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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with him for dropping baby.

92 replies

peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 15:46

I have name changed for this and posting here for traffic.
DH has dropped our newborn daughter twice. Once last month when she was 3 weeks old because he fell asleep winding her and once last night when he fell asleep again winding her. Both times she fell on the floor off him on the bed.
I am furious because I keep telling him to get some sleep and he refuses. He sleeps through her crying most of the time and I just get on with feeding during the night. He stays up till 2/3 am most nights and it was at this time she awoke last night and he insisted on taking her. I have now said he is not to deal with her during the night as I can't trust him not to fall asleep.
I am so upset, he is upset too but my anger lies in the fact that he refuses to listen when I ask him to sleep and not stay up till silly o clock. He's on a weeks AL so could be taking this opportunity to rest but instead stays up watching shit TV and playing Xbox.
I am now scared to go to bed knowing if he picks her up he may fall asleep again and drop her.
AIBU to not allow him to do night feeds/ be alone with the baby at night?

OP posts:
tiredpuppymum · 14/12/2022 16:12

This is how babies die. It's almost always the dad, falling asleep and leaving the baby vulnerable.

What a bellend.

Bumble84 · 14/12/2022 16:14

I’m not generally one to overreact but I would be incandescent with rage at this. Different ballgame if he was sleeping at every opportunity and just exhausted from dealing with a baby but gaming and watching tele, nah, not acceptable and he needs to step up. His pleasure/hobbies etc are no longer priority and play second fiddle now. If he can’t accept that he’s a deadbeat dad

Cinnabomb · 14/12/2022 16:14

@peanutsmuggle please please realise the worry here isn’t dropping her. She’s likely to survive that. As PP said, the real danger is she slips out of his hold either down the side or onto his lap and suffocates. If this is recurrent there is a real risk he could kill her. Surely he knows this? Have you spoken to him about it?

knittingaddict · 14/12/2022 16:16

How can you bear it? I just couldn't stand sharing my life with such an irresponsible immature man.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/12/2022 16:17

Does he realise how dangerous it is to fall asleep with a baby? Tell your midwife they will go mental at him.

knittingaddict · 14/12/2022 16:17

I hope this isn't real.

palmerita · 14/12/2022 16:17

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2022 15:53

I'd tell him to get the fuck out and I'm not joking. This is absolutely inexcusable and completely his fault for being so immature. I would be LIVID. He is also a very high risk for suffocating your baby.

Absolutely agree with this reply! I wouldn't let him anywhere near the baby after doing this. Did you take your newborn to be checked over?

panko · 14/12/2022 16:18

He could kill your baby

PutOnAHappyFace · 14/12/2022 16:20

Did I read that right? He dropped her from the bed to the floor? I hope you get her checked because even with a low bed, that's still some distance.

FOJN · 14/12/2022 16:22

peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 16:07

If I insist he takes responsibility and he drops her again that's on me for allowing it to happen. I wouldn't be able to rest/ sleep if he has her at night.

Show quote history

I understand and thank god your child has one parent who, regardless of anything else, is prioritising her safety.

Your husband says he is upset but I'm not convinced. If he was that upset then the first occasion he dropped her would have been the only one but instead he continues to deprive himself of sleep and put her safety at risk.

My point was about telling him what a useless, hazardous arse he is to your daughter and that he needs to get his act together and prioritise sleep over TV and gaming.

6poundshower · 14/12/2022 16:31

Is he being this shit because he doesn't really want to be a dad and it's a man's way of forcing you to do it i.e. be so inept you feel you have no choice

Looks like you have a future as a single parent, might as well grey on with it. Either that or stick around until you've had your children but accept that's what you are / will be and prepare accordingly.

Thoughtful2355 · 14/12/2022 16:38

I hope youve gone to the hospital to check theres no internal bleeding. Youd be suprised how many babies die from injuries not being noticed. a bleed on the brain can take a while to show.

Original poster
peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 16:40

GreenManalishi · 14/12/2022 16:09

You are not being unreasonable to expect more. Was he always this shit and you expected him to pull his socks up when he became a father or is this new?

stays up watching shit TV and playing Xbox to the point where he's incapable of being left in charge of his baby, and can't even get himself up for work without you waking him up? That would see me taking a stanley knife to the plug on the tv and the xbox, and telling him to sleep on the sofa.

He's no help, he's an actual hindrance and you can do this on your own with less hassle.

Always been a bit of a tv/ phone/ Xbox junkie but never this bad.

OP posts:
lovemelovemesaythatyouloveme · 14/12/2022 16:42

I'm going to go at this from a different angle.
How is his mood OP? My husband had terrible PND with our first son as it was all such a shock. Also. What is he like in the day with the baby? My husband is utterly rubbish at being awake in the night (still is and our children are 4 and 2) but he is very good in the day so I do all nights and he does the days when it is required!

Original poster
peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 16:44

lovemelovemesaythatyouloveme · 14/12/2022 16:42

I'm going to go at this from a different angle.
How is his mood OP? My husband had terrible PND with our first son as it was all such a shock. Also. What is he like in the day with the baby? My husband is utterly rubbish at being awake in the night (still is and our children are 4 and 2) but he is very good in the day so I do all nights and he does the days when it is required!

He seems fine but maybe I'm missing something.

OP posts:
Hatscats · 14/12/2022 16:47

I’d also be more concerned about him falling asleep feeding or holding her and her getting crushed/suffocated on the sofa or bed. I’d make sure he stays in the bed and I would relive duvet and pillows too. Definitely never let them go alone on the sofa - it’s the most dangerous sleep setup.
A mothers instinct is much better than a fathers too - they’ll go into a deeper sleep.
Id take over the nights, let him do day, I wouldn’t stand for the late nights though, he’s acting like a teenager and not a parent!

Original poster
peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 16:48

6poundshower · 14/12/2022 16:31

Is he being this shit because he doesn't really want to be a dad and it's a man's way of forcing you to do it i.e. be so inept you feel you have no choice

Looks like you have a future as a single parent, might as well grey on with it. Either that or stick around until you've had your children but accept that's what you are / will be and prepare accordingly.

I thinks it's more that he thinks he knows batter/ is invincible / it won't happen to him type attitude. I am just going to not allow him to be up with her on the night AT ALL. And I won't be leaving them alone AT ALL either. I don't actually care if he thinks i don't trust him. The truth is that I don't and will take steps to safeguard her from it ever happening again. I am going to go to be at 10pm and I will get up for each and every feed regardless of what he wants to do and he can go on his shitty games and watch shit telly to his hearts content.

OP posts:
Original poster
peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 16:49

6poundshower · 14/12/2022 16:31

Is he being this shit because he doesn't really want to be a dad and it's a man's way of forcing you to do it i.e. be so inept you feel you have no choice

Looks like you have a future as a single parent, might as well grey on with it. Either that or stick around until you've had your children but accept that's what you are / will be and prepare accordingly.

There will be no more children.

OP posts:
Nordix · 14/12/2022 16:50

@peanutsmuggle Your baby could die. This is serious. You are so lucky baby was only dropped twice, and not suffocated.

You cannot trust this man to look after baby at nights (or even during the day when he is sleepy, to be honest). He’s proven he cannot be safe and return baby to cot before he falls asleep. That’s it. Two chances was too many. It must be only you looking after baby at night now.

booboo82 · 14/12/2022 16:50

This reply has been deleted

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Onedayatatime22 · 14/12/2022 16:52

Is he a drinker?

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/12/2022 16:54

I wouldn’t let him near the baby.
I wouldn’t want to be near him.

Once is an accident. He’s deliberately hurting your daughter by seeing to her when he shouldn’t. One day she could be hurt, maybe worse.
Protect your daughter.

Aria2015 · 14/12/2022 17:07

I had this with my dh. He likes to go to bed super late. He kept falling asleep with the baby and I just couldn't trust him so I could never relax. I could have had the worst day and night and he'd offed to take the baby while I had a nap but I couldn't because I was on edge knowing he'd likely fall asleep with the baby. It caused soooo many arguments and so much resentment. We got past it, but I flat out refused to have another baby unless he PROMISED not or piss about with late nights in the newborn stage. He was much better second time around and stuck to it, but it still makes me angry just thinking about it the first time!

You need to get angry, really angry. He needs to put his child's needs and yours ahead of his own. Life doesn't get to stay the same when you have a baby. The sooner he accepts that the better because it will severely damage your relationship if you're the only one being responsible.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 14/12/2022 17:12

My husband would no longer have an Xbox after this.

Original poster
peanutsmuggle · 14/12/2022 17:22

We've just had an arguement about it because he says him falling asleep like this is no different to me breastfeeding her in the bed sometimes. I've explained that him giving her a bottle and falling asleep dangerously where he could drop/ suffocate her is completely different to practicing safe co sleeping and following the guidelines to a T. He disagrees.
He doesn't see how what he did is wrong and says stuff like 'fine I'll just take her and stay awake all night shall I so you can you can sleep' which is not what I am saying and 'I've been crying because I feel so bad and your making me feel worse'.
I can't have that argument where it's a game of who is more tired or who sleeps etc.
I'm so angry with him right now. He's sat watching his iPad now and ignoring me. I'm going to get my shit done for tomorrow as I'm visiting a friend in the next town over and go to bed early.

OP posts: