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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel fucked over as a single mom

60 replies

Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 13:52

I feel really low so please be kind. I left my abusive ex about 2 years ago and my two children live with me (spend time with the ex on alternative weekends).

my children attend primary school (4 & 6) but there is no after school club beyond 4pm, same at the other local schools. There are no holiday clubs where I live either.

I’ve got a crappy minimum wage morning job at the moment (after school run until lunch time) and despite applying for hundreds of other jobs, I keep being rejected as I can’t work the school holidays. If the children are sick, I look after them as I have no family, if they are off school at all, they are with me.

pre-children I had a really good job, very well paid. It was well paid as I had to travel a lot which I can’t do now due to the child care issues I have.

Just feel so fed up from constant job rejections. It’s been made clear to me so many times in feedback that i interview well and would be an excellent candidate…but I’m repeatedly passed over for people who can work school hols and beyond 4pm.

i feel trapped. I’ve applied for loads of wfh jobs but again, it’s generally shifts/includes weekends and I have the children.

what do others do? I didn’t want a broken home for my children. It was not my fault he was abusive but I’m paying the price (literally) whilst he swans about flashing the cash. He’s been promoted at work numerous times and he doesn’t take any time off in the holidays or if they are unwell.

it all just seems so unfair. Christmas is coming up and I feel so depressed.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 13/12/2022 13:58

What maintenance does he pay?

Are you happy with his contact level being EOW? Was he abusive to them?

Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 13:59

He was not abusive to them.

He pays minimum maintenance - I supply everything they need.

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 13/12/2022 14:04

Unfortunately I think the answer to "what do others do?" is either holidays clubs or family which isn't helpful to you.

What was your plan going to be if you'd stayed together for wraparound/school holidays?

purpleme12 · 13/12/2022 14:05

I'm a single mum.
I work part time and my child goes into wraparound care (it's a private nursery which also does wraparound care) after school when I'm working.
I get tax credits towards it. That's how I afford it

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 13/12/2022 14:05

Are there any child minders around? Not for illness but for later working hours. A lot will collect from school.

Holshicup · 13/12/2022 14:06

Firstly well done for providing a better environment for your children.

Similar situation here and no real answers other than perhaps a childminder who can do school pick ups, you should be entitled to some help with childcare costs.

It does get easier as the children get older, it may seem a lifetime away but once they get to secondary age and are more independent you will have much more flexibility.

Bestcatmum · 13/12/2022 14:07

I would go to university and train for a career, NHS or something like that. At least then you will have something to go to when they have grown up.
I did podiatry as a single mum and worked privately and on the bank while he were at school then full time when he was older. I'm on £50k now.
Its called future proofing.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 13/12/2022 14:07

My sympathies. I paid for childcare basically, but I'm in a well salaried job. Childcare will be covered to a fair extent by UC if you're working but not entirely. Does your ex pay maintenance? If not, please do apply for this as soon as possible. You can't make someone parent but you can (in theory) make them pay.

Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:09

Thank you. It’s just so hard. He works in the automotive industry and keeps bragging about this promotion and that promotion…. Whilst I can’t even get a foot in the door. I used to work in HR (company wouldn’t pay for qualifications sadly so I don’t have any) and I feel like I’m bashing my head off a wall. i will look at child minders…. I suppose my main issue really is the school holidays.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 13/12/2022 14:09

I'm a single parent too. My daughter only has supervised contact with her waste of space father once a fortnight as he was both abusive to me and her. I'm only able to work full time because I receive UC as a top up. My daughter goes to pre school 5 days a week. I work 8.30am to 4.30pm and she goes to pre school 7.30am to 5.15pm. She starts reception next year and the only way I can continue to work full time is to put her with a childminder 3 days a week. I wfh 2 days a week so can manage work hours around then. It does feel really tough though. I sympathise. Do you receive UC, and do you have any local childminders that can do drop offs and pick ups, this will be your best bet I feel.

vivainsomnia · 13/12/2022 14:09

So every child in the whole area has at least one parent not working or working in school hours. That just can't be the case unless it's very small school in a very remote area. You can't be the only one surely?

Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:10

That’s great, well done x

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 14:12

Is a house move a possibility? Your area sounds awful. Have you tried all the local nurseries some must do childcare. Or ask
on local Facebook, lots is word of mouth.
Some local councils do offer term time only for their vacancies.

Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:12

Had we stayed together then I would have got a job like what I have now and looked after the children… it wouldn’t have mattered so much financially as it would be one home so one set of bills etc between two of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:13

I’ve looked and can see similar threads. It’s sad but also comforting that it’s not just me. It’s so true though isn’t it…. Men make the babies and when it goes wrong they carry on and we pick up the pieces…

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 13/12/2022 14:16

purpleme12 · 13/12/2022 14:05

I'm a single mum.
I work part time and my child goes into wraparound care (it's a private nursery which also does wraparound care) after school when I'm working.
I get tax credits towards it. That's how I afford it

I'm the school holidays the same place I mentioned does holiday club for all the schoolies so that's what I do in the school holidays. Tax credits pay towards it

averythinline · 13/12/2022 14:19

check out childminders, other childcare options.
are you doing maintenance via CMS ..if he keeps getting promotions his contribution should go up
are there other schools with before/after school clubs ...

if hes doing weekends he could pick up from school on fri and drop off Monday
look at jobs at school's/local authorities...they are often more open to term time working...senior schools often need hr type experience .
if you're not near any support move to where you would have more options

school holidays can be divided between you eg 6 weeks summer 2 for u , 2 for him, 2 holiday clubs.

I think most jobs are approx 5weeks and schools 13 so 5 each and 3 in holiday clubs.

he's still a parent...

CiderJolly · 13/12/2022 14:23

It’ll all be down to finding the right childcare until your kids are old enough to walk home from school and sort their own tea out.

UC pays towards childcare so you won’t have to fully foot the bill.

The civil service is great for being family friendly so I would suggest you start looking there perhaps.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 14:23

Have you looked at none teaching vacancies. There are school office type jobs. Would help with school hols and maybe enable you to get some qualifications with a view to progressing as they get older.

StarDolphins · 13/12/2022 14:24

I get no help from my ex with childcare & have no family either.

I work 22 hours in between drop off/pick up M-T & have Fri off..I have a deal with my employer that in term time when they’re busy, I work extra days to then get days off in the holidays, I then use holiday club/annual leave for the rest & my ex pays half - It’s not fair at all but your children will know how much you’ve done when they’re older.

Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:24

His view is that it’s my fault that we aren’t together (he doesn’t see his abuse being reason enough!) and so it’s my responsibility to care for the children at all times except when he has his allotted time. Sadly summer hols etc don’t matter to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:26

Thank you everyone for your suggestions- I will look at schools and civil service jobs

OP posts:
Ontheele · 13/12/2022 14:29

Is your ex claiming to be self employed OP? Check to see if his name comes up on company house on Google. CMS do yearly reviews and you get 30 days to ask for a mandatory reconsider- I myself am at this stage after getting regular payments of £260 per month from Jan it will reduce to £30 a month. There's another tribunal stage.... which involves courts but you would need some form of evidence.

I work part time for NHS 08.30 till 2pm. I work EOW doing bank shifts when DS goes to his dad's.

Can you go to mediation and court if the latter fails?

Childcare.co.uk is a fab website type your local area in.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/12/2022 14:31

Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:26

Thank you everyone for your suggestions- I will look at schools and civil service jobs

Try local council too. They offer term time, reduced hours and buy additional leave.

newtb · 13/12/2022 14:33

Is there any chance you could do something like virtual assistant/HR working from home?

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