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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with him for dropping baby.

92 replies

peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 15:46

I have name changed for this and posting here for traffic.
DH has dropped our newborn daughter twice. Once last month when she was 3 weeks old because he fell asleep winding her and once last night when he fell asleep again winding her. Both times she fell on the floor off him on the bed.
I am furious because I keep telling him to get some sleep and he refuses. He sleeps through her crying most of the time and I just get on with feeding during the night. He stays up till 2/3 am most nights and it was at this time she awoke last night and he insisted on taking her. I have now said he is not to deal with her during the night as I can't trust him not to fall asleep.
I am so upset, he is upset too but my anger lies in the fact that he refuses to listen when I ask him to sleep and not stay up till silly o clock. He's on a weeks AL so could be taking this opportunity to rest but instead stays up watching shit TV and playing Xbox.
I am now scared to go to bed knowing if he picks her up he may fall asleep again and drop her.
AIBU to not allow him to do night feeds/ be alone with the baby at night?

OP posts:
PrtScn · 14/12/2022 17:30

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 14/12/2022 17:12

My husband would no longer have an Xbox after this.

I don't think the Xbox is the problem here - and you'd get rid of the TV to stop him watching that until stupid o'clock as well would you? Or are you just assuming it's an adult playing games that's the problem?

The problem is the DH and his inability to prioritise his child over whatever hobbies he has (he could stay up reading all night instead - confiscate his books would you?).

Muddywaters1 · 14/12/2022 17:35

Weaponised incompetence. Willing to be so utterly fucking useless that he could have literally killed his newborn child (because a fall from height could do that), just so you never ask for help at night, ever.

Mumsanetta · 14/12/2022 17:38

peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 17:22

We've just had an arguement about it because he says him falling asleep like this is no different to me breastfeeding her in the bed sometimes. I've explained that him giving her a bottle and falling asleep dangerously where he could drop/ suffocate her is completely different to practicing safe co sleeping and following the guidelines to a T. He disagrees.
He doesn't see how what he did is wrong and says stuff like 'fine I'll just take her and stay awake all night shall I so you can you can sleep' which is not what I am saying and 'I've been crying because I feel so bad and your making me feel worse'.
I can't have that argument where it's a game of who is more tired or who sleeps etc.
I'm so angry with him right now. He's sat watching his iPad now and ignoring me. I'm going to get my shit done for tomorrow as I'm visiting a friend in the next town over and go to bed early.

@peanutsmuggle the fact that he thinks it’s the same as co-sleeping shows that he hasn’t read any co-sleeping advice. I would text him a link to the Lullabh Trust advice.

He is making this all about him rather than about the safety of your baby. I would find it impossible to trust him with your baby at night. Fuck him and his feelings - look after your baby yourself until you can trust him and do not allow him to do night feeds. If he insists then I would sit up too and supervise. He acts like a child so should be treated one. This won’t be great for your marriage but I frankly wouldn’t care to be with a man-child.

Mumsanetta · 14/12/2022 17:39

Muddywaters1 · 14/12/2022 17:35

Weaponised incompetence. Willing to be so utterly fucking useless that he could have literally killed his newborn child (because a fall from height could do that), just so you never ask for help at night, ever.

Yes. Or arrogance. Both as bad as each other.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 14/12/2022 17:42

Major Sids Risk. She could suffocate/die by being dropped . Don't leave him in charge of her.

dolor · 14/12/2022 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 17:46

Let me guess, he's done no research on safe co sleeping, but still assumes he knows better rhan you because his mighty balls can divine the truth?

Normally I would say not to let him off a job because it's done badly because that ends up down a road where you have to do everything.

In this instance though, I think you are making the right call because the risks are so high.

He needs to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult, partner and parent pretty damn quick though or the relationship will wither and die because you cannot really love someone you cannot respect

dolor · 14/12/2022 17:50

Apparently my last message upset the mods. 😎

Kick the arsehole out until he can learn how to be a responsible dad

And/or sell Xbox. If he has a tantrum, then kick him out.

Newlifestartingatlast · 14/12/2022 17:54

Op, can you arrange for health visitor to come over when he is there. Don’t give him forewarning. Then while they are there tell her what has happened and ask for her advice on whether DH should continue
you’re not really asking advice, you are going to shame him in front of her and sit back while someone else shows their concerns and lectures him. That way it’s not just coming form you.
if HV not an option, then maybe his mum or dad, or maybe yours, or maybe a mate of his with kids….anyone that you know will look shocked and tell him it’s not acceptable.

Stopthebusplease · 14/12/2022 17:55

I agree with 'Dolor', I'd be kicking him out, or going home to my Mum, and when he asks where you're going, tell him that he simply can't be trusted to be with a new born baby, and keep walking out the door! What an absolute wanker! I thought my DH whinging, because I had to get up to the baby on a Saturday morning, rather than having the lay in that we'd been used to, was immature, but this is off the scale in my opinion.

Original poster
peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 17:56

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 17:46

Let me guess, he's done no research on safe co sleeping, but still assumes he knows better rhan you because his mighty balls can divine the truth?

Normally I would say not to let him off a job because it's done badly because that ends up down a road where you have to do everything.

In this instance though, I think you are making the right call because the risks are so high.

He needs to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult, partner and parent pretty damn quick though or the relationship will wither and die because you cannot really love someone you cannot respect

I showed him the guidelines from the lullaby trust and public health England and he came back with some website saying how dangerous BF in the bed is regardless. He is now saying we BOTH have to be more careful and that includes me not BF in the bed or cosleeping as I do sometimes.
I very rarely cosleep, it's only when she is highly upset and needs skin to skin and long/ cluster feeds. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't take meds that make me sleepy

OP posts:
Clymene · 14/12/2022 17:58

Muddywaters1 · 14/12/2022 17:35

Weaponised incompetence. Willing to be so utterly fucking useless that he could have literally killed his newborn child (because a fall from height could do that), just so you never ask for help at night, ever.

Yep.

I would kick him out. He is refusing to even accept responsibility. What an evil fucking arsehole he is

CaptainMum · 14/12/2022 18:04

The mind boggles at his arrogance and stupidity.

Dropping a baby is not normal or common. We hear the stories about it, because it's unusual and shocking. And suffocation is a much higher catastrophic risk than a drop.

Co-sleeping and BF in bed when planned and prepared for is great. You get more sleep and baby gets more comfort and milk.

However the stupidity of your husband is a huge liability and I worry for you having to compromise on parenting decisions.

Natty13 · 14/12/2022 18:04

peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 16:07

If I insist he takes responsibility and he drops her again that's on me for allowing it to happen. I wouldn't be able to rest/ sleep if he has her at night.

Show quote history

You should be absolutely insisting he first normalises his sleep pattern to a bedtime conductive to family life/that of a working father of a young baby. Then and only then can he be safe to care for the baby, but that doesn't mean you just stop him caring for her and continue this total fucking nonsense of xbox until 2am. You absolutely need to put your foot down on this.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 18:06

peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 17:56

I showed him the guidelines from the lullaby trust and public health England and he came back with some website saying how dangerous BF in the bed is regardless. He is now saying we BOTH have to be more careful and that includes me not BF in the bed or cosleeping as I do sometimes.
I very rarely cosleep, it's only when she is highly upset and needs skin to skin and long/ cluster feeds. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't take meds that make me sleepy

Show quote history

So basically it's darvo

He's denying his behaviour is risky
He's attacking you by saying you're behaviour is as risky
And then reversed the roles of victim and offender

He is showing you who he is, if he ever does something wrong rather than take responsibility he will find something you do and attack that instead. It's exhausting.

Tundrawave · 14/12/2022 18:32

YANBU, Did you not attend antenatal classes? If he is so ignorant around safe sleep and BF etc. I’d be concerned he didn’t take any of it in

IncompleteSenten · 14/12/2022 18:36

He doesn't care that she fell on the floor either then?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2022 18:56

The biggest threat to your baby is her own father. I wouldn't even be able to look at him. He's a gaslighting bastard.

Oneeyedreindeer · 14/12/2022 19:13

The fact he’s trying to turn it around on you should be the end.

BatshitBanshee · 14/12/2022 19:32

I'd cut up his xbox and all his other shit and leave it in a box and kick him out. Change the locks. He's actually tried to deflect all of this back onto you and choosing to breastfeed/cosleep the odd time.

HE DROPPED THE BABY. TWICE. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Bonjovispyjamas · 14/12/2022 19:35

Ugh, what a dick. Please do something before this ends in tragedy.

Frankola · 14/12/2022 20:06

This is a man who needs to realise he has a child now and act accordingly. Why is he up playing games until 3am when he is clearly exhausted. Dropping a newborn repeatedly isn't acceptable.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 14/12/2022 20:08

Honestly, I'd make sure the xbox didn't work tomorrow :)

Hatscats · 14/12/2022 20:10

Wow he’s so vile he’s even making something safe (breastfeeding and co-sleeping following guidance) into something bad to defend himself from being so awful. Mums have a sense where their baby is, especially breastfeeding ones!! Dads bottle feeding and falling asleep on the sofa with them is the most dangerous scenario!
show him these stats - you can’t argue with them!
www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

Crunchymum · 14/12/2022 20:13

I assume neither incident warranted an A&E visit?

Lucky really as dropping baby twice in quick succession would flag even the most overstretched SS?