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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how many (adult) family members you still have a relationship with?

65 replies

namechanged406 · 17/12/2022 10:13

I am feeling a little down this morning when I realised that I've got barely any family. I've got my mum, and my Nan who is in her 90s and fading away as the days go by 😔

I've got aunts and uncles but due to family tension with my mum they aren't in our lives and we never see them. My dad didn't want to know and I have no siblings. No kids yet, unsure if I want them probably because of my own family trauma.

I'm not sure if many people are in the same boat - I know most on here have children so it's a little different. I've got a partner and his parents, but really my "family" type people are my friends. And him. If I lost him I'd literally have just my mum and my friends.

For anyone else who has not much family either left or that remain in their lives, does it get you down? I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about this feeling that I don't belong or have any family unit. I'm so grateful for my partner and mum but I worry that if I lost either of them my whole world would collapse.

I guess I just wanted to know if I'm the only one in this situation and if there's anything I can do to improve how I feel.

Thanks for listening to my mumbles.

OP posts:

Motherofalittledragon · 17/12/2022 13:55

Not in contact with any of them and it's just the way I like it.

RoseMartha · 17/12/2022 13:57

I have a mum, she is in a care home. I visit her weekly. But she has dementia.
So it is not the same relationship we had a few years ago. Eg She will tell me how she went swimming in the sea the day before and I will go along with it and ask if she enjoyed it. As it is her reality in that moment.

I have a sibling and nieces and nephews. My nieces and nephews are young adults and teens mainly. I see them fairly often and text them sometimes.

My extended family, some of which we connect on facebook or twice a year elderly relatives write and I write back.
Other extended family we have lost touch more or less.

TheChosenTwo · 17/12/2022 14:00

Plenty of positive relationships with adult family members (both mine and on my in-law side). And a few that I don’t (on my side) because they’re not very nice people.
I have more than enough great family members to make me feel supported and loved in life.

soberfabulous · 17/12/2022 14:26

Just my mum dad and an uncle.

Grandparents are dead and we're a small family.

It has never bothered me in the slightest. Without wishing to sound like a trope: my friends are the family I chose and I love them all deeply.

mondaytosunday · 17/12/2022 15:15

Im close to all the family members I spent time with growing up. My parents are dead as are all my aunts and uncles. I know a few of my cousins (I grew up in a different country to them, and there are some I've never even met who live in yet another country), and I'm friendly with them. No big dramas, we are all just spread out (over five countries now).

Ostagazuzulum · 17/12/2022 23:01

My parents are only adult relatives I keep
In touch with and only speak to one of them because I'm speaking to other (they're together still). It's not an easy relationship though as they are in a bubble
Together and don't really like to there being about inc their kids. All family are spread over uk so none close by. Parents are old and in illl health so I don't expect to have them around much longer. Don't speak to my older brother at all, he's can be very aggressive so not worth hassle. Plus he lives very far away. Aunt on one side died but Parent fell out with her about 20 years ago so I don't get to see cousins on that side. Huge close family on other parents side but they are estranged from them all. Years ago one of them contacted me and I was so excited, I've always felt as though I've missed out and thought that I'd be included into family fold so to speak. However they only wanted to know about estranged parent, nothing about me or my life. I've respected my parents wishes not to pass on details so family give up. They get in touch usually once or twice a year and I stupidly get hopes up but conversation will always go back to asking how they can get in touch with my parents. I've finally accepted that they've no interest in me and use me to get to my parents so I've now said that I can't be the go between. Funnily enough contact stopped immediately.

I feel sad that my only family is DH and child but I guess that's just how it is for some people.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 23:04

Sister, BIL, in laws regularly, nearly grown up niece and nephew the same, couple cousins a few times a year. The rest are gone sadly. I do really value my family.

SomethingOriginal2 · 17/12/2022 23:09

I barely see my aunts and uncles, like years go by without seeing them. So just my parents and siblings.

Dacadactyl · 17/12/2022 23:09

I must be lucky. I have a good relationship with all my adult family members and my DH's adult family members.

We both have lots of cousins, aunts and uncles. We see cousins less frequently because of geographical distance, but get on well at family gatheringswhen we see each other.

nlr1 · 17/12/2022 23:24

You’re definitely not alone in this. I always had a pretty small family and we’ve only become smaller through the years. My mum and brother both passed last year so it’s sort of just me and my sister left, there’s my brother’s partner who I’m close with also. No aunts, uncles, cousins. I don’t know my dad well, never met my family on that side (or at least not within my memory). I get along okay and I have friends who have become like family but I do miss them of course and the family unit we used to have, especially this time of year

cobden28 · 17/12/2022 23:37

I only have three known living relatives in the whole world - I did have cousins on my late Dad's side of the family but I have no idea if any of them are still alive, as Mum divorced my Dad very acrimoniously sixty yers ago and she & I were forced to move to the other end of the country after being disinherited and and disowned by both sides of the family.
Mum's male cousin - the only family member she is in contact with - lives up in Yorkshire (Mum and I are on the south coast). I have an adult daughter who I'm very close to. The last I heard of my half-sister (Dad's daughter by his second marriage) she was still living in our home town in the north of England, but I've had no contact with her since Dad's funeral 17 years ago. I don't know and certainly don't care if my half-sister is even still alive.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 17/12/2022 23:46

I have a lovely DB, he's my only family apart from my husband and 3 kids. Both parents passed away and were only children so no aunts/ uncles/ cousins. I get on fine with my in-laws but not in regular contact with any except my MIL.

Honestly it doesn't bother me. I have been with my DH for 20+ years and I'm lucky to have half a dozen very close friends who are more like sisters to me. Pre-kids we used to travel a lot at Xmas and just spoil each other.

My childhood wasn't the best in many ways. I think you can over-romanticise family. I'm happy with what I have.

StrewthMarge · 18/12/2022 01:27

It's not relationships through family that matter just because they're family.

I think it would be much better if people heist viewed relationships as relationships regardless of blood. Ditch the toxic ones.

OooScotland · 18/12/2022 01:49

None since my Mum died although I’m technically from quite a large family. I’m the child of two second marriages (both my parents were widows with teenage daughters when they met and had me) and when my parents died both sides of the family disappeared from my life after always having treated me as if I shouldn’t have been born.

My husband just has elderly parents and an OK, but rather uninterested sister and BIL in America so I don’t see them either.

Its not your fault OP. Your life is a special gift just for you. Its not worth less just because you’re not surrounded by many family members. It took me a long time to come to this but what made me come to this point was saying I had no family (I don’t know why it was relevant) to a woman I met on a craft holiday and she said ‘oh I don’t know what I’d do without my sisters and cousins’ I just thought ‘well there’s nothing I can do to magic myself up a loving family background at this point is there! What a stupid thing to say!’

Alibabasonethief · 18/12/2022 11:36

This is such a true and lovely statement. Ending ties with my family was extremely painful but it has actually had a significant upside. I’m me now, not some character in my family story. I don’t think about what others will think when I make choices something I was absolutely rigidly conditioned into as part of my family. The need for conformity was huge in my family which was how abuse could easily go unchecked and be swept under the rug so easily. Now I get to be me and I get to allow my children to develop themselves too. That is a huge gift.

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