To ask how many (adult) family members you still have a relationship with?

[namechanged406]

I am feeling a little down this morning when I realised that I've got barely any family. I've got my mum, and my Nan who is in her 90s and fading away as the days go by 😔

I've got aunts and uncles but due to family tension with my mum they aren't in our lives and we never see them. My dad didn't want to know and I have no siblings. No kids yet, unsure if I want them probably because of my own family trauma.

I'm not sure if many people are in the same boat - I know most on here have children so it's a little different. I've got a partner and his parents, but really my "family" type people are my friends. And him. If I lost him I'd literally have just my mum and my friends.

For anyone else who has not much family either left or that remain in their lives, does it get you down? I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about this feeling that I don't belong or have any family unit. I'm so grateful for my partner and mum but I worry that if I lost either of them my whole world would collapse.

I guess I just wanted to know if I'm the only one in this situation and if there's anything I can do to improve how I feel.

Thanks for listening to my mumbles.

Same here.
I've never really known my aunts/uncles very well and as for cousins I wouldn't know them if I walked past them in the street.
Growing up i saw some of my aunts but didn't see much of them into adulthood.
I have an older sister and her family and an older brother (our parents died many years ago).
DH's family live abroad.
DS pretty much only has my sister and her family.
From my perspective its all I've ever known

I’ve got my mum and oldest brother (and his grown kids and grandson) 6000 mikes away. My extended family really consists of just my oldest brother and my mum. My favourite and beloved brother died 18 months ago and his death just instantly shrunk my universe. I don’t have any relationship with my cousins. Time, distance, and dysfunction (cousins, aunts, and uncles) have encouraged me to keep things small. I don’t necessarily like it but it keeps my own world safe.

1 sibling only (who I have a proper relationship with)
1 aunt, 1 uncle and 1 cousin who I exchange Christmas greetings with

Parents are dead. My mum was an only child. My dad was one of six but they lived in a different country. I've got a lot of cousins on my dad's side but only know they youngest one who came to my dad's family with my aunt. My dad has two children who didn't come to his funeral...

My husband has a poor relationship with his parents (who are local) - so does his sibling with them, and them with each other. It is a big triangulated mess.

We've got an only child. I feel really sad for him sometimes (and myself/DH!) and I'm very pleased his GF has a more normal and welcoming family.

I don’t have many. I have 3 cousins. 1 aunt. I am in touch with those cousins daily but the rest it is maybe 2/3 times per year. I don’t speak to my parents or siblings or most of my aunts and uncles as the family dynamics are extremely dysfunctional (CSA in family swept under the rug) and I am better off out.

I do have a nearly adult daughter (2 younger ones) but that isn’t the same as I am here for their emotional support not the other way around but I have a husband (and an absolutely awesome therapist for the last nearly 5 years) who fill that department.

I have lovely friends and an amazing job in an extremely nurturing education environment honestly I am just extremely grateful for what I have because it is solid and genuine and that wasn’t possible with family who had their own really good points but were consistently emotionally abusive in the way they handled the abuse. I don’t compare myself to others because in the main I am genuinely peaceful and happy in my own head which was a difficult battle to get too and I have no idea what other peoples battles are.

I should add that I am on good terms with my first husband’s family (they’re mostly abroad though). My MIL from my first marriage is one of the greatest human beings on the planet. We’re super close. She lives nearby and is a mother to me and a grandmother to all of my children. She spends every Christmas with us.

My second MIL passed away. Not at all close. Don’t see or speak with my second husband or his family. Extremely dark and messy family. Not allowed to see the children.

Me

I have a proper relationship with my parents, my brother, and my maternal grandparents. I occasionally see my mum's brother.

Dad's side of the family all live miles away. I keep up to date with some of my cousins through Facebook/Instagram, but we only ever get together for weddings or funerals - mostly the latter these days as everyone's married who's likely to get married.

I have DH and kids but on my side, my mum died a couple of years ago and my dad long before. So this is the third Christmas of not going to stay with my mum and it’s a big painful hole. No siblings. I am in touch with my aunt, one of my cousins and her family who we see about twice a year, and it feels like a really important link not just to my mum but to my grandparents and childhood memories. Everyone’s passed away on my dad’s side.

Do you think it might be worth reaching out to estranged family? It’s not as if you yourself have done anything to cause ill will.

I grew up with grandparents and my only aunt hundreds of miles away. My mother was an only child so it was normal to me not to have extended family around. Before social media I don't think people thought so much about it.

My children have grown up with grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, which is nice, but not the most important thing in the world.

I only have my brother. Everyone else is dead.

They do send me Christmas cards (through my nan) but never invite me to anything not even weddings. My mum says they're all awful people and judging by some of their behaviours I'm inclined to agree based on only the parts I know. I think if I did reach out it would more likely create gossip on their side as to why. It's sad really.

My mum and brother and a couple of cousins. DH's family are massive and all see each other regularly but I'm part of them as well really

We see my DHs side of the family maybe once/ twice a year but chat on messenger. I see my brother once ever 3 months but no parents now and the brother I was closest to died two years ago. We are close to DHs cousin who lives in USA.

but the reality is that I'd take a small caring family over a bigger one full of arseholes any day

It's a very mumsnet thing to have a family entirely made up of arseholes. There's a level between these two extremes that most people have. Separately I'm also suspicious of anyone on MN who claims that just about everyone else in their life is a prick. I think that sometimes they don't have the self-awareness to reaslise that maybe it's them.

I have very few family members in my life, I had to cut my parents and sibling out of my life.

I have a lovely partner, children and the best group of friends I could ask for. I had lots of therapy due to abusive family members, it took a lot of time to feel ok but now I just look at all the lovely people I have in my life and all the other ways I’m fortunate. My life is good so I try not to dwell on how it should have been, I used to have a lot of anger but not now. The small group of very close people I have and my animals bring me a lot of happiness.

This time of year can be tough though so I feel for you feeling like this. 💐

Hmmm. I remember my mum telling me I was the problem. Because I didn’t accept abuse from her and my father. And then my brother followed in their footsteps to his wife and kids. And I dared had a problem with that. And then I had to cut others out who told me I was making the abuse up.

I wasn’t the problem. It took me a lot of therapy to get that shit out of my head so I find your comments ignorant and offensive.

I think it’s quite common not to have much contact with aunts and uncles and cousins once you’re an adult, particularly if family haven’t stayed in the same area and have become widespread. It often isn’t a falling out, people just get busy and drift apart.

It's just myself and my husband really. No children and both sets of parents have passed away. Im estranged from my only sibling, he's still in contact with his sister and her family but she's at the other end of the country and they exchange cards and birthday text messages and that's it. I'm in contact with my neice but we've only met up once in 5 years.

I'm OK (even happy) with it, my own family, while not actually toxic, was never an easy dynamic. I do understand that it can be difficult for lots of people though.

Ive got 3 siblings and they all have children so we see them at Christmas. I'm also close to my parents. DH has two siblings, both married but neither has kids, we'll also see them & his parents over Christmas

I’m an only child and my parents are dead. I live overseas, but when I go home I always meet up for dinner with my Mum’s youngest brother and his wife, and three or four of my cousins and their partners. I’ve got three cousins that I speak to regularly (separate from the ones I meet for dinner), and we meet up once or twice a year.

I am no contact with my parents. I am also single I have two friends in my life and I don’t work feel isolated and lonely a lot. However at 42 I can’t imagine what a big family would be like as don’t have the close ties at all.

Not me, but my oldest friend only has her Dad now. They live thousands of miles apart, but have a close relationship. Her mum is dead and she’s an only child of two only children, so no aunts, uncles or cousins. Grandparents long dead. She has a great marriage though and is very close to her in-laws and BIL’s family who all live nearby. She sadly didn’t have children due to fertility issues. I know she feels she misses out.

My dad died 20 years ago my mum died last year. My DH parents died rest of his family don't contact him . We have 2 DDs , one no longer wants contact with us . other DD we see once every couple of weeks usually on her terms . It is just me my DH and our beautiful dog . We don't tell people we have DDs anymore as it's to much hassle to explain . We live our life as if it's always been just us 2 . We have resolved ourselves to the fact that eventually it will be just one of us all alone. We have learned to be ok with it . life is to short to worry about it . But at times it makes me very sad 😞

Yeah my whole family think I’m the problem but you know what I’m really not. They are madly dysfunctional and they don’t want to deal with that.

1. My two adult children and my BIL. BIL is my late husband's brother/ uncle of my DS. He is the last remaining member of my DH's family.

I speak on the phone to my DB about twice a year but don't see him as we live abot 100 miles apart. I am disabled and he can't be bothered. My DD still has contact with some of her Father's family but they cut me off when I divorced her father. Her father died a year ago. That was a big blow to me as we had become good friends over recent years. My mother's family are not interested in contact with us. My father's family are all deceased as are my DS's father's family. I remember fondly the years when we had around 15 family and friends round our Christmas dinner table. This year it will be just me and DS. DD is working and BIL lives too far away, is not well and has to use public transport.