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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel fucked over as a single mom

60 replies

Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 13:52

I feel really low so please be kind. I left my abusive ex about 2 years ago and my two children live with me (spend time with the ex on alternative weekends).

my children attend primary school (4 & 6) but there is no after school club beyond 4pm, same at the other local schools. There are no holiday clubs where I live either.

I’ve got a crappy minimum wage morning job at the moment (after school run until lunch time) and despite applying for hundreds of other jobs, I keep being rejected as I can’t work the school holidays. If the children are sick, I look after them as I have no family, if they are off school at all, they are with me.

pre-children I had a really good job, very well paid. It was well paid as I had to travel a lot which I can’t do now due to the child care issues I have.

Just feel so fed up from constant job rejections. It’s been made clear to me so many times in feedback that i interview well and would be an excellent candidate…but I’m repeatedly passed over for people who can work school hols and beyond 4pm.

i feel trapped. I’ve applied for loads of wfh jobs but again, it’s generally shifts/includes weekends and I have the children.

what do others do? I didn’t want a broken home for my children. It was not my fault he was abusive but I’m paying the price (literally) whilst he swans about flashing the cash. He’s been promoted at work numerous times and he doesn’t take any time off in the holidays or if they are unwell.

it all just seems so unfair. Christmas is coming up and I feel so depressed.

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 13/12/2022 14:41

What do other parents at that school do with their kids in the holidays? Some of them must work all year round and not have 100% family help? Could there be a holiday club slightly further afield? It’s difficult OP I no, but on a low wage universal credit will pay up to 85% of the childcare if you do manage to find some childcare. Just make sure they are ofsted registered.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 13/12/2022 14:43

Without knowing your skills could you work for yourself as a freelancer?

CoteDivoire · 13/12/2022 14:46

You could try non-teaching jobs in schools? Private schools tend to pay a little better for admissions assistants, HR assistants that type of thing. And often term time only or term time plus a week or 2 where you might be able to find some childcare.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 13/12/2022 14:49

Have you tried to find a child minder OP?
I'm not sure how CMS works but wouldn't the contribution from your ex increase of he gets a promotion? Have you contacted him about it?
Yes second looking in civil service / local government, I remember having colleagues who were on term time only contracts which would help you.

altmember · 13/12/2022 15:02

Look at the positive side - you get to spend quality time with your kids while they're growing up instead of sticking them in childcare so that you can earn a bit more money (half of which you then spend on paying someone else to look after your kids). Cherish that while you can - I suspect a lot of parents look back and wish they'd worked less and had more time with the kids. Forget modern societal pressure making you think you need to have a high flying, successful career whilst raising a family. You'll have loads of time to work once the kids get a bit older.

Presume you're already claiming UC, otherwise make sure you're claiming what you're entitled to. With kids that age you won't be expected to work many hours, and UC should top up your income to a level where you're not 'fucked over' financially.

Accept that you're unlikely to find a job that lets you have all the school holidays off (maybe consider a TA position for that?). Most employers couldn't cope with that, and the extra sick leave involved, for a skilled position, which is why you're only really left with unskilled, low paid roles.

You could ask your ex to have the kids for half of the school holidays. He probably won't like that idea (as it's likely incompatible with his own employment contract). So then you suggest that his puts them into childcare for his half of the holidays, and then you can suggest that you'll keep them throughout, as long as he pays for half of the child care costs. You could even continue from there are reach an agreement where he pays you extra maintenance in lieu of paying for that childcare.

I'm self employed, and I've never worked it out exactly, but I know I earn well under minimum wage for the time that I put into it. But it gives me the flexibility to fit my work around school hours to a great extent. I mostly work from home, but occasionally I end up taking my kids along to a job. Luckily a lot of my clients are child friendly and my kids usually well behaved. We live frugally, but comfortably, kids don't want for anything.

Jazz12 · 13/12/2022 15:04

Have you considered retraining in tech?

katmarie · 13/12/2022 15:05

Regarding holiday childcare, my ds goes to a holiday club run by the nursery he went to as a child, they run a holiday club for children up to 11 years old I believe. So don't just focus on the school as a source of holiday care, there may be private options in your area, and you can get UC help towards them too.

Spandang · 13/12/2022 15:07

I work for a charity. A big one. They have massively flexible working schemes and a holiday buyback programme so I can add five more days to my annual leave. There’s also time off for dependents policies so it I needed unpaid leave in August I could take it.

I’ve always accepted a lower salary for better terms, is it something you’d consider? As people have said the council is usually worth a look too and many charities are based on old council terms.

FHmama · 13/12/2022 15:09

Do you claim UC top-up? You should be eligible. I know it doesn't help with wanting a different job but it can help reliviate some of the financial stress for now

Grunch · 13/12/2022 15:13

It is really frustrating, I'm in a similar boat and it feels like I'm stuck. I guess they call it the poverty trap for a reason. I just try to do my best to get through the now, and to put the steps in place now to be in better paid work when my kids are older and more independent.

Divebar2021 · 13/12/2022 15:15

It surprises me that there are no holiday clubs - most schools in our area run holiday schemes which are quite often run by private companies. The private school near me runs their own scheme which is actually cheaper than the one I was using at our school. ( but not widely publicised) The local leisure centre runs holiday play schemes that are very reasonably priced. Have a double check to make sure you haven’t missed anything.

tabbysarerude · 13/12/2022 15:29

I would focus on freelancing. I freelance so choose my hours and spend my spare time searching for more freelance gigs. I do marketing, sales, website design and content writing all freelance and make about 1,000 a month working part-time. I use benefits to top me up until I can earn enough to not need them. My husband left too and I had to focus strongly on this, fortunately I never listened to him to give up work completely.

Whatever you do now, can you do it freelance? Can you use benefits top ups while you get something in place and then your income can be exponential?

Helpwithdaughterpls · 13/12/2022 17:30

Can you use holiday clubs in school holidays?

Helpwithdaughterpls · 13/12/2022 17:32

I single parented for six years and also used a mothers help, so someone I paid to do a couple of mornings and afternoons cover, on top of school clubs. But that only works if you can get back into a professional role, as it's more expensive. Something to consider though?

Sorry OP, it's so hard.

Thesenderofthiscard · 13/12/2022 17:35

You need a WFH job, that way you have more flex. My whole team WFH and we have ‘core hours ‘ between 10am - 4pm where we’re expected to be around or available but even then someone will nip out to do the school run, or have a sick child at home or whatever.
I wake early and often do Ann hour or so before kids are up. I can also catch up in eves or weekends if I need to.

Thesenderofthiscard · 13/12/2022 17:36

I’m paid £50k plus up to £20k more in performance related pay. I know lots of working parents doing similar WFH jobs and juggling.
itbis possible.

Nevermind31 · 13/12/2022 17:47

Childminders May also do holiday care. Otherwise… could you move? To an area with childcare? Yes, it’s an upheaval but in the longer term you will be able to do something.
or… become a childminder? Set up an afterschool club?

Ontheele · 13/12/2022 17:51

Divebar2021 · 13/12/2022 15:15

It surprises me that there are no holiday clubs - most schools in our area run holiday schemes which are quite often run by private companies. The private school near me runs their own scheme which is actually cheaper than the one I was using at our school. ( but not widely publicised) The local leisure centre runs holiday play schemes that are very reasonably priced. Have a double check to make sure you haven’t missed anything.

Its interesting how it varies. My DS school pay an external company for snack and chat after school it finishes at 16.15. Nothing at all is ran in the school hols I have to travel far away for childcare.

Cheesuswithallama · 13/12/2022 17:57

Bonnytylershair · 13/12/2022 14:09

Thank you. It’s just so hard. He works in the automotive industry and keeps bragging about this promotion and that promotion…. Whilst I can’t even get a foot in the door. I used to work in HR (company wouldn’t pay for qualifications sadly so I don’t have any) and I feel like I’m bashing my head off a wall. i will look at child minders…. I suppose my main issue really is the school holidays.

I am sure you could get Advanced learner loan and possibly a bursary. It would be easier as well as you can use your experience towards it. If you wnat to continue in hr later

ExtraJalapenos · 13/12/2022 17:59

Single mum here. I have a childminder and have done since DD was 1.
She does the school run too.
My DDs school always share info on holiday clubs too so that's an option but I use a CM so it's never one I personally need. I'm surprised your DCs schools don't even offer info on stuff like this.
I honestly think you should consider looking into a CM, a good one will be worth their weight in gold. If it means you have to move, that might be the only option, at least you can look at more work options as well as the ability to work past 3pm and have more flexibility. Lots of places I know went from 60% WFH to about 30% WFH now so unless your role is completely accomplishable remotely, it might mean that your options are very limited. Unless you'd rather change career instead of course.

ILoveeCakes · 13/12/2022 18:08

"he swans about flashing the cash. He’s been promoted at work numerous times"

Sounds as though other people like him

Thesenderofthiscard · 13/12/2022 18:09

I work for a global
conpany more than 10k employees and ALL our HR is outsourced. I have yet to meet a HR person in the last 5 years - it’s all phone, video for most things.
Get some qualifications and get back into it. You can WFH, work for someone else or start your own HR freelance biz for small businesses.
have you considered being a paralegal? Or a para planner? I have friends in both those professions who almost always WFH and when they see clients it’s in the middle of the day. They also have young kids to work around

Thesenderofthiscard · 13/12/2022 18:10

As for holiday childcare - where on earth do you live where there are no holiday clubs, schemes, anything at all?? I would move if this was the case as your kids will miss out

Wibbly1008 · 13/12/2022 18:11

It will not be forever! Please tell yourself this when you feel low. Kids grow up and life gets easier and changes with the times. Your kids will love you and know you were always there, even when “Mr spend” wasn’t. They will look at their dad very differently to you, as you have been their rock on the journey. You will go back to work and have more money and a lovely life, but just not yet. You are a few years away, but it’s coming!

Atmywitsend29 · 13/12/2022 18:16

When I was a single mum, I had fled abuse, I had literally no one. No friends, no family, no one.
DS (reception age) went to a childminder from 7am, she would take him to school. childminder would collect him from school, give him dinner at the setting. I then had to pay a babysitter to collect him from the minder at 6pm and take him home, get him settled and into bed.
I survived financially purely because tax credits helped me so much. I got more in tax credits than I earned (full time but min wage!) Because my childcare bill was SO high.
It is SO hard.