I think being a bit lax about these things are partly the reason why sometimes it happens.
Our good friend is no contact with her mother as her mothers boyfriend abused her in childhood and she stayed with him because she didn't believe the accusations. It can happen.
I don't feel comfortable with her taking the baby and having him round her all the time when we don't know him.
I have been with dh for 10 years and there has been two divorces and five boyfriends in those years! Dh is sick of her bringing randoms along all the time.

People who are invited to a dinner can't then invite their own guests. it doesn't matter whose first Christmas it is, or who they are. Its not acceptable or reasonable, no one thinks it is, so just use your words as previous posters have recommended. Just say no.

Just say no!!

Trust your instincts OP. It’s an uncomfortable subject but your child is so precious and vulnerable in situations like this. I’m not at all saying this man is dangerous, he may be a lovely man, but you don’t have to take these chances with your child to please others.

And, less heavy, you just don’t know him. There’s nothing wrong with just spending Xmas with people you know properly.

I hope you have a lovely Xmas and that MIL is understanding of your feelings.

This isn't your worry - her own son needs to tackle this.

Your feelings are valid, but I come from a culture where everyone is welcome to join at Christmas (unless there's a conflict or something major like that). So over the years my parents invited friends who just lost their loved ones, acquaintances who had no plans for Christmas for one reason or another... It's always been great to share our Christmas. I assume it's just to join you for dinner? (I.e. not an overnight stay).
I appreciate not all cultures are the same though.

"Sorry if there was any confusion MIL, the invite was just for you, not a plus one."

If she pushes back or tries to guilt trip you, say that you are only having family over. You are already hosting with a very young child, and you are not comfortable inviting strangers to join you. He might not be a stranger to her, but he is to you, which is why you haven't extended an invite to him this year.

Oh FFS.
CSA survivor here. It's desperately OTT.

Do you think this b/f is going to carry the baby off in his jaws, slavering & howling?

He's hardly likely to be left alone with the baby, is he?

Not that he should be invited anyway, because it's not MiL's place to do so.

"No sorry we don't have the space or food for more people. Please don't invite people to our house for us to cook for them without asking us."

You don't invite people to other people's houses for dinner, especially Christmas

Dh is sick of her bringing randoms along all the time.

So what has DH done about it, except allow her to ride roughshod over everyone else?

Dh needs to text 'The invite was for you dm not your new bf, we don't want a stranger in our house xmas day.'
If she says, 'but we have all these presents for baby.' Invite them for Boxing Day maybe.
Surely this bf is adult enough to carry on doing his xmas like he has all the other years.

Tbh she is averaging one and a bit per year, that’s not ‘bringing randoms all the time’ territory

you have made it sound a lot worse than it is.

Ignore people saying it is mean of you.
He isn't a charity case and your MIL is a CF.
Your house, your guestlist.

Actually people I know who have worked with victims of abuse think this is an overreaction.

The main thing I'd ask is, is the boyfriend nice? It comes off really horrible to dismiss the kindness from his family because you "don't need another grandad". They seem lovely to want to include your little one. My DH invited a relative to Christmas dinner (without asking) once because he felt sorry for this man. I was livid. But on the actual day, the man was so appreciative as he'd otherwise have spent it alone, it really wasn't a big deal to serve another dinner and then he and DH had a great laugh and chat and I had a most excellent sleep on the sofa after dinner. Your baby won't care.