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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many (adult) family members you still have a relationship with?

65 replies

namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 10:13

I am feeling a little down this morning when I realised that I've got barely any family. I've got my mum, and my Nan who is in her 90s and fading away as the days go by 😔

I've got aunts and uncles but due to family tension with my mum they aren't in our lives and we never see them. My dad didn't want to know and I have no siblings. No kids yet, unsure if I want them probably because of my own family trauma.

I'm not sure if many people are in the same boat - I know most on here have children so it's a little different. I've got a partner and his parents, but really my "family" type people are my friends. And him. If I lost him I'd literally have just my mum and my friends.

For anyone else who has not much family either left or that remain in their lives, does it get you down? I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about this feeling that I don't belong or have any family unit. I'm so grateful for my partner and mum but I worry that if I lost either of them my whole world would collapse.

I guess I just wanted to know if I'm the only one in this situation and if there's anything I can do to improve how I feel.

Thanks for listening to my mumbles.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 10:41

Oh. Maybe it is just me then 😆

OP posts:
Userg1234 · 17/12/2022 10:42

I'm an only child but mum and dad come from huge families...I have about 50 first cousins. If I see any of them once a year is at most.
Don't do family really can't be bothered with all the drama. We don't have kids wife's brother has 2 grown up ones who we see occasionally

MaryMollyPolly · 17/12/2022 10:51

I have both my parents, late 80s, and my sister. All live hundreds of miles away. I don’t see or have contact with my cousins at all - no rift, just living so far from
each other, even as children, so we never had a relationship. Same with my two aunts, on both father’s and mother’s side -one is dead now. I’m quite close to my DH’s sister, though -she also lives a good way away, though.

ZeldaOlivia · 17/12/2022 10:53

Zero, I've cut them all out of my life.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2022 10:55

My side of the family is just dm and dbro. All out other relatives were on my abusive dad's side and cut contact when dm left him.

I think it is hard at a time of year when there are images of big happy families all around, but the reality is that I'd take a small caring family over a bigger one full of arseholes any day.

10HailMarys · 17/12/2022 11:02

Depends what you mean by ‘a relationship with’. I see my parents and my two siblings fairly regularly, and occasionally my adult niece and nephew. I have an aunt and uncle that I see every few years when they happen to be in the UK. I have one cousin I exchange Christmas cards with and two cousins I might say happy birthday to on Facebook. That’s about it.

Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 11:13

Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2022 10:55

My side of the family is just dm and dbro. All out other relatives were on my abusive dad's side and cut contact when dm left him.

I think it is hard at a time of year when there are images of big happy families all around, but the reality is that I'd take a small caring family over a bigger one full of arseholes any day.

This is exactly it. Feels like everyone has these grand christmases planned and tons of family they see and are close to and I find it really hard and become very aware one day I'll have zero family at all.

I guess most with large/happy families probably won't be commenting on this thread either.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 11:15

10HailMarys · 17/12/2022 11:02

Depends what you mean by ‘a relationship with’. I see my parents and my two siblings fairly regularly, and occasionally my adult niece and nephew. I have an aunt and uncle that I see every few years when they happen to be in the UK. I have one cousin I exchange Christmas cards with and two cousins I might say happy birthday to on Facebook. That’s about it.

I guess any level of relationship.

aside from my mum and partners parents I have zero interaction with anyone else. My Nan is too ill to really know I'm there.

I don't have any cousins or aunts & uncles I see on occasion - they're around but it's an extremely strained family dynamic (not even sure why, my dad was abusive and I think this caused a family rift) so they're just not in my life at all and it's like they don't exist. I'd love to be able to fix it but it's too far gone.

It's hard because you can make new friends but you can't make new family.

OP posts:
Fusciainertia · 17/12/2022 11:39

My parents moved abroad. A long haul flight away. My brother is nearish. My husband and I are breaking up. So I've got my brother and two kids. My husbands parents died so my kids don't have any grandparents around.

I think about it a lot. I wish I could get over it.

It stings when people assume I have family like asking if my kids will be with their grandparents for the school holidays, or asking if I'm hosting Xmas or going to my parents or in laws. I'm just like no.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 17/12/2022 11:41

Mum, Dad and sister. My brother has cut me out. Loads of cousins on one side of the family but they live in a different country and I dont speak to any of the ones in the same country as me as they are fake toxic fucks.

PollyPicket2 · 17/12/2022 11:44

I speak to my mother and sister occasionally, no other family.

Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 11:45

Fusciainertia · 17/12/2022 11:39

My parents moved abroad. A long haul flight away. My brother is nearish. My husband and I are breaking up. So I've got my brother and two kids. My husbands parents died so my kids don't have any grandparents around.

I think about it a lot. I wish I could get over it.

It stings when people assume I have family like asking if my kids will be with their grandparents for the school holidays, or asking if I'm hosting Xmas or going to my parents or in laws. I'm just like no.

It's rough isn't it. I feel like my partners family are such a big part of my family unit I don't know that I'd cope losing them if we ever broke up.

It is hard because all you see and hear of is the classic family unit where people either live close by or if they don't there is still a strong relationship and visits etc 😞

OP posts:
Comedycook · 17/12/2022 11:47

I have my sister and her family (DH and two DC)...an aunt who probably doesn't have long left, another aunt who lives miles away but I chat to occasionally. My gps and parents are dead. I have my own DH and DC. I have five cousins, one died, three live miles away and I never see. In touch with one cousin. Quite small family really.

Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 11:48

I guess I need to work on being okay with this and not letting it upset me so much. It sounds like some of you on this thread have similar setups to me and seem to have accepted it and not let it affect you so emotionally. If you have any tips I'd love to know! It might just be different personality types I guess.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 17/12/2022 11:50

Dad, 90 and brother 61. In touch with brother because we keep an eye on dad.
Dd, d-son-in-law and dgd (11 so not yet adult but there you go).
Distant cousin I've never met, online.
That's it.

StopStartStop · 17/12/2022 11:51

Tip - mindfulness. Come back to your breathing.
Heal the longing first, from within.

Stryke · 17/12/2022 11:54

None. Father left when I was 11. No contact. He's dead now anyway.
Fallout with toxic mother 10 years ago. My siblings both took her side.
Wasn't close to father's family growing up so no family there.
My mother is an immigrant and all her family are a long flight away. I am in touch with my cousins, but they are so far away, so practically, effectively, I have absolutely no one. Single parent too. Oh well. Hopefully when my kids are adults I'll have them.

And yes, it makes me sad. What can you do though? I have some good friends. It's not quite the same though, I don't think.

Greatbiggoldfish · 17/12/2022 11:56

Another only child OP - both parents now passed - mum was hard work and largely alienated the more distant family members . I don’t see and probably wouldn’t recognise one side of the family ( dads side) and the other side were never close and now have dementia.

I have a husband and children and they are my family .. find all the tv ads of large extended families and dare I say it my own friends in big close families a little hard to bear sometimes but I work hard to be a better mum than my own was . I have much to be grateful for . I do hear you though and understand how you feel

Hbh17 · 17/12/2022 11:58

Friends are always more important than family. Friends are the people we choose (a cliche, but true).

Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 12:01

StopStartStop · 17/12/2022 11:51

Tip - mindfulness. Come back to your breathing.
Heal the longing first, from within.

Thank you 💜

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 12:03

Stryke · 17/12/2022 11:54

None. Father left when I was 11. No contact. He's dead now anyway.
Fallout with toxic mother 10 years ago. My siblings both took her side.
Wasn't close to father's family growing up so no family there.
My mother is an immigrant and all her family are a long flight away. I am in touch with my cousins, but they are so far away, so practically, effectively, I have absolutely no one. Single parent too. Oh well. Hopefully when my kids are adults I'll have them.

And yes, it makes me sad. What can you do though? I have some good friends. It's not quite the same though, I don't think.

No it's not the same at all. I'm sorry to hear this. It is hard 😔 I'm so lucky to have my mum. But my dad was similar to yours a total b**tard - abusive to my mother and me so I know I'm better not having him in my life. Doesn't make it easy to deal with though.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 17/12/2022 12:03

None, I'm NC. We did try a limited reunion a couple of years ago but it didn't work out and I'll never put myself through that again. It was very sad to see the old family dynamics being repeated by the grown up children.

Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 12:05

Greatbiggoldfish · 17/12/2022 11:56

Another only child OP - both parents now passed - mum was hard work and largely alienated the more distant family members . I don’t see and probably wouldn’t recognise one side of the family ( dads side) and the other side were never close and now have dementia.

I have a husband and children and they are my family .. find all the tv ads of large extended families and dare I say it my own friends in big close families a little hard to bear sometimes but I work hard to be a better mum than my own was . I have much to be grateful for . I do hear you though and understand how you feel

Thank you.

Part of me thinks having my own family might help - but part of me also thinks maybe I'm not doing it for the right reasons.

You're right though - and it's definitely elevated at this time of year.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 12:05

Hbh17 · 17/12/2022 11:58

Friends are always more important than family. Friends are the people we choose (a cliche, but true).

I completely agree with you and for most of the year it works very well. But at this time of year, at least within my circles Christmas is very family focused so that's when I find these feelings seem to peak the most.

OP posts:
CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 17/12/2022 12:14

Just a few, my Mum (Dad died this year), my adult son & daughter, my twin Sis & her daughter & her daughter (although that relationship is strained with my niece due to someone stirring the pot (Mum, I put money on it being Mum, she revels in telling one thing to one person & another to another).

Maternal uncles sadly passed away many years ago, and my Dad’s half brothers (my Uncles) are assholes, so much so Dad wanted a direct cremation because, “ They gave me fuck all in life, I’m sure as hell I’m not feeding them when I’m dead.”

But, we’re friends with my daughter’s MIL, and daughter’s partner (obviously), and we have absorbed our son’s partner into our family too. Our Christmas table is open to all.